First up on our docket is a matchup between the fun-loving Dutch and the first-ever World Cup Champion, Uruguay. How did the Netherlands and Uruguay get to the World Cup semifinals?

The Netherlands came from behind to defeat the world’s top-ranked team, Brazil, 2-1, in the quarterfinals. Wesley Sneijder scored both goals for the Dutch. Sneijder (pronounced the same way as Phillies catcher Brian Schneider) is one of the tournament’s smallest players (5-foot-7) and also one of its best. After he was released by Real Madrid (the New York Yankees of European club soccer) after sub-par play, he was picked up by Inter Milan (another European power in the club ranks) and helped lead the team to the Serie A, Coppa Italia, and UEFA Champions League titles this year. In other words, he’s probably held in the same esteem in Madrid as Carl Pavano is in New York. In this World Cup, Sneijder has four goals and one assist, and he has scored six goals in his last seven games.

To cap it all off, he is marrying this woman. If Mugatu from Zoolander were an announcer, he’d say, “That Sneijder is so hot right now.”

Uruguay, meanwhile, is also hot right now, although it needed penalty kicks (and some good luck) to hold of Ghana, the last African nation in the World Cup, in an instant classic that could have ended with a penalty kick. With Ghana’s Black Stars peppering the Uruguay keeper in the second extra time, Ghana squandered three straight golden scoring opportunities. Off a free kick, Ghana got two shots past the Uruguay keeper but defender Suarez made two saves. One of the saves was actually a handball, so the referee ordered a penalty shot at the end of extra time. Asamoah Gyan’s ensuing penalty shot went off the crossbar.

With Uruguay up 3-2 in penalty kicks, the Uruguay keeper made two saves and Uruguay advanced to the semifinals, 4-2. This loss by the African nation just took the life out of the stadium unlike any way that Mike Tirico has ever heard. I guess he wasn’t at the Vet after the 2002 NFC Championship Game. Moving on…

So that’s how they got there. Now if you’re like me, and know very little about international soccer, here’s some information on the both national teams.

Uruguay

• Won the first-ever World Cup in 1930.
• One of five nations to win more than one World Cup.
• First trip to the semifinals since 1970.
• Won Group A.
• Luis Suarez, the man with the world’s most famous handball, is suspended for this match for the ensuing red card.

Holland

• Netherlands is trying to reach the World Cup final for the third time (runner-up in 1974, 1978).
• Dutch fans are some of the coolest of all the national soccer fans. These fans wear costumes, blow their vuvuzelas, and probably toke up before entering the stadium. What’s not to love?
• Holland is the only undefeated team in the 2010 World Cup and are unbeaten in last 24 games (last loss came in September 2008).
• The Freaky-Deaky Dutch are the only team in World Cup History to have won four straight games by a one-goal margin.
• Dutch studio analyst got a little emotional talking about how the Netherlands holds the title for Best National Soccer Team to Have Never Won a World Cup. He says it’s a badge of honor for his fellow countrymen. Just like how Donovan McNabb feels honored to be the best active quarterback to have never won a Super Bowl. Right…

Now that we’re all on a first-name basis with one another, let’s get this game started!

First Half

You dude, we should definitely wear orange jerseys! Who cares that our national colors are red, white, and blue -- orange is cool, man.

0:00 - Let me get this straight, the Netherlands flag is red, white, and blue and their soccer team wears orange? Between them and the Italians, who wear blue when their flag is red, white, and green, soccer is kind of confusing. I’m just going to assume that someone was very stoned when this decision was made. Just saying.

Okay it’s predictions time. My neighbor, Dewayne, is over watching the game and his lack of soccer knowledge somehow exceeds mine. His pick: “Uruguay is gonna take it, 3-1. I’m just going with a total guess.”

My Pick: I’m thinking Netherlands, 2-1. Go big orange!

3:07 - Dirk Kuyt of Netherlands has the game’s first shot, but it sailed over the net. The perk of low-scoring games, every scoring chance is so important.

5:55 – Alvaro Pereira gets Uruguay its first shot with a long attempt from near midfield that also sailed over the net.

7:30 – Uruguay’s Edinson Cavani just was whistled for a handball. This is now the second most famous handball in recent Uruguay soccer history.

8:10 – Khalid Boulahrouz of the Netherlands is whistled for a handball. Do you think Luis Suarez is jealous of all these handballers?

Both teams are feeling each other out right now, so Dewayne and I just talked about hair standards for marines. Dewayne’s a marine, and apparently, the side of his head must be skinned and the top of his hair can only be three inches long. I just explained him the weird soccer offsides rules. We’re not sure which rule is dumber, the hair or the offsides.

9:20 – Dutch forward Arjen Robben headed one off a cross and the save bounced really high into the air before the Uruguay keeper snares it up. Let’s take this opportunity to talk about number 11 for the Netherlands. Robben has 14 goals in 50 games with the national team. Aside from being one of the finest, left-footed footballers in the world, Robben has made a name for himself for flopping a little too much in this World Cup. When even the Holland studio analyst is ripping you pregame, you deserve to be called the Flopper for the rest of this column.

12:10 – Sneijder just took a shot from just outside the 18 and very nearly nailed his own player, Robin Van Persie in his, um, family jewels. Dewayne summed it up best: “That guy almost got nailed.” The whole scene reminded me of another athlete whose teammate can now sing soprano because of him.

17:31 – GOOOOOOAAAAALLL! Dutch captain, Giovanni Van Bronckhorst, with a howitzer from way outside the 18 with the left foot, top right corner off the pole. Wow! That’s Bronckhorst’s six goal in international competition for the national team. Holland has drawn first blood, 1-0 Netherlands.

20:45 – My cable froze for a second, and our feed returns just after Robben’s first flop of the game. Bummer! He looks to be in terrible pain, and it leads to a yellow card for Uruguay’s Maxi Pereira. Now the Flopper will take the free kick. Just saw the replay, and while it looked like a legitimate foul, Robben was definitely acting. Gotta love those Europeans!

23:00 – Possession: Netherlands 63 percent; Uruguay 37 percent.

24:00 – Uruguay’s Mauricio Victorino missed most of the club season with ruptured ankle ligaments. He had horse placenta rubbed on it for treatment. Announcer, “I don’t think it shortened the recovery period.” Makes sense, although if I were going to have horse placenta rubbed on an injury, I’d like it to work.

25:20 – Mark Van Bommel of the Netherlands just faked Uruguay’s Diego Perez out of his jock. I feel like you should know that.

The phrase "foot in mouth disease" took on a whole new poignant meaning, here. (SOURCE: Reuters)

26:54 – An attempted bicycle kick just resulted in a kick to the face of Holland’s Demy De Zeeuw. Dewayne just shouted Ha-Do-Ken as the Dutch backed up their boy by getting in the face of some Uruguay players. If any punches are thrown, let’s just hope the three knock-down rule is in effect with these floppers.

30:19 – Uruguay’s Martin Caceres with some strong defense on the Flopper in the box.

31:25 – A flop from Cavani in the box draws some serious boos from the mostly orange crowd. The Dutch booing a flopper? Just a minute later Scneijder went down in the heap off a weak shove. Like rubbing’s racing in Nascar, flopping’s soccer in the World Cup.

35:09 – Alvaro Pereira’s long shot was easily saved by the Dutch keeper.

37:49 – Announcers are crediting the chemistry and unselfishness of the Netherlands team. I hope they also take each game one-at-a-time and don’t get too high or too low after a loss.

40:03 – GOOOAALLLL!! Uruguay captain Diego Forlan puts Uruguay level with his fourth goal of this World Cup off a good shot from just outside the 18 that the Dutch keeper couldn’t quite tip over the net. The announcers think it was a weak goal, guess since it caught him on the short-side.

44:04 – The Flopper takes another dive. This time I think he tripped over the circle line near midfield. No matter, his arms are up in disgust at the lack of a call. I’m reminded of another group of athletes that took pride in taking a fall.

45:00 +2 – We just heard the whistle for halftime. Both captains have scored and we’re left with a tight 1-1 tie as we break.

Second Half

45:15 – Scneijder goes down in pain from a phantom tackle. Everyone in the room began making random fake moaning sounds. This was the moaning sound I was making.

47:58 – I just noticed that Uruguay goalkeeper, Fernando Muslera, is wearing a sharp all-white jersey-shorts-socks combo. I wonder how they figure out the goalkeeper’s uniforms? A question for another day. Back to the action!

50:05 – The Netherlands keeper attempts a wild slide tackle outside the 18, leaving the net wide open. Thankfully a Netherlands defender made it back in time to stop a long shot attempt.

56:55 – Cavani popped his collar. If Uruguay loses, maybe he can do a guest spot on the Jersey Shore. Thanks, I’ll be here all night.

57:51 – The Flopper just embarrassed Uruguay’s Caceres with a fake and forced a corner kick. I guess that’s why you put up with the flopping.

60:55 – Just saw a replay of another flop by the master himself, when he fell impossibly backwards after being “tripped” from the front. You could say he’s as creative with the ball as he is with the fall. Again, I’ll be here all night. Don’t forget to tip your waitress.

63:27 - As I’m calling for a dive from the Flopper, he surprised me by staying upright. Guess I’ll move on to making fun of Cavani’s popped collar. At least he doesn’t have to change before going to the club after the game.

65:45 – Free kick coming up from Forlan about 10 meters (what up metric system?) from the box. Big spot here for the Uruguay captain.

66:20 – Good save from the Netherlands keeper on the near post after Forlan bent it around the wall.

67:37 – Rafeal Van der Vaart (great name) of the Netherlands just created some offense, but his shot was saved by Muslera. The Flopper’s rebound attempt was wild high. He’s a left-footer but had to take that shot with his right. He’ll want that one back, as that was a golden opportunity to take the lead.

69:19 – GOOOOOOOAAALLL!!! After calling for the ball and cutting off the ball from his own teammate, Wesley Sneijder puts one in through a screen. 2-1, Holland! Dewayne’s thoughts: “Little short guy’s just tearing sh*t up.” Score one for the little guys!

72:00 – Just watched as two balls ended up in the stands. Dewayne and I can’t figure out if soccer fans can keep the ball. You can keep the ball/puck in baseball, hockey, and American football, but you must give the ball back in basketball. Any ideas, feel free to comment below please!

72:41 – GOOOOOAAAALLLLL!! Mr. Flopper just headed in a shot to send the Freaky Deaky Dutch wild. 3-1 Holland! Free bong hits for everyone in Amsterdam! Everyone speaks Freaky Deaky Dutch tonight!

Sorry, I don't speak freaky deaky Dutch!

75:05 – The announcers think that the go-ahead goal was offsides. What do you think? Can a shot be ruled offsides? Was Sneijder’s strike an offsides? This is more confusing than an argument about the space-time continuum. Either way, the Flopper’s goal pretty much put this one away for the Dutch.

80:28 – In the close-up replay of his goal celebration, Flopper is covered in grass and turf. He’s been busy this game.

81:25 – Sneijder and the Flopper just had another chance to score after some more sneaky good play from the little man. If the Dutch win the World Cup, little number 10 might have to be considered for World Cup Golden Ball Trophy for the tournament’s most valuable player.

83:32 – Good-bye to the Uruguay captain, Diego Forlan, who scored the team’s only goal and had three shots on goal. Sebastian Fernandez replaced him. He’s a short, fast guy. Guess Uruguay learned after watching Sneijder give them the old Speedy Gonzalez in the second half.

85:00 – Near own-goal from the Dutch. Fernandez was right on the doorstep to hammer that home.

85:57 – The Flopper nearly adds the exclamation point on the counterattack, but his little flip attempt with his left foot off the right side (ala Mark Messier in hockey, if you will) was snuffed out by the Uruguay keeper.

88:28 – The Flopper gets a curtain call as he’s substituted out for Eljero Elia. Both he and Sneijder had strong games, and Robben (yes, I will refer to him by his actual name) was probably the number two star for the game. No question that Sneijder is the Man of the Match. That’s soccer for player of the game.

91:17 – Uruguay’s Maxi Pereira just scored a quick goal off a free kick. Call back the Fat Lady. We… have… overselves… a game.

92:22 – Netherlands with a long clear, but Uruguay quickly gets the ball back in dangerously deep.

92:53 – Uruguay, in with its last gasp, fired a long shot off the face of a Dutch player. Now that’s sacrificing for the team!

93:37 – Yellow card to Mark Van Bommel, but it’s still Netherlands ball. I’m confused.

94:37 – Long free kick by goalie. Two or three chances by Uruguay, but time finally runs out.

“Dutch delight, dutch delirium in Cape Town. Holland on to the World Cup Final.” Even my girlfriend came out of the kitchen to remark on the greatness of this European announcer. At that moment, ESPN cut to a shot of Amsterdam of a huge crowd of people gathering to watch the game with a mysterious gray haze over it.

Enjoy the party, Dutch fans!