Top 10 reasons soccer hasn’t taken off in the U.S.
Due to the positive reception of my “Letterman- style” Top 10 segment on the first (of hopefully many) Taking Back Sports Podcast, I decided now was a good time for the CTU Sports Division to take a week off from the typical bad-ass repertoire of fighting injustice, stupidity, and general wrongdoing in the sports world give you my revised top 10 reasons soccer hasn’t taken off in the United States.
10. Soccer has yellow cards, America has yellow penalties flags. You can’t throw cards! Heck, if you get a card in soccer, you don’t even get to keep the card!
A little cheesy, I must admit, but very true. A must of Top 10 lists: leading off with something so obviously true that it’s funny.
9. Soccer doesn’t have instant replay to help out its referees and get calls right. Even the NHL, the worst run sports league in the world, has instant replay.
This past World Cup was no less than a travesty in terms of officiating, giving America even less reason to take a long-term interest in “the world’s game.” This World Cup might be the first time in the history of soccer Americans actually had an interest from start to finish, and FIFA blew a golden opportunity from a procedural standpoint to wow the American audience. When a league does something worse than the NHL, that league is really blowing it.
8. Only 32 teams make soccer’s grand tournament, but 68 make America’s grand tournament. March Madness, baby!
While there is an allure to the World Cup because it occurs only once every four years, nothing beats the excitement of the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament. Before the expansion from 64 teams to 65, and now 68 — the perfect number, and mix, of teams made the field. And the win or go home only adds to the drama and excitement. I love March Madness even more than the Superbowl.
7. Steroids can’t make you more successful at soccer.
It’s true, otherwise steroids would have certainly invaded soccer by now. Does soccer actually have a substance abuse policy? If not, U.S. Congress needs to get on top of that.
6. Nate Robinson, all 5-foot-8 of him, can dunk during games! Can David Beckham, Kaka, or Wayne Rooney dunk during a game? I know what I’d rather watch!
Dunking is awesome, just another advantage of a major American sport over soccer. There are no special tricks you can do in-game in soccer. Bending it like Beckham? I don’t think so.
5. Soccer broadcasts don’t have hot in game sideline reporters.
Sports fans in this country typically don’t tune in just to see hot sideline reports who know almost nothing about sports, but it is another added bonus of tuning into a baseball, football, basketball, and even hockey over soccer. Yes, I have seen hot in-game hockey reporters, tune into Versus sometime. (Editor’s Note: Dr. Sports Fan agrees!)
4. Soccer offers colorful figures as head coaches like (now former) Argentina’s Diego Maradona, but American sports have Stan Van Gundy, sweet Lou Pinella (until last week. Thanks for the memories Lou!), Ozzie Guillen, Phillip Wellman (the guy from the minor league game who tossed the rosin bag at the home plate umpire),…Need I go on??
Soccer simply can’t compete with this one. Period.
3. A soccer match is two 45 minutes halves without breaks. Americans just aren’t in good enough shape to last that long, and the only opportunity for advertisers to air commercials on TV is at halftime as opposed to throughout.
So true! Americans are in terrible shape compared to the rest of the world, and the almighty television dollar dictates American sports now. Only having logos under T.V. scoreboards for 45 minutes until there can be full- length commercials won’t cut it for American advertisers.
2. American sports fans and owners still have some dignity left and haven’t yet resorted to advertising on uniforms. The closest we’ve come is the Spiderman logo at first base, and that only lasted one game.
Just another example of the stupidity and poor leadership of Major League Baseball under Bud Selig. Even Gary Betteman’s cash-strapped NHL hasn’t tried to pull a stunt like that! If I ever see an advertisement on a professional or college American sports uniform, I will puke.
Then I will down a fifth of Jack and puke some more.
1. Soccer is called “the beautiful game” because the way those guys flop, draw fouls, and fake injuries truly is artistic and beautiful, but a downright disgrace in America. Even Paul Pierce is in awe at how easy it is to fake injuries and get away with it.
Paul Pierce is a female dog and plays like one. Everyone outside Boston knows it. Attempting to gain an advantage like soccer players do is despicable. The record American television audience from this year’s World Cup got plenty of artistic and beautiful flopping and fake injuries to view and remember for the next four years. I am still disgusted by that player from Ghana in the match against USA who wasted a solid five minutes in the second overtime period on the field crying and rolling on the grass like a two-year-old before walking off the field on his own power and running sprints on the sidelines. (Editor’s Note: What a douche.)
I was entertained by this year’s World Cup and enjoyed watching a lot, even after USA was eliminated. But it was also an opportunity for me to reflect why I do not like soccer as a sport and think about both seriously, and comically, why it has not taken root here. In four years, I will have an interest in soccer again. Until then, back to the mean streets and offices of Sportsnation.
This is Jack Bauer, over and out!
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