First up on our docket is a matchup between the fun-loving Dutch and the first-ever World Cup Champion, Uruguay. How did the Netherlands and Uruguay get to the World Cup semifinals?

The Netherlands came from behind to defeat the world’s top-ranked team, Brazil, 2-1, in the quarterfinals. Wesley Sneijder scored both goals for the Dutch. Sneijder (pronounced the same way as Phillies catcher Brian Schneider) is one of the tournament’s smallest players (5-foot-7) and also one of its best. After he was released by Real Madrid (the New York Yankees of European club soccer) after sub-par play, he was picked up by Inter Milan (another European power in the club ranks) and helped lead the team to the Serie A, Coppa Italia, and UEFA Champions League titles this year. In other words, he’s probably held in the same esteem in Madrid as Carl Pavano is in New York. In this World Cup, Sneijder has four goals and one assist, and he has scored six goals in his last seven games.

To cap it all off, he is marrying this woman. If Mugatu from Zoolander were an announcer, he’d say, “That Sneijder is so hot right now.”

Uruguay, meanwhile, is also hot right now, although it needed penalty kicks (and some good luck) to hold of Ghana, the last African nation in the World Cup, in an instant classic that could have ended with a penalty kick. With Ghana’s Black Stars peppering the Uruguay keeper in the second extra time, Ghana squandered three straight golden scoring opportunities. Off a free kick, Ghana got two shots past the Uruguay keeper but defender Suarez made two saves. One of the saves was actually a handball, so the referee ordered a penalty shot at the end of extra time. Asamoah Gyan’s ensuing penalty shot went off the crossbar.

With Uruguay up 3-2 in penalty kicks, the Uruguay keeper made two saves and Uruguay advanced to the semifinals, 4-2. This loss by the African nation just took the life out of the stadium unlike any way that Mike Tirico has ever heard. I guess he wasn’t at the Vet after the 2002 NFC Championship Game. Moving on…

So that’s how they got there. Now if you’re like me, and know very little about international soccer, here’s some information on the both national teams.

Uruguay

• Won the first-ever World Cup in 1930.
• One of five nations to win more than one World Cup.
• First trip to the semifinals since 1970.
• Won Group A.
• Luis Suarez, the man with the world’s most famous handball, is suspended for this match for the ensuing red card.

Holland

• Netherlands is trying to reach the World Cup final for the third time (runner-up in 1974, 1978).
• Dutch fans are some of the coolest of all the national soccer fans. These fans wear costumes, blow their vuvuzelas, and probably toke up before entering the stadium. What’s not to love?
• Holland is the only undefeated team in the 2010 World Cup and are unbeaten in last 24 games (last loss came in September 2008).
• The Freaky-Deaky Dutch are the only team in World Cup History to have won four straight games by a one-goal margin.
• Dutch studio analyst got a little emotional talking about how the Netherlands holds the title for Best National Soccer Team to Have Never Won a World Cup. He says it’s a badge of honor for his fellow countrymen. Just like how Donovan McNabb feels honored to be the best active quarterback to have never won a Super Bowl. Right…

Now that we’re all on a first-name basis with one another, let’s get this game started!

First Half

You dude, we should definitely wear orange jerseys! Who cares that our national colors are red, white, and blue -- orange is cool, man.

0:00 - Let me get this straight, the Netherlands flag is red, white, and blue and their soccer team wears orange? Between them and the Italians, who wear blue when their flag is red, white, and green, soccer is kind of confusing. I’m just going to assume that someone was very stoned when this decision was made. Just saying.

Okay it’s predictions time. My neighbor, Dewayne, is over watching the game and his lack of soccer knowledge somehow exceeds mine. His pick: “Uruguay is gonna take it, 3-1. I’m just going with a total guess.”

My Pick: I’m thinking Netherlands, 2-1. Go big orange!

3:07 - Dirk Kuyt of Netherlands has the game’s first shot, but it sailed over the net. The perk of low-scoring games, every scoring chance is so important.

5:55 – Alvaro Pereira gets Uruguay its first shot with a long attempt from near midfield that also sailed over the net.

7:30 – Uruguay’s Edinson Cavani just was whistled for a handball. This is now the second most famous handball in recent Uruguay soccer history.

8:10 – Khalid Boulahrouz of the Netherlands is whistled for a handball. Do you think Luis Suarez is jealous of all these handballers?

Both teams are feeling each other out right now, so Dewayne and I just talked about hair standards for marines. Dewayne’s a marine, and apparently, the side of his head must be skinned and the top of his hair can only be three inches long. I just explained him the weird soccer offsides rules. We’re not sure which rule is dumber, the hair or the offsides.

9:20 – Dutch forward Arjen Robben headed one off a cross and the save bounced really high into the air before the Uruguay keeper snares it up. Let’s take this opportunity to talk about number 11 for the Netherlands. Robben has 14 goals in 50 games with the national team. Aside from being one of the finest, left-footed footballers in the world, Robben has made a name for himself for flopping a little too much in this World Cup. When even the Holland studio analyst is ripping you pregame, you deserve to be called the Flopper for the rest of this column.

12:10 – Sneijder just took a shot from just outside the 18 and very nearly nailed his own player, Robin Van Persie in his, um, family jewels. Dewayne summed it up best: “That guy almost got nailed.” The whole scene reminded me of another athlete whose teammate can now sing soprano because of him.

17:31 – GOOOOOOAAAAALLL! Dutch captain, Giovanni Van Bronckhorst, with a howitzer from way outside the 18 with the left foot, top right corner off the pole. Wow! That’s Bronckhorst’s six goal in international competition for the national team. Holland has drawn first blood, 1-0 Netherlands.

20:45 – My cable froze for a second, and our feed returns just after Robben’s first flop of the game. Bummer! He looks to be in terrible pain, and it leads to a yellow card for Uruguay’s Maxi Pereira. Now the Flopper will take the free kick. Just saw the replay, and while it looked like a legitimate foul, Robben was definitely acting. Gotta love those Europeans!

23:00 – Possession: Netherlands 63 percent; Uruguay 37 percent.

24:00 – Uruguay’s Mauricio Victorino missed most of the club season with ruptured ankle ligaments. He had horse placenta rubbed on it for treatment. Announcer, “I don’t think it shortened the recovery period.” Makes sense, although if I were going to have horse placenta rubbed on an injury, I’d like it to work.

25:20 – Mark Van Bommel of the Netherlands just faked Uruguay’s Diego Perez out of his jock. I feel like you should know that.

The phrase "foot in mouth disease" took on a whole new poignant meaning, here. (SOURCE: Reuters)

26:54 – An attempted bicycle kick just resulted in a kick to the face of Holland’s Demy De Zeeuw. Dewayne just shouted Ha-Do-Ken as the Dutch backed up their boy by getting in the face of some Uruguay players. If any punches are thrown, let’s just hope the three knock-down rule is in effect with these floppers.

30:19 – Uruguay’s Martin Caceres with some strong defense on the Flopper in the box.

31:25 – A flop from Cavani in the box draws some serious boos from the mostly orange crowd. The Dutch booing a flopper? Just a minute later Scneijder went down in the heap off a weak shove. Like rubbing’s racing in Nascar, flopping’s soccer in the World Cup.

35:09 – Alvaro Pereira’s long shot was easily saved by the Dutch keeper.

37:49 – Announcers are crediting the chemistry and unselfishness of the Netherlands team. I hope they also take each game one-at-a-time and don’t get too high or too low after a loss.

40:03 – GOOOAALLLL!! Uruguay captain Diego Forlan puts Uruguay level with his fourth goal of this World Cup off a good shot from just outside the 18 that the Dutch keeper couldn’t quite tip over the net. The announcers think it was a weak goal, guess since it caught him on the short-side.

44:04 – The Flopper takes another dive. This time I think he tripped over the circle line near midfield. No matter, his arms are up in disgust at the lack of a call. I’m reminded of another group of athletes that took pride in taking a fall.

45:00 +2 – We just heard the whistle for halftime. Both captains have scored and we’re left with a tight 1-1 tie as we break.

Second Half

45:15 – Scneijder goes down in pain from a phantom tackle. Everyone in the room began making random fake moaning sounds. This was the moaning sound I was making.

47:58 – I just noticed that Uruguay goalkeeper, Fernando Muslera, is wearing a sharp all-white jersey-shorts-socks combo. I wonder how they figure out the goalkeeper’s uniforms? A question for another day. Back to the action!

50:05 – The Netherlands keeper attempts a wild slide tackle outside the 18, leaving the net wide open. Thankfully a Netherlands defender made it back in time to stop a long shot attempt.

56:55 – Cavani popped his collar. If Uruguay loses, maybe he can do a guest spot on the Jersey Shore. Thanks, I’ll be here all night.

57:51 – The Flopper just embarrassed Uruguay’s Caceres with a fake and forced a corner kick. I guess that’s why you put up with the flopping.

60:55 – Just saw a replay of another flop by the master himself, when he fell impossibly backwards after being “tripped” from the front. You could say he’s as creative with the ball as he is with the fall. Again, I’ll be here all night. Don’t forget to tip your waitress.

63:27 - As I’m calling for a dive from the Flopper, he surprised me by staying upright. Guess I’ll move on to making fun of Cavani’s popped collar. At least he doesn’t have to change before going to the club after the game.

65:45 – Free kick coming up from Forlan about 10 meters (what up metric system?) from the box. Big spot here for the Uruguay captain.

66:20 – Good save from the Netherlands keeper on the near post after Forlan bent it around the wall.

67:37 – Rafeal Van der Vaart (great name) of the Netherlands just created some offense, but his shot was saved by Muslera. The Flopper’s rebound attempt was wild high. He’s a left-footer but had to take that shot with his right. He’ll want that one back, as that was a golden opportunity to take the lead.

69:19 – GOOOOOOOAAALLL!!! After calling for the ball and cutting off the ball from his own teammate, Wesley Sneijder puts one in through a screen. 2-1, Holland! Dewayne’s thoughts: “Little short guy’s just tearing sh*t up.” Score one for the little guys!

72:00 – Just watched as two balls ended up in the stands. Dewayne and I can’t figure out if soccer fans can keep the ball. You can keep the ball/puck in baseball, hockey, and American football, but you must give the ball back in basketball. Any ideas, feel free to comment below please!

72:41 – GOOOOOAAAALLLLL!! Mr. Flopper just headed in a shot to send the Freaky Deaky Dutch wild. 3-1 Holland! Free bong hits for everyone in Amsterdam! Everyone speaks Freaky Deaky Dutch tonight!

Sorry, I don't speak freaky deaky Dutch!

75:05 – The announcers think that the go-ahead goal was offsides. What do you think? Can a shot be ruled offsides? Was Sneijder’s strike an offsides? This is more confusing than an argument about the space-time continuum. Either way, the Flopper’s goal pretty much put this one away for the Dutch.

80:28 – In the close-up replay of his goal celebration, Flopper is covered in grass and turf. He’s been busy this game.

81:25 – Sneijder and the Flopper just had another chance to score after some more sneaky good play from the little man. If the Dutch win the World Cup, little number 10 might have to be considered for World Cup Golden Ball Trophy for the tournament’s most valuable player.

83:32 – Good-bye to the Uruguay captain, Diego Forlan, who scored the team’s only goal and had three shots on goal. Sebastian Fernandez replaced him. He’s a short, fast guy. Guess Uruguay learned after watching Sneijder give them the old Speedy Gonzalez in the second half.

85:00 – Near own-goal from the Dutch. Fernandez was right on the doorstep to hammer that home.

85:57 – The Flopper nearly adds the exclamation point on the counterattack, but his little flip attempt with his left foot off the right side (ala Mark Messier in hockey, if you will) was snuffed out by the Uruguay keeper.

88:28 – The Flopper gets a curtain call as he’s substituted out for Eljero Elia. Both he and Sneijder had strong games, and Robben (yes, I will refer to him by his actual name) was probably the number two star for the game. No question that Sneijder is the Man of the Match. That’s soccer for player of the game.

91:17 – Uruguay’s Maxi Pereira just scored a quick goal off a free kick. Call back the Fat Lady. We… have… overselves… a game.

92:22 – Netherlands with a long clear, but Uruguay quickly gets the ball back in dangerously deep.

92:53 – Uruguay, in with its last gasp, fired a long shot off the face of a Dutch player. Now that’s sacrificing for the team!

93:37 – Yellow card to Mark Van Bommel, but it’s still Netherlands ball. I’m confused.

94:37 – Long free kick by goalie. Two or three chances by Uruguay, but time finally runs out.

“Dutch delight, dutch delirium in Cape Town. Holland on to the World Cup Final.” Even my girlfriend came out of the kitchen to remark on the greatness of this European announcer. At that moment, ESPN cut to a shot of Amsterdam of a huge crowd of people gathering to watch the game with a mysterious gray haze over it.

Enjoy the party, Dutch fans!

Who else finds it odd that this exhibition game has to be for homefield advantage in the World Series? It’s a sad state for professional sports when an All-Star game needs to have postseason implications for it to “matter,” but somehow Bud Selig made that happen.

Additionally, I always think it looks weird when All Star players wear their individual team jerseys instead of an All Star jersey, and it’s a different sort of game when starting pitchers only work an inning just like closers. It just never felt like a normal professional baseball game to me.

But that’s not going to stop me from writing my first running diary on the 2009 MLB All-Star Game.  So with my new 42” HDTV and DVR — I taped the game while I was at work on the West Coast — it’s time for my first Bill Simmons Honorary Running Diary.

Opening Introductions for the Mid-Summer Classic

-The St. Louis fans were giving some nice ovations. Former Cardinals great and current L.A. manager Joe Torre got the best cheers for anyone that is not a current Cardinal. According to everyone and their mother, St. Louis has the best and most knowledgeable baseball fans in the country. (Or was it world?) Chances are we’ll hear that little nugget of information again.

-Congrats to Ted Lilly, the only player booed by the great St. Louis Cardinal fans.  Guess St. Louis really hates the Cubs.

-During introductions, I noticed former Phillie free-agent bust Ryan Franklin made the roster and CHECK OUT THAT FACIAL HAIR! He would’ve been my favorite Phillies player if he had remained on the team with that chin action. Jayson Worth has nothing on this guy.

-How does Joe Buck ruin everything? Had to say “Here we go St. Louis” before Pujols’ intro, didn’t ya? I don’t know why his words made it all so annoying. Maybe I’m the problem … moving on.

-I can’t be the first to say that Tim Lincecum looks like the grown-up version of Mitch Kramer from Dazed and Confused. I really can’t be, right? Please tell me Bill Simmons has mentioned this several times.

-After seeing Barack Obama, George W. Bush, and Bill Clinton in the military bit, I’m wondering: Will all living presidents really be on this PSA?

-Bush the first is on. C’mon Jimmy! One more!

-YES!  Jimmy Carter made it. BEYOND COMMITMENT!

-I have DVR. I’m going to skip through the rest of this bit on the military. I guess I’m not BEYOND CARING!  On a related note, I’m going to hell. I hope SPF 50 works down there…

(Truthfully, I am thankful for our armed servicemen, and these people are pretty impressive. I didn’t end up fast forwarding and watched all five in the program.)

-Even amongst the other four living presidents, it’s pretty apparent that Obama can hold his own in a speech.

-Cool scene on the field when the All-Stars went up and congratulated those soldiers. I thought this was going to be too corny for me but man was I wrong. Well done.

-Can things get any worse, Hollywood? Michael Strahan has his own sitcom? Note to self: Move to L.A. They are running out of actors.

-Sheryl Crow seemed nervous during the national anthem. (Can’t say I blame her.) She did, however, hit her stride by the end.

-I love it when they bring out the stealth bomber for a flyover. I wonder though, does anyone even know it’s there? Shouldn’t it just pass over without anyone knowing? Oh wait, that joke’s shot after a loud jet-like sound just came over the TV.

-New promo for House looks sick. This is very much the way House should have ended up – in a mental institution. For a show that was exactly the same for five seasons to finally come through with a new angle, they’ve earned my viewership in the fall season.

-CLEVELAND SHOW! Sold. Can’t wait.

-Major League Baseball seems like a fraternity to me. When you’re a Hall of Famer, they trot you out like alumni, talk about how great you are, and give you a nice colored jacket. Speaking of which, I’ve been meaning to visit the College of New Jersey one of these days…

-The crowd’s reaction to Obama has to be the perfect indicator of his standing with the American people: a tremendous ovation with an undercurrent of boos. I can see tomorrow’s FOX News headline now: “St. Louis lustily boos Obama, why Sarah Palin would’ve thrown an 86 mph strike for the first pitch.”

-It’s been more than 40 minutes since the All-Star game was set to begin, and I just gained nothing from the experience. Here is what we’ve learned in the past 40 min: (1) We should be proud of our soldiers. (Check.) (2) President Obama cannot reach the plate, but. George W. Bush can certainly bring it.

-Ken Rosenthal is abnormally tiny. Whose idea was it to have him stand right next tall professional athletes in interviews? I blame Joe Buck.

The GAME

-Ichiro nearly put the NL in the whole before I blinked. That might’ve been game right there, especially since the AL is undefeated in All Star Games since ‘96. Losing streaks always wear heavily on a ball club, but can it transfer between All-Star rosters? I vote yes.

-This just in, Derek Jeter is good at two-strike hitting according to color man – I mean play-by-play announcer – Joe Buck.

-Ouch!!! Yankees fans must love seeing Jeter get hit in by a pitch in the All Star game. Oh wait, this one matters so way to take one for the team Captain Yankee! He’ll do anything to win a game.

-I think Jeter is fuming like Ben Affleck was in Dazed and Confused. If Lincecum is limping when he returns to San Fran, chances are Jeter paddled him circa 1976 after the game.

-Thanks to the defensive wizardry of both Lincecum and Pujols, 2-0 AL after a half-inning.

-How underrated is Michael Young? The six-time All-Star just made a slick defensive play at third to rob a screamer by Pujols. The guy started his career playing shortstop, switched to second base to accommodate Alex Rodriguez, back to shortstop after he left, and now he’s the All-Star starter for the American League at third base. Wow. Henceforth, Young shall be known as the Underrated Michael Young in these circles.  In other news, the NL went down in order.

-Obama’s making Tim McCarver giddy in the broadcast booth during the president’s visit to the broadcast booth in the bottom half of the second. Joe Buck, meanwhile, is in the zone, talking to Obama as though he were as inconsequential a guest as Dave Winfield. Somehow Joe Buck’s kudos to Obama seemed like how he would congratulate a grade schooler on a B- grade for an English quiz.

Now if Stan Musial were in the booth…

-Joe Buck does not miss an opportunity to hate (that’s disrespect or “diss” to those not up on the lingo) on anybody. He just had to get in that shot about the Nats firing their manager.

-Obama likes the Phillies! This is great. (That is Philly Phan moment number one to those keeping score at home.)

-In case anyone else was wondering, Joe Buck wanted to remind everyone that the NL hasn’t won an All-Star game since ’96. I count two references to that dubious stat. Both by Joe Buck. Something tells me Buck has at least five more in him by the end of the night.

-Back-to-back-to-back hard-hit singles by NL hitters David Wright, Shane Victorino, and “Which Molina?” (judges: Yadier) ties the game at two! Extra points to the Flyin’ Hawaiian for good hustle sprinting to third, forcing the errant throw that tied it, and Molina for the hometown excitement. (Philly Phan moment number three.)

-The NL takes the lead! It’s now a 3-2 game after Home Run Derby champ Prince Fielder’s ground-rule double brings home Molina.

-After inspiring hope in the country’s educated liberals in the election and now the NL in the second, President Obama steps down from the broadcast booth/inspiration chamber after Hanley Ramirez can’t bring Fielder home. So ends a fun bottom half to the second.

-“No, thank you so much Mr. President.” — Joe Buck.

-Did Tim Lincicum really make the major leagues because his dad put down a dollar bill to make him finish his windup? See dad, you should have just given me more money when I was a kid, and I’d be a pro ballplayer — making millions. What a ridiculous commercial. (When I’m in hell, I’ll remember that it’s a public service announcement reminding dads to be more active with their children.)

-How is Ryan Franklin this good? My best guess: that squirrel on his chin.

-1-2-3 inning for Ryan Franklin in the All-Star Game. I would have bet my life in 2006 that I wouldn’t have typed those words. My life.

-I love Taco Bell — ask anyone. I even liked that corny “If you like Pina Coladas” commercial. No joke.

-Bank of America is going to get a terrific tax break for its charitable donation during tonight’s All-Star Game (BofA is donating $5,000 for each hit in tonight’s game). The only other possible charitable donation from BofA: their customer service reps give you a break on the first of seven $35 overdraft fees for transactions that totaled $8.50. But I don’t want you to think that happened to me last year … twice.

-Buerhle with a quick 1-2-3 inning. Still 3-2 NL after three.

(Just took a quick hot-tub interlude. That is reason No.56 for buying a DVR. Reason No.1, you ask? Taping the All Star game while at work so that you can watch it when you get home.)

-The Underrated Michael Young sends a hot shot past David Wright for a two-out single, but Aaron Hill can do nothing about it as we go to the bottom half of the third with the NL leading 3-2.

-Will anyone actually see G.I. Joe in theaters? I for one never envisioned Channing Tatum and a Wayans brother (judges: Marlon) starring in the film adaptation of one of the all-time great little-kid cartoons. I’ll believe anything Nostradamus said if we find out he predicted this.

-Is MasterCard really giving out the perfect pair of jeans? If so, who determines the perfect jeans? Personally, I prefer my jeans broken in, in that medium color (between faded and dark), and just about to have holes form in them. It’s a shame because the perfect pair of jeans are about to become very ugly looking when hole rips open on my backside…

-If playing other All-Stars is any indication, the AL definitely has more top-of-the-rotation guys.

-First positive thing Joe Buck said all night (officially) took place with Carl Crawford at the plate with no outs in the top of the fifth: “If you are trying and attempting to keep a scorecard at home, I applaud you.” President Obama was in the booth with him three innings ago. So let’s recap: becoming the first black president is ok, but you should be really proud of yourself for keeping score at home during the All Star Game

-Two minutes later, Joe Buck commented on how Carl Crawford keeps his pants low. Apparently one of the fastest players in baseball should pull up his pants so he can run faster. I now have concrete proof for why I can’t stand listening to Joe Buck call/comment on a game.

-Chase Utley is the heir apparent to Derek Jeter. That play he made towards second base — turning the opposite way before firing to second to force out Crawford — was a heady, gusty play. Bite me, New York fans. (That’s my fourth Philly Phan moment of the diary. For those keeping score at home, Joe Buck applauds you.)

-Pujols follows with a tremendous diving snag, possibly making up for his terrible first-inning defense. The St. Louis fans just got louder after that play.

-Mauer ties it with an RBI double the other way (after which McCarver reminded us that good hitters hit the ball everywhere), scoring Jeter. Mauer might chase .400 in the second half, and according to Sports Illustrated, off the field he looks forward to mowing his grass. He sounds exactly like the type of person whowould thrive in the grassy meadows of New York City. Just wait until the Yankees offer him a modest $240 million.

-Pujols again with the defense! The second backhanded stop by the Wizard of Offense allows the NL escape further damage in the top of the fifth. Joe Buck deadpans, “It’s what makes him great.”

-Do you care who the Pepsi Clutch Performer is? What is it with all this annoying corporate sponsorships? Aren’t they loosing money and trying to spend wiser? On an unrelated note, I could really go for a Pepsi right now.

-Did I mention Utley was Jeter’s heir apparent? Utley bobbles a tailor-made double-play ball but still starts the 4-6-3 to end the top of the sixth. How long until some baseball stat geeks determine that Utley has limited range at second base?

-It’s all about the Roosevelts, baby! (BTW, I had Taco Bell on Friday and Saturday.)

-Joe Buck: “Justin is the first All-Star Upton.” The First All-Star Upton grounds out to end the sixth. Mid-Summer Classic is still tied, 3-3.

-Just received former WWF wrestler Bret Hart’s autobiography Hitman in the mail today from Amazon. There’s a story inside about when the Hart Foundation put their finishing move on Vince McMahon at a party after a taping. I can’t wait to read this one.

-Papelbon looked less than impressive after allowing two loud outs to start the bottom of the seventh. Thanks to a web gem by Crawford and a weak jet stream in right, the Red Sox closer narrowly avoided giving up back-to-back dingers. Still, it was another 1-2-3 inning for the AL after he struck out Werth on a full count.

-We’re through seven innings and each team has used six pitchers. What are the chances we see any relief pitchers throw more than an inning tonight? Personally, I’m all for Charlie Manuel giving K-Rod three or four innings of work… (Anyone remember that Brad Lidge warmed up basically every inning from the ninth on in last year’s marathon All Star Game? I do. Thank goodness he didn’t break down in 2008 like he has this year. Last year’s World Series title has calmed me down considerably.)

-Big triple by Curtis Granderson as the First All-Star Upton played that fly ball like a back-up Little Leaguer. Still though, not many guys get triples to left field.

-Adam “I am definitely not Pacman” Jones steps up in a big spot after Charlie Manuel had Heath Bell intentionally walk Victor Martinez — much to the chagrin of Joe Buck. But really, can you tell the difference between a compliment and a complaint with him? The guy has the emotional range of a 1950s sitcom father. I wonder if McCarver donates half of his paycheck to Joe Buck because — let’s not kid ourselves here — Joe Buck does 50% of the commentary in addition to his play-by-play duties.

-Pacman – I mean Adam – Jones comes through with a clutch sac-fly to right, scoring Granderson. Never thought clutch sac-fly and All-Star Game would ever go together – thank you Bud Selig! Utility-man extraordinaire Ben Zobrist strikes out. It’s now a 4-3 AL lead midway through the eighth. There’s been clutch hitting throughout the AL’s 12-game unbeaten streak. With Joe Nathan and Mo Rivera looming, it’s looking like lucky number 13 for the AL. (Conversely, it would be unlucky number 13 for the NL in case you were wondering.)

-Why is Gatorade calling itself G? I guess cornering the lucrative sports beverage market isn’t good enough, so now they’d like to have the letter “G” all to themselves. At least now they can sponsor episodes of Sesame Street.

-Is Adrian Gonzalez diabetic? Did anyone else see what appeared to be an insulin pump on the back of his hip? Anyway, his eighth inning walk stopped an 0-for-18 streak by NL batters. Naturally, the next batter, Orlando Hudson, hits one up the middle off Jason Bartlett to put runners on the corner for Phillies slugger/swing-and-miss specialist (not to mention St. Louis-native) Ryan Howard.

-No defensive shift for Howard? Wait, nevermind. Joe Madden was just a little late in setting that one up. You would think he wouldn’t forget facing Howard and the Phillies in the World Series right? (That’s five Philly Phan moments.)

-Now the rest of the NL knows how it feels to watch Ryan Howard strike out in a key spot. It sucks. We go to the ninth with the AL holding a slim one-run lead.

-I think outside the bun.

-Congratulations to Carl Crawford, FOX’s choice for the Mercedes Benz Attention Assist of the Game. Now when I go to the store to buy a Pepsi, I think I’ll stop by the Mercedes dealership and have them laugh at my credit rating.

-Mets closer Francisco Rodriguez sits ‘em down in order. I hope Manuel knows that, should the game go to extras, K-Rod can go three or four more innings.

-Mariano Rivera (who else) will take the mound in the ninth for the AL. We all agree on this right, Rivera is the best closer of all time? As the Phoenix would say: book it.

-Tonight’s keeper stat, courtesy of Joe Buck: the AL has won the last three All-Star Games by one run. We’re now two outs from four straight nail-biters to the Junior Circuit.

-Eliminator (a.k.a. the cutter) on the outside corner for strike three retires Brad Hawpe. Only Miguel Tejada stands between the AL and homefield advantage in the World Series for the 56th consecutive time, or something like that.

-Eliminator jams Tejada and the AL takes the Mid-Summer Classic and homefield advantage in the World Series.

I hope you enjoyed my running diary of the 2009 MLB All-Star Game. I’m glad to be back writing some columns again, and hopefully there’s more where that came from. In the meantime, I’m going to retire for the evening. Special thanks to TBS for the Mighty Ducks showing immediately following the game.