The Phoenix Hopes for the Coming of the NBA’s Kal-El

The only thing that a sports fan loves more than their team being successful is hating a team that just seems to be too good or too dominant.

• Everyone hates the Yankees — unless you live in the Bronx.
• Everyone hates the Duke Blue Devils — unless you’re from North Carolina.
• Everyone hated the New England Patriots.  (Although I don’t think the hate is that bad, anymore.)

The latest incarnation of absolute fan hatred whether you’re from Cleveland or anywhere else outside Miami has pretty much been assigned to the Miami Heat with their karmically offensive alliance of Lebron James, Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh.  ‘Miami Thrice’ — a nickname that makes me want to throw things — has already been killed by many fans and most media buffs because as Michael Jordan said:

“I wouldn’t have called Bird and Magic and said ‘Let’s play together.’”

Hindsight is 20/20, and who knows what could have happened?  Since the Detroit Pistons were laying waste to the Chicago Bulls in the NBA Playoffs in the late 80s, is it too farfetched to believe that even Jordan didn’t have a price to join Isaiah and Bill Laimbeer?  Perhaps, because as Jordan also said: “We were trying to beat each other.”

Lebron took the “if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em” approach, and he’s been crucified for the last month or so as a result.  When the new incarnation of sports evil made their Miami debut in a smoke filled entrance that rivals some of the best WWF introductions, it looked familiar.  Three powerful individuals working together to destroy the planet (or in this case, the NBA).

There was the confident leader, the right hand, and the big guy that looked like a tall Bond villain.  There was also the slick gentleman, who is more or less pulling the strings, naive enough to believe it would work.

Anytime you can refer to Lebron James as a girl, you have to take it. I mean, Wade is obviously General Zod and Bosh is clearly Non ... leaving Lebron to be Ursa. Common sense, right? (SOURCE: Chicago Breaking Sports)

In 1980, Richard Donner gave us Superman II, and when you saw the supergroup of General Zod, Ursa and Non emerge from the Phantom Zone, you knew it was trouble for planet Earth.  After completely destroying a town just outside of Houston, Idaho, the trio went on to go to the White House and make a mockery of the United States leadership.  Kinda how Wade, Lebron and Bosh conspired to help make a mockery of David Stern’s NBA landscape.  (By the way, watch that movie again and tell me the President doesn’t remind you of David Stern in how he just lets the takeover happen.)

When all hope was lost and society was doomed to slavery under Zod, a hero was summoned to battle.  (Cue music and just continue to listen to it as you read this column.)  Today, a hero in the Eastern Conference must be summoned to battle this new axis of evil and monopolization of basketball talent.

We need you now more than ever, Superman. Learn the skills you need to rid the NBA of Miami Heat championships. (SOURCE: Chicago Sun Times)

Look up in the sky.  It’s a bird.  It’s a plane.  It’s “Superman” — aka Orlando Magic center Dwight Howard.  Now, more than ever, Howard HAS to live up to that nickname.  He has the tools necessary to stop the super trio, and one can only hope that Howard has been in his personal fortress of solitude — or gym — making those powers stronger.

For example: the superhuman strength and power Superman possesses.  Howard already surpasses anything the Miami Heat could throw at him.

Zydrunas Ilgauskas?  Didn’t Cleveland try that once already and fail leading to the acquisition of the older, more Bizarro World-like Superman?

Chris Bosh?  Seriously?  Bosh doesn’t even want to play center.  Could you logically throw him down low and have him bang with Howard for 20-25 minutes a game?

Since he’s already more powerful than a not so speeding Lithuanian, it would be nice if Howard developed any kind of a low post game. The kid’s been in the league for six years.  You would think he learned something other than catching the ball two feet under the basket and dunking.  How frightening would he be if he had an eight to ten foot post game?  A turnaround jumper.  A backdown spin.  Hell, a hook shot!  Kareem Abdul-Jabbar has the NBA career record in points, and his overall game revolved around a hook shot.

Dwight, we know you’re a two time NBA Defensive Player of the Year.  We know you’ve averaged double-digit rebounds in all six of your pro seasons, but dude, develop your offensive game a little.  No one will be offended if you put a little offense on the floor.

We Miami Heat haters would also be thankful if you increased the ability of your x-ray vision a little bit.  With the amount of double teams you could theoretically command with your new found post game, it’ll be important to know how to kick out to Jameer Nelson, Rashard Lewis, Vince Carter and the rest of the members of the Daily Planet … er Orlando Magic.

When you have several supporting cast members who shoot close to 40 percent from three point range (Nelson 38 percent; Lewis 39 percent; Redick 40 percent), you have to be able to get them the ball using some kind of court vision.  We’re not asking you to be Vlade Divac — arguably the best passing center ever — but it couldn’t hurt if you had at least some Arvydis Sabonis-like vision when it comes to hitting shooters with a good pass.

People dying to see the Heat fail aren’t trying to put any kind of pressure on you or anything.  Just know that in the Eastern Conference, you’re our only hope in saving the NBA and its fans from an unspeakable dynasty.  Please go into your phone booth as the Dwight Howard of old, come out as the Superman of the future and save us all.

The NBA — no — the WORLD will thank you.

Tags: Dwight Howard, Eastern Conference, Miami Heat, NBA, Orlando Magic, Superman II