Draft Darrius Heyward-Bey? Excellent Smithers. Excellent. (Joseph Coleman -- Taking Back Sports)

“As bad as we are right now, at least we’re not __________.”

In the 80s up until about 1995, that statement applied to the Tampa Bay Creamsicles (Buccaneers). From ’96 until … basically now, that statement applied to the Detroit Lions.

With the exception of one random Super Bowl appearance, the new team has officially been anointed, as of the 2009 NFL Draft.

“As bad as we are right now, at least we’re not … The Oakland Raiders.”

I feel sorry for Raiders fans in the same way I feel bad about the guy that has to hook up with the fat girl “bodyguarding” her hot friend while his boy makes out with the hottie. The part of the fat girl in this scenario will be played by Al “Montgomery Burns” Davis. Look at Al Davis, and look at C. Montgomery Burns, and I DARE YOU not to chuckle at the resemblance.

“Burnsie” has been QUOTED as saying he will not go away until the Raiders win two more Super Bowls or he dies of natural causes. If you’re a betting man, bet your mortgage, your kid’s college tuition, etc, on the latter of those happening.

I watched the draft in my apartment, and saw Mark Sanchez go to the Jets (remember to thank Erik Mangini, by the way, Jets fans). When that happened, I began to think that maybe something was going to be special. I’m not a Raiders fan by ANY STRETCH OF THE IMAGINATION, but I kinda got a feeling they might actually do something that makes sense.

I saw “Big Roge” (that’s what the commish, Roger Goodell, wants me to call him in my articles) walk up to the stage with the Raiders’ pick, and I was actually anxious. I have come to know a few Raiders fans in my five years here in San Diego, so I was excited for them. Michael Crabtree, anyone? And then it happened …

“With the eighth pick in the 2009 NFL Draft, the Oakland Raiders select … Darrius Hayward-Bey, wide receiver, University of Maryland.”

Immediately, I wondered if Goddell took this pick to the Oakland Raiders war room and go: “Guys? Are you sure about this? Do you need some more time? I’ll give you some more time.”

Literally five seconds later, I got a phone call from my friend Glenn, a dedicated member of Raider Nation, and then proceeded to talk him down from jumping out of a window. After I soothed him like Samuel L. Jackson in “The Negotiator,” Glenn wondered why Heyward-Bey was chosen over Crabtree. I explained carefully that if John Clayton couldn’t figure this out, what makes you think I can make sense of it?

I can tell you who I would have picked, though. I hope Burnsie is reading this. I’m nominating myself to be the next general manager of the Oakland Raiders. (This statement could cause me to lose a lot of friends who are Chargers/Broncos/Chiefs fans, but I gotta do something about this). If Burnsie is reading this and likes what he reads, feel free to contact me.

First, Let’s just analyze the situation. The Raiders have an offense that is loaded with talent at most of the key positions (i.e. quarterback and tailback). They don’t necessarily have the receiving talent, but that isn’t the pressing need in my opinion in the first round. Here’s what would have been said if Adio Royster, General Manager of the Oakland Raiders, made the pick:

“With the eighth pick in the 2009 NFL Draft, the Oakland Raiders select … Eugene Monroe, tackle from the University of Virginia.”

Before the pick, I can imagine the conversation with Burnsie going something like this:

ME: I’m drafting Eugene Monroe with the eighth pick.

BURNSIE: Does he have good hands?

ME: Absolutely. He’ll move those defensive linemen around and help everyone else make plays.

BURNSIE: I meant can he catch the ball?

ME: (with a confused look) Dude. I’m drafting an offensive tackle.

After explaining for about 5-10 minutes how games are won in the trenches, Burnsie kinda goes along with the pick after I promise a career season from JaMarcus Russell (which should be easy, considering his first few years of production).

The Raiders — my mistake, AL DAVIS — didn’t just screw up the first-round pick. He screwed up the ENTIRE DRAFT! In the second round, with two talented safeties, Michael Mitchell, a safety from Ohio was chosen. Um… what?! No.

This year’s draft had good little wide receiving nuggets all through it, so I’m willing to take a chance on a third-round receiver. I’m concentrated on rebuilding an offensive line that a 9-year-old Pop Warner kid can get three sacks against. Therefore, second-round pick: Max Unger, tackle, Oregon. Burnsie, I know I took back to back tackles, but understand something:

It’s impossible to put points on the board with the quarterback:

… on his back

… for the 800th time

… in the first quarter!

Listen, Burnsie. The object of the offensive line is to stop the defensive guys from tackling the offensive guys. I had to explain that as simple as possible. Monroe and Unger do that, and they can step right in and start.

Burnsie will eat your franchise's liver with a bottle of chianti (Joseph Coleman -- Taking Back Sports)

In the third round, I finally give in to Burnsie’s request and draft a wide receiver. Little does he know that I was planning to draft a wide out, anyway. Every so often, I’ll stroke his ego. Derrick Williams, Penn State wide receiver. Come on down and join the party. This is JaMarcus Russell. He will be throwing you the ball. Get used to it fast.

Fourth round is where I may pull a muscle by stretching for Michigan’s Terrance Taylor. He’s a defensive tackle that will put some extra depth and beef on the defensive line. Sometimes, Burnsie, you have to throw a dart and see if it hits. The difference between you and me is that a helpless Raider fan won’t get stabbed in the heart when I throw.

No fifth-round pick, which sucks because I’d be all for South Carolina’s Jasper Brinkley or Oklahoma’s Nic Harris. Fast forward to the sixth round, where Stryker Sulak, a defensive end from Iowa was selected. Sulak would be a great steal … if the Raiders ran a 3-4 defense. But Sulak is WAY undersized to be a 4-3 defensive end in the AFC West (teams with LaDainian Tomlinson, Larry Johnson and, as of right now, Knowshown Moreno). These teams are running, folks. Vance Walker, defensive tackle, Virginia Tech, have a seat, here’s a jersey.

As much as general managers and owners claim a draft is the most difficult part of the job, I just fixed the Raiders with half a draft. Two starters on the offensive line, a possible No. 2 wide receiver and depth on the defensive line. Raiders fans should read this, send it to Burnsie and demand that I take over as general manager of the Oakland Raiders.

The Phoenix has risen, and he’s covered in silver and black.

Detroit Lions Select Matthew Stafford 1st Overall

- Roger Goodell makes his first appearance at the podium before much time ran out. Matthew Stafford just was booed by the crowd. Memo to Donovan McNabb. SHUT UP ABOUT 1999.

- Jack’s Thoughts: “Thank you Detriot for not wasting 15 minutes of our life and allowing St. Louis to be on the clock and speed this up.”

New York Jets Trade Up to Select Mark Sanchez

- Jack’s Thoughts: “Yours truly, in my mock draft, just scored one on the national field by correctly calling for the Jets to take Sanchez via moving up in the draft. Take that Mel Kiper!”

Oakland Raiders Select Darius Heyward-Bay

- Well that’s defintiely a surprise! Over Crabtree? Must be the Raiders. Why not trade back for him if he’s your man, Al Davis? He would’ve still been there at least in the mid-first round if not late first round. The G-Men can’t be thrilled at this one considering they were heavily rumored to want to trade up a few picks for him. Will they move up for Crabtree now?? Stay tuned.

Chargers Select Larry English

- Jack’s Thoughts: “The AFC West race is heating up and it’s only late April. The bigger moron on draft day, the Raiders’ Al Davis or the Bolts’ GM A.J. Smith. Why on earth would Smith take an average outside linebacker (Larry English) from a mid-major conference over Clay Matthews from USC if that’s the route Smith wanted to go??? The Bolts have a ton of depth at LB, even with Merriman a potential question mark coming off knee surgery. This move by Smith rivals the stupidity of Al Davis not seeking value for his pick and taking Heyward-Bey at #7 over Crabtree.”

Post Draft Thoughts on the Eagles Selections

Now it’s the title of Taking Back Sports Draft Guru for Jack of All Sports, and he didn’t even need to pick the entire first round.

With eight correct guesses despite ignoring the final 11 selections (including the game-winner: predicting the New York Jets to trade up for USC QB Mark Sanchez), Jack edged the hard-charging Commish’s seven draft selections.

Final NFL Mock Draft Standings

1. Jack of All Sports — an easy 8
2. The Commish — an honest 7
3. Dr. Sports Fan – a pathetic 2
4. Brady (Editor) — 1 thank you to Matthew Stafford

Winning the title of Taking Back Sports Draft Guru is one thing. Doing so while leaving over a third of his mock draft blank, that’s the stuff of legend.

As the undefeated master of the Taking Back Sports sports writers, he will be henceforth known as Jack Bauer of All Sports.

-Dr. Sports Fan

Instead of having a room full of scouting directors, front office personnel and a coaching staff, the sports writer is the only one in the room. Really, it’s madness for sports writers, but that doesn’t make it boring.

Although predictions are often the name of the game in sports writing these days (a topic for another day), and really that’s all that many sports writers get paid to do, mock drafts are hardest possible thing for a sports writer to predict. There are stupid owners that make terrible draft picks — and for that, I’m looking at the Dunce Trio of Al “Swamp Thing” Davis, Jerry “Cher” Jones and Daniel “Baby Face” Snyder — and teams trade up and down constantly. It’s a clusterf**k.

But the NFL Draft fun to guess about (and mock, if you will), and maybe that’s why people love reading about it.

Normally, I’d be that guy holed up in that war room — thinking up every possible scenario, reading every relevant NFL Draft publication, and *gasp* reading some Mel Kiper Jr. columns (who, for the same reason it’s fashionable with Nickelback, is irrationally hated because of this whole process, but I digress). For my NFL Mock Draft 2009, I’m trying something new. I’m going to just look at one publication’s ranking (USA Today Sports Weekly NFL Draft Preview) and use the cumulative knowledge I’ve amassed about each NFL team to make my predictions.

Sounds rational enough right?

Hey, the ignorance approached worked for my girlfriend when she won her March Madness pool.

1. Detroit Lions: Matthew Stafford — QB — Georgia

Simple. Easy. Probably wrong? When was the last time the Lions had a franchise quarterback? I don’t have time to research this, but that should help you understand this pick. Good thing Matt Millen isn’t there to screw this one up by taking Michael Crabtree.  If this were an analogy it would read: Crack addict is to crack pipe as Matt Millen is to drafting WRs in the first round.

2. St. Louis Rams: Jason Smith — LT — Baylor

Lose Orlando Pace, replace with a future anchor for the O-Line. I’m not one of those people who think that the left tackle is the most important position on a football team, but it’s definitely in the top five. Interestingly enough, Smith was converted from tight end to left tackle, like current Eagles left tackle Jason Peters. If Smith is voted to two consecutive All-Pro teams, something tells me that Steve Spagnuolo will be happy. Plus, the former Andy Reid assistant will follow his old coach’s mantra of building out from the line of scrimmage.

3. Kansas City Chiefs: Aaron Curry — LB — Wake Forest

Like Spags above, I see former Pats GM Scott Pioli (Belichick’s former eye in the sky) following the New England mold with strong, playmaking linebackers.

4. Seattle Seahawks: Michael Crabtree — WR — Texas Tech

Even with the addition of T.J. Houshmandzadeh, the Seahawks were decimated by injuries at wideout last year. It cost them dearly, as they missed the playoffs for the first time since 2002. So why not take the WR with HUGE INJURY CONCERNS? Ok, just kidding, but why not take the best player in the entire draft (according to “experts” before the draft B.S. kicked into high gear) when it is your biggest position of need?

5. Cleveland Browns: Brian Orakpo — DE — Texas

Because USA Today said so? Actually, new head man Eric Mangini will want to shore up his defense with the alleged best pass rusher in the draft. That didn’t work out so well last year though, so maybe the Man Genius will look to go another direction this year?  Got me.

6. Cincinnati Bengals: Eugene Monroe — LT — Virginia

Best way to cure a historically bad team? Get better on the offensive and defense lines. Drafting Monroe could be a step towards the correct direction after DECADES off the beaten path for Cinci.

7. Oakland Raiders: Jeremy Maclin — WR — Missouri

Maybe the JaMarcus Russell-to-Jeremy Maclin connection will be the stuff of legend. I doubt it, until Swamp Thing goes back into the marsh.

8. Jacksonville Jaguars: B.J. Raji — DT — Boston College

Three straight in a row from the USA Today board. Maybe this is plagiarism, but at least I’m citing my source! Plus, I really love this pick, as the Jags have to miss Marcus Stroud’s presence in the middle of their D-line. In my humble opinion, D-Tackle is also a top-five position on any successful football team.

(For those playing along at home, that gives us two members of the top five — LT and DT.)

9. Green Bay Packers: Andre Smith — LT — Alabama

It’s hard to really tell if a prospect will bust before he’s even drafted. That said, ‘Bama’s Smith looks like he may be the first to claim that throne. Here’s an interesting side note: L.A. Lakers center Andrew Bynum fouled out in the third quarter of Thursday night’s Game 3 loss to Utah. The THIRD QUARTER!! I don’t know what’s worse: a center who picked up six fouls with time left in the third or his coach, Zen-master Phil Jackson, who left him in with five fouls before that. Hard to tell.

10. San Francisco 49ers: Tyson Jackson — DE — LSU

When you think Mike Singletary, you think defense. Why not draft an old-school 6-foot-4, 296 pounder to anchor one side of his 49er defensive line?

By the way, Tyson Jackson sounds a lot like another lotto pick from Baton Rouge, the Chicago Bulls’ Tyrus Thomas.

11. Buffalo Bills — Everette Brown — DE — Florida St.

Earth to Aaron Schobel, come in please.

12. Denver Broncos — Mark Sanchez — QB — USC

Like a diaper, the Broncos change franchise quarterbacks. Hopefully Sanchez doesn’t leak as much as Jay “Cry Baby” Cutler.

13. Washington Redskins — Josh Freeman — QB — Kansas State

I’m thinking that the Redskins would really have liked to have made this pick Sanchez. If they don’t trade up, Freeman will be their consolation prize. Either way, the Jason Campbell experience may be a limited-time engagement in the nation’s capital.

14. New Orleans Saints — Michael Oher — OT — Ole Miss

Why not add a dominant left tackle to protect Brees’ blind spot? Knowshon Moreno could very well end up here.

15. Houston Texans — Rey Maualuga — LB — USC

Maualuga is the first of the heralded USC ‘backer trio to come off the board, but his former running mates will not be far behind. Houston has a solid foundation on offense with Matt Schaub, Steve Slaton, and Andre Johnson at the skill positions. Now it’s time to build around star defensive end Mario Williams and pro bowl linebacker DeMeco Ryans. Maualuga looks like a Ray Lewis clone (but without the whole murder rap thing — oh wait, you didn’t forget about that did you?).

16. San Diego Chargers — Clay Matthews III — DE/LB — USC

Matthews is the second straight Trojan ‘backer off the board. With a proven pedigree (his father, grandfather, and uncle were all NFL stars), Clay III should provide great insurance for a team that could surprise many and jump back into Super Bowl contention. Shawn Merriman was out for the season in2008, and with him went the Chargers’ Super Bowl aspirations. Why not go after the best available rush-linebacker talent left on the board and at least supply your team with another rush option when Merriman inevitably leaves via free agency?

17. NY Jets — Percy Harvin — WR — Florida

The most dangerous weapon on the best team in college football last year becomes perhaps the biggest question mark heading into the pro game. Where will this guy play? Is he a wide receiver? Is he a running back? Does he take the snaps in the Wildcat formation? Does he pour the water on the bench? Can he hold a clipboard? The questions are endless!

18. Chicago Bears — Darrius Heyward-Bey — WR — Maryland

Damn. I keep picking the same position back-to-back. No matter. The Bears need to give Cry Baby a target, and Heyward-Bey brings a ton to the table. He has great size (6-2) and ran the fastest 40 at the combine (4.25). For a QB that has an absolute cannon for an arm, those are some good qualities. I just hope he doesn’t mind changing any diapers.

19. Tampa Bay Buccaneers — Malcolm Jenkins — CB — Ohio St.

I know that Jenkins projects more as a FS than CB in the pro game, but he actually fits the Tampa-2 defense like a glove. While he doesn’t cover like a glove, his 6-foot, 204-pound frame should be ideal to press at the line of scrimmage and support in defensing the run. After watching the beatdown that Carolina gave Ronde Barber on MNF last year, the Bucs could use some size on the outside more than most.

20. Detriot Lions — Eben Britton — OT — Arizona

This is the safe pick after drafting a rookie QB. A good team would make this pick, so I’m doubting that it will happen…

21. Philadelphia Eagles — Knowshon Moreno — RB — Georgia

Does he fall this far? I doubt it. Will I jump for joy, high-fiving Jack of All Sports and The Phoenix in joy and call my dad to excitedly talk football? YES! Will any of this happen? No.

22. Minnesota Vikings — Aaron Maybin — DE/OLB — Penn St.

This will not happen, but I think it would be awesome if the Vikings had four Pro Bowlers (to join Jared “Mullet” Allen and the Williams Pat and Kevin). If I were Brad Childress, I would do two things: (1) buy a hair-piece and (2) trade up for a franchise quarterback in order to stop killing the career of Adrian Peterson. Is it an Andy Reid thing to get a great player and not give him any help?

23. New England Patriots — Brian Cushing — OLB — USC

Cushing falls this low because of the steroid concerns. (OK, I’m just looking for something to justify forgetting him until this point. He did have steroid questions, but they were roundly dismissed. I mean, it was just flaxeed oil and a cream.) This would be the ideal location for a player with Cushing’s skill set, as Charlie Weis recruited him while he was still the offensive coordinator for Bellicheck. They know him and would love him in Foxboro.

24. Atlanta Falcons –Vontae Davis — CB — Illinois

Atlanta couldn’t stop Arizona’s passing attack in the Wild-card round last year, and they could have done some damage had they advanced. Drafting Davis will do a lot to help a talented defense play more aggressively in the future.

25. Miami Dolphins — Brandon Pettigrew — TE — Oklahoma St.

The ‘Fins need a receiver in the worst way, so Bill Parcells looks into his past for the answer. In Pettigrew, Parcells will have a modern-day Mark Bavaro — a tight end who can block and receive with the best. Not only that, but how have we not talked about the Tuna and the ‘Fins? Ta-Ta-Ta Tuna and the Fins.

26. Baltimore Ravens — Hakeem Nicks — WR — UNC

It doesn’t happen much, but the Pittsburgh Steelers physically dominated the Ravens in last year’s AFC Championship Game. Want to stop it? Pick up a big, physical WR to add a little ‘tude and give Joe Flacco a big target to grow with.

27. Indianapolis Colts — Peria Jerry — DT — Mississippi

Stopping the run is always the key for Indy’s playoff hopes. In 2006, Bob Sanders and Booger McFarland keyed the Colts’ surprise run to the Lombardi Trophy. In ‘07 and ‘08, the Chargers ran all over them with Darren Sproles (who earned himself a nice raise with the franchise tag this offseason).

28. Buffalo Bills — Chris Wells — RB — Ohio St.

It doesn’t look like Marshawn Lynch will be the heir-apparent to Thurman Thomas. Time to give Beanie Wells a shot.

29. New York Giants — Kenny Britt — WR — Rutgers

Maybe a reach here for the 6-3 star from Piscataway, but Eli Manning needs a bigger target to throw to now that Plaxico Burress is finally on his way out. Britt is still lanky and has room to fill out in the future.

30. Tennessee Titans — Connor Barwin — OLB — Cincinnati

A former tight end that can hopefully become a playmaker for a Titans defense that will be HURTING without Albert Haynesworth.

31. Arizona Cardinals — Alex Mack — C — Cal

The Secret World of Alex Mack comes to the Valley of the Sun next season. Will there be holes for any ‘Zona running backs, though?

32. Pittsburgh Steelers — William Beatty — OT — Connecticut

The weak spot for the defending champions is the offensive line. Why not start there with the title defense?

Anyway, I’m done.  If you stuck around the whole way, I’m impressed.

More impressed than with my picks anyway…

Okay, I won’t really be that glib. First, let me impress you with how meaningless mine is.

My picks are not based on any sort of insight or intelligence. I simply ordered the top 32 prospects (according to Scouts Inc.) by the number of letters in their name. The first tiebreaker was number of letters in their school’s name, and the second was simple alphabetical order. (Incidentally, this was similar to the system I’ve used to fill out my NCAA bracket the past two years.)

For the most part, I tried to rationalize my picks in an attempt to demonstrate what a load of crap mock drafts are. I thought that if mine sounded reasonable or similar to the myriad others out there, it would prove that it’s all bunk. Unfortunately, my focus waned at points and I made attempts at snarkiness and/or humor.

One final note: This whole draft is even more of a sham due to the fact that Georgia QB Matthew Stafford has already agreed to terms with the Lions.

1. Detroit Lions: QB Matthew Stafford

Unfortunately, Stafford and the Lions operate in reality, which is strictly outside the bounds of my terrifying scenario.

2. St. Louis Rams: WR Darrius Heyward-Bey

Torry Holt’s gone, and Donnie Avery was streaky. Why not break the seal on the WR class this year as well?

3. Kansas City Chiefs: TE Brandon Pettigrew

No Tony Gonzalez, no problem. This guy will actually block.

4. Seattle Seahawks: ILB James Laurinaitis

The Seahawks’ defense was atrocious in 2008. Can’t blame it all on injuries, and Laurinaitis’ blue-collar mentality might be a welcome change for this finesse team.

5. Cleveland Browns: WR Michael Crabtree

Bad news for Braylon Edwards (and likely for the NFC East, where he seems destined to land).

6. Cincinnati Bengals: CB Malcolm Jenkins

Jenkins can start at corner or safety for the Bengals. He could probably start at both positions simultaneously and still be an upgrade over last year’s secondary.

7. Oakland Raiders: RB Knowshon Moreno

A shocker, but the pick makes sense when Al Davis sends Michael Bush and Justin Fargas to the RB-needy Cardinals for Anquan Boldin.

8. Jacksonville Jaguars: DE Everett Brown

Derrick Harvey and Quentin Groves combined for six sacks last year. Another young pass rusher couldn’t hurt.

9. Green Bay Packers: DE Larry English

Pairing English with 2007 first-rounder Justin Harrell and 2006’s A.J. Hawk fortifies the Pack’s front seven for years to come.

10. San Francisco 49ers: OLB Brian Cushing

Ditto the previous pick, except sub 2007’s Patrick Willis for Hawk and 2008’s Kentwan Balmer for Harrell. With Manny Lawson on the roster, though, this gives the Niners an embarrassment of riches at linebacker.

11. Buffalo Bills: DE Tyson Jackson

Jackson will be a formidable end in the NFL, but the Bills may be going back to the well for a pass rusher at pick 28.

12. Denver Broncos: WR Jeremy Maclin

We know Josh McDaniels is unafraid of stirring things up, despite being a rookie head coach. Now he does something his predecessor never could do: get under Al Davis’ skin.

13. Washington Redskins: OLB Clay Matthews

Insert Daniel Snyder joke/observation here.

14. New Orleans Saints: OT Eugene Monroe

Can’t pass on Monroe if he falls this far. Add to strength is the prevailing wisdom for the Saints in this draft.

15. Houston Texans: RB Donald Brown

Ahman Green hasn’t been capable of splitting (let alone carrying) a load since the mid-80s. Get Steve Slaton some help.

16. San Diego Chargers: OT Michael Oher

A down-the-road pick for a team with few needs, although Oher may push for a starting spot.

17.  New York Jets: DE Robert Ayers

Like the bizarro-Saints, the Jets continue to stockpile spells for the wizardry of Rex Ryan.

18. Chicago Bears: S Louis Delmas

Da Bears break the hearts of Cowboys fans with a major reach here. But it certainly is a need for this once-great defense.

19. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: DE Aaron Maybin

Lose a mainstay at linebacker, gain a mainstay at defensive end. At least that’s what the Bucs hope.

20. Detroit Lions: WR Hakeem Nicks

Turns out the Lions loved Roy Williams more than they let on. So they draft his clone (plus or minus a few cheeseburgers).

21. Philadelphia Eagles: CB Vontae Davis

Last season proved that having three top-flight corners is no problem for the Birds. All those crying out for Beanie Wells, I have three words: 1999 NFL Draft. (Which can be condensed to two other words: Shut up.)

22. Minnesota Vikings: OT Eben Britton

When your quarterback is Sage Rosenfels/Tavaris Jackson (or, really, Sage Rosenfels/Anyone) and your top receiver is Bernard Berrian, it’s time to give up on the passing game. Vikes pick a road-grater to take Visanthe Shiancoe’s place and run the ball 45 times a game.

23. New England Patriots: WR Percy Harvin

Similar concept to above, except swap the run and pass games. Also, for the record, all character issues disappear in the magical Foxboro air.

24. Atlanta Falcons: OT Andre Smith

Steal of the draft?

25. Miami Dolphins: DE Brian Orakpo

Bill Parcells needs a new diaper when he sees Orakpo on the board at 25.

26. Baltimore Ravens; QB Mark Sanchez

You thought the Wildcat revolutionized NFL offenses last year? Wait until you see the Ravens’ version of the A-11.

27. Indianapolis Colts: ILB Rey Maualuga

Quick, and no cheating: Name a Colts inside linebacker.

28. Buffalo Bills: DT Peria Jerry

Now the Bills don’t have to wait for John McCargo to pass a physical to seal the deal on a trade. They can just cut him.

29. New York Giants: OLB Aaron Curry

Steal of the draft?

30. Tennessee Titans: RB Chris Wells

Look for Lendale White in a Cleveland Browns uniform next season. NFC East members rejoice as Braylon Edwards heads south.

31. Arizona Cardinals: OT Jason Smith

Steal of the draft.

32. Pittsburgh Steelers: DT B.J. Raji

Casey Hampton won’t be around for ever, and the Stillers feel like Big Ben’s not worth a respectable offensive line.

Let’s see if I know Jack about mock drafts

I do not follow college football that much, nor much of the draft hype for that matter, but I of course will be watching Saturday as it is football and the unofficial start of the NFL, which we all love as sports fans. There is little drama with the No. 1 pick this year, but the draft status of Mark Sanchez is interesting and entertaining. He’s the undisputed No. 2 highest-rated QB in the draft, but all the “experts” are befuddled as to where he may go, as high as four to as low as 12.

As a part of a friendly competition among writers at Taking Back Sports for Draft Guru status, I am submitting my mock draft for everyone to see. Feel free to mock (pun intended) my picks, call me a moron, or whatnot below. I am not an expert, just a fan like you, who is trying to have a little fun with this. Fresh off of my success in calling the Madden Cover (well half-success, but I had the other half as a Contender), maybe I can ride the wave of success in making some interesting mock draft picks that challenge all the “experts” out there.

A somewhat unique approach I’ve taken, I’ve marked certain draft positions with “**” where I think we might see trade activity Saturday afternoon.

1. Matthew Stafford- QB- Detroit Lions

All reports indicate he should be signed by draft day, and this team has some serious rebuilding to do after winning zero games last year. QBs are who you build teams around.

2. Jason Smith- OT- St. Louis Rams

With the top-rated QB off the board, look for the Rams to make the safest pick possible here by taking one of the highest-rated offensive lineman in this year’s draft and address the hole left by the departed Orlando Pace. With Ravens cast-off Kyle Boller on the depth chart behind Bulger, I don’t see the Rams moving back and hoping Mark Sanchez is still in the Green Room.

3. Aaron Curry- LB- Kansas City Chiefs

Only the lowly Lions’ defense was more dreadful last season, and being mentioned in the same sentence as the 2008 Lions is a bad thing. New head man Todd Haley inherits an O-Line that allowed the 12th-most sacks last year and comes from the O-Coordinator job in Arizona, but he’s got Matt Cassel to build the offense around. Time to address the defense.

4. Eugene Monroe- OT-Seattle Seahawks

Here’s where the draft starts to get interesting. Matt Hasselbeck should return healthy this year, and Seneca Wallace and Charlie Frye return to back him up. No reason for Seattle to reach with the No. 4 pick on Mark Sanchez. Rather, with viable receiving weapons Deion Branch, Nate Burleson and T.J. Houshmandzedeh on the team and a strong D when its healthy, look for the Seahawks to upgrade an O-Line that surrendered 36 sacks last season.

5. Tyson Jackson-DE-Cleveland Browns

The big question here is whether Braylon Edwards be gone by the time the Browns are on the clock and, if so, would Cleveland believe his replacement should be the top draft priority. Josh Cribbs, an impressive young speedster, is still behind Edwards, along with veterans Joe Jurevicius and Donte’ Stallworth (for now, although jail time is possible for his DUI case). Regardless, Cleveland’s defense is its biggest problem as I see it. The squad ranked 26th overall last year, 30th in sacks, and surrendered an astronomical 151.9 rushing ypg. The Army could’ve driven a tank through the Browns’ D-Line last year and not run over anyone, and my 79-year-old grandma would’ve had time in the pocket against the Browns to find someone open. Look for Cleveland to address these issues early.

6. Andre Smith-OT-Cincinnati Bengals

Poor Carson Palmer suffered through some serious brutality last season, getting sacked 11 times in only four games before he had to hang it up early last year. His understudies combined to go down another 40 times throughout the season. See a pattern? The Bungles’ O-Line stinks. Only the 49ers and Lions allowed more total sacks, and you read what I wrote before about being mentioned in the same sentence as the Lions. For heaven’s sake, get Carson some protection with the best lineman left on the board. He’s got enough weapons, he just needs some protection so maybe he can stay healthy a full season.

7. Michael Crabtree-WR-Oakland Raiders

Ah the Raiders. Good enough for me last year because they were able to beat the Bucs, allowing the Eagles to crush Dallas and earn a playoff berth, but certainly not good enough for Al Davis and the Raider Nation. There is hope in the East Bay though, thanks to a strong corps of running backs in Darren McFadden and Michael Bush. The Raiders also have a young defense that, while ranked only 27th, really played well overall, especially at the end of the season, considering its offense was almost dead-last in time of possession. With the top three offensive linemen off the board here, take advantage of Crabtree slipping and get JaMarcus Russell/Jeff Garcia a legit deep weapon to throw to.

8. **Brain Orakpo-DE-Jacksonville Jaguars**

The Jags defense was in the middle of the pack last year, but it is very young and should improve. On offense, the Jags could benefit from another WR and another lineman to go with newly signed Tra Thomas. Quarterback is a potential issue, but the Jags signed undrafted rookie Paul Smith last year as their third option. With Smith on the roster, I think the Jags are likely to address the D, specifically the 20th-ranked sack effort last season, rather than go for Sanchez if they in fact pick at No. 8. You heard from “Jack” first: The Jags’ No. 8 pick is an obvious trade target, with no glaring holes in need of immediate attention and Sanchez likely to go somewhere between the eighth and 12th picks.

9. B.J. Raji-DT-Green Bay Packers

The Pack needs the most help on defense and is pretty set on offense with Aaron Rodgers at QB, Ryany Grant at RB, and a solid corps of receivers that includes Donald Driver, Greg Jennings and a bunch of other young guys. Green Bay’s best option here is to address the defensive line, which was M.I.A. much of last season, ranking 26th in rushing ypg allowed. Raji is the best interior D-lineman on the board.

10. **Michael Oher-OT-San Francisco 49ers**

This team rallied behind the tough love of Mike Singletary to finish 7-9. Alex Smith is approaching bust status, and backup Shaun Hill performed strong down the stretch, going 5-3 as the starter to end the season. He had a QB rating greater than 90 in six of the nine games he played. The Niners’ biggest problem is in the trenches. No team, not even the Lions, allowed more sacks last season than the 49ers. The defense was slightly below average, but came together late. Shaun Hill is only 29 and hasn’t taken much punishment in his NFL career as primarily a backup player. If Hill is Singletary’s man, he can last for a while and buy the Niners time on drafting a QB. Look for the Niners to address that dreadful O-Line early, but they are a potential trade target with the top three offensive lineman already off the board and Oher likely to be available five to eight picks later. At the No. 10 pick, plenty of teams behind Frisco are jockeying for position to land the still-available Mark Sanchez.

11. Aaron Maybin-DE-Buffalo

With newly acquired T.O., Buffalo doesn’t have an immediate need at WR. The O-line was average in both the pass- and run-blocking departments last year, and the Bills defense was also an average 14th in the NFL. As one might expect based on these figures, the Bills finished about average: 7-9. With plenty of weapons for Trent Edwards and a serviceable O-Line, the next step for the Bills is to upgrade the defense. Defense still wins championships in this league, and the offensive combo of Edwards-Lynch-Owens alone will not move the Bills out of the AFC East basement.

12. Robert Ayers-DE-Denver Broncos

This defense stunk last year, period. Only the Chiefs and Lions defenses were worse (Seattle gets a pass in my book, due to injury; neither of the other teams here does). Kyle Orton is an obvious downgrade from Jay Cutler, but he’s shown signs recently that he can be an NFL quarterback. If the Broncos want to win the AFC West crown, they better address the defense at No. 12. Mark Sanchez is not the solution to the Broncos’ problem. With three quality QBs in their division (Philip Rivers, Cassel, and Garcia), Denver better address its lack of a pass rush.

13. **Jeremy Maclin-WR-Washington Redskins**

Dan Snyder has been in the news again, reportedly interested in Mark Sanchez. I still have him on my board, but Jason Campbell isn’t a slouch. I think Sanchez would ultimately be an upgrade for the ‘Skins, but they’ve got a big problem that I think will keep them from taking Sanchez: Their next pick isn’t until the middle of the third round. That said, I ultimately look for the ‘Skins to draft a player that can help them immediately in the tough NFC East: Jeremy Maclin. With T.O. and Plaxico Burress out of the picture, Maclin, along with Antwan Randle-El, Malcolm Kelly and Devin Thomas, could combine to give the ‘Skins the most dangerous WR corps in the division. However, this would create a glut of WRs on the depth chart and only an average QB to find them, and we are dealing with Dan Snyder here. He’s capable of anything, so I’ll mark pick No. 13 as potentially being traded.

14. Malcolm Jenkins-CB-New Orleans

The Saints were the Aints on defense last season. Their air assault was tops, but the running game struggled, ranking 28th. There are plenty of RBs on the depth chart, though, so I don’t think the Saints need to draft one. Fixing the defense needs to be the top priority, especially in a division that suddenly is among the toughest in the league and can put up points faster than Dan Snyder can spend money.

15. Brian Cushing-LB-Houston Texans

To the surprise of many, the Texans were third-best in the league at moving the ball last season. But only 22nd-best at stopping other teams from moving it. This defense is in need of a quality, beefy LB in the middle to complement the suddenly awesome Mario Williams on the line. At 6-foot-3, 255 pounds, Cushing fits the bill.

16. **Rey Maualuga-LB-San Diego Chargers**

Living in San Diego and watching the Chargers play the past few seasons, this one is obvious. The Bolts’ secondary is as dreadful as Qualcomm Stadium. Besides Antonio Cromartie, their DBs are as bad as their front seven is good. This team is in dire need of a DB, but at No. 16, it would be a reach to take one this year. Rather, the Chargers are more likely to address the LB position, which is suddenly a concern with Shawne Merriman coming off ACL surgery. I personally think their best move may be to trade back for value with no top DBs outside of Jenkins projected to go in Round 1.

17. **Mark Sanchez-QB-Jet**

I’ll admit it’s a Stretch Armstrong-level reach to have Sanchez the third Trojan drafted, but that’s how I see it without projecting specific trades that may happen (I thoroughly expect a trade involving Mark Sanchez to occur, and I have the Jets as a prime suspect). This would be a perfect fit for the Jets, who just lost Brett Favre to retirement (he did retire, right?). Sure, the Jets have second-year QBs Eric Ainge and Brett Ratliff on the roster, but they’d be drooling at this opportunity, if that’s how things play out. However, the subject of recent draft trade talks, the Jets may very well end up with Sanchez, but via a much higher pick than #17.

18. Josh Freeman-QB-Denver Broncos

The Broncos’ second pick in the round is a tough one for me. They still have work to do on a horrible defense, but Orton and Chris Simms are suspect at QB. Josh Freeman is rapidly gaining popularity and has a quality arm and good legs. First year head coach Josh McDaniels already passed on Sanchez on my projection, but might be inclined to take a QB here and take advantage of the opportunity to mold a young mind. If nothing else, this move would get the attention of Orton, as if he isn’t feeling enough pressure to fill the shoes of a top-five QB.

19. Darrius Heyward-Bey-WR-Tampa Bay Buccaneers

After an epic collapse of Denver Broncos-2008-version proportions and the departure of Jeff Garcia, this team has some work to do to remain competitive in the NFC South. The defense is still solid. I see the Bucs’ best option here as getting another playmaker for the offense to help out a mediocre QB group (Derrick Ward was a start).

20. Eben Britton-OT-Detroit Lions

They’ve addressed the QB position, but there are many more holes to fill. The D blows, but Ernie Sims may develop into a pretty good anchor on that side of the ball. Obviously there are many needs for an 0-16 team, but I think the best move for Detroit is to get some protection for high-money man Stafford. O-Line is the safest draft pick historically, and the Lions franchise is historically cheap, not to mention that the city is in shambles with the economy. The best way to get to fill the seats and make money for continued rebuilding is to develop an offense.

21. **Brandon Pettigrew-TE-Philadelphia Eagles**

All the pundits have Knowshon Moreno here, but I say not so fast. Historically, there is always great depth at running back and the Eagles are among the best at finding diamonds in the rough. I agree the Birds need another RB, but they can wait. TE is a much bigger need for them, with L.J. Smith departed. Celek broke out in the playoffs, but Andy Reid seems committed to running more this season (no, that’s not a typo), and Celek can’t block very well. Pettigrew is the best at his position in the draft and can do both. But this is the Eagles, and they are a prime suspect to move back, as they have the past two years, if they think they can get Pettigrew later. They may also trade this pick away for Anquan Boldin or Braylon Edwards, considering they have lots of cap space and 10 draft picks this year.

I’m tired and have already spent a lot of hours on this, trying to bring fans quality and entertaining analysis. As an Eagles fan, I have little interest in the remainder of the first after this pick, if the Eagles do in fact make a pick at No. 21. Thus, I only offer analysis for two-thirds of round one.

If a RB is not taken in the first 21 picks, Sanchez is on the board until No. 17 and I have correctly marked trade targets, I will likely have done enough to earn the title of Draft Guru at Taking Back Sports without picking 22-32.

Cheers, and happy unofficial start to the NFL!

WHAT IS A DIEHARD FOOTBALL FAN TO DO?!

Well, I could watch baseball…

Nah, the season is just getting under way. There will be plenty of time to watch baseball come the dog days.

How about the NBA or NHL playoffs?

Eh, no. I’ll think I’ll pass. I love basketball and hockey but the playoffs are just too long, especially since I lack an NBA team and the Avs are sitting at home, licking their wounds from the massive, league-wide beat down they took this season.

So if it’s too early for baseball and I have no rooting interest in the NBA/NHL postseason, how do I find a fix for the sports jones I currently possess?

I know! The NFL Draft is coming! The NFL Draft is coming!

Did you know the Draft is coming? I didn’t know the Draft was coming!

(Insert sarcasm here.)

In case you didn’t know (say you’ve been under a rock with no ESPN access since the Super Bowl), the National Football League will hold its player selection draft on April 25th and 26th at Radio City Music Hall in New York City. Consisting of seven rounds and over 250 total selections, the Draft is the NFL fan’s mini-binge of football gluttony, located smack dab in the middle of the football hiatus known as the offseason.

If you aren’t familiar with the NFL Draft (which is a downright shame if you’re reading a sports site), let me break it down for you as easy as I can:

The draft is the annual event where the league’s 32 teams are given a number of draft picks over seven rounds to select players, much like the military might through its conscription policy (though without the protests…most of the time). Draft order is selected based on the previous season’s record or playoff finish, with the league’s worst team picking first and the Super Bowl champion picking last.

Each team starts with seven picks (not counting trades and league infractions) and extra selections, known as compensatory picks, can be given to teams based on losses in free agency. Teams will then use these picks to draft former college players based on team need or overall player value.

At least this is how it’s supposed to happen.

For every great draft selection, there are dozens upon dozens of horrendous picks. I say Edgerrin James, you say Curtis Enis. You say Larry Fitzgerald, I say Charles Rogers. I mention Tom Brady and you could throw out Joey Harrington or David Klingler or Alex Smith or Tim Couch or… you get the picture.

The NFL draft is football’s version of Russian roulette, only there is one blank chamber (representing success) and five filled chambers (representing failure).

It’s a loose representation (and incredibly morbid), but I’m going to run with it anyway.

The point I’m trying to make is that, while the thought process behind the draft is filled with good intentions, teams are going to miss more than they are going to hit. For every great pick you make, there is a potential to make four or five average-to-terrible picks. All-Pros and Super Bowl MVPs are hard to come by. First-round busts and those who fail to live up to their potential are the norm.

All in all, the NFL Draft is one of my favorite non-sporting sporting events of the calendar year, since no sport actually happens during the programming.

This year’s draft should be an interesting one, given the floundering economy and the league’s absurdly high rookie pay structure for top-level draft picks. Here are the contracts signed by the last four top overall draft picks:

• 2008: Jake Long – 5 years, $57 million deal ($30 million guaranteed)
• 2007: JaMarcus Russell – 6 years, $68 millon deal ($31.5 million guaranteed)
• 2006: Mario Williams – 6 years, $54 million deal ($26 million guaranteed)
• 2005: Alex Smith – 6 years, $49.5 million deal ($24 million guaranteed)

That comes out to an average of $57 million over 6 years with $28 million guaranteed. The team with the first overall selection will need to shell out that kind of money to someone who has never stepped on a field as a professional in one of the worst economic recessions in recent memory.

Once again, you see the importance of researching draft-eligible players and breaking them down in every way possible. From 40 times to intelligence tests, pro days to interviews, teams know every physical and psychological facet of the players they draft.

Well, that’s what they want you to think, anyway. They do the best they can with the resources allotted but at the end of the day, these players are just kids. All the money and talent in the world can’t make someone into a great football player.

With that said, let me offer a quick segment I like to call “Over/Under” with some of this year’s top college prospects. I am basing my call of “overvalued” or “undervalued” on whether or not a player will go too high or too low based on their overall talent and potential upside.

Matthew Stafford: QB – Georgia (Projected Overall #1 Pick): Overvalued

At this point in time, it’s hard for the number one pick to not be overvalued. Any team cursed with the top selection is going to have to pay too much money to get this pick into camp. I think Stafford has the tools to be a top-notch NFL QB, but he is going to struggle in the Lions organization. Sure, they’ve gotten rid of Matt Millen, but as long as William Clay Ford is still the owner of this franchise, they will continue to stink. Add on top of that the recent struggles in Detroit’s economy, and there is no way Stafford isn’t overvalued.

Aaron Curry: OLB – Wake Forest (No. 1-rated prospect): Undervalued

Curry should be the top overall pick. He is the best player in this draft (sorry, Michael Crabtree) and he is as close to a lock as you are going to get in terms of fulfilling potential. He is currently slated to go number three to the Kansas City Chiefs, which would go a long way to adding some much-needed talent to an underachieving Chiefs linebacker corps.

Jason Smith: OT – Baylor (No. 1-rated linemen): Undervalued

Sure, the offensive line isn’t a glamorous position. It’s not going to put fans in the seats and it’s not going to get people excited about the coming season. However, if you want to keep your quarterbacks upright and your running backs healthy, then it all starts on the offensive line. Smith is one of the highest-rated tackles to come out in the past five years and should make an immediate impact in the NFL. Like Joe Thomas and Jake Long, he will bring stability and tenacity to any offensive line.

Michael Crabtree: WR – Texas Tech (No. 1-rated WR): Overvalued

Sorry, I just don’t see it. Yea, he’s got the size and hands of a Larry Fitzgerald and maybe he has the game-changing ability. But the health problems bring a little concern for me and I’m not sure I can justify him going anywhere in the top five. If he goes lower than five, then he becomes undervalued. In terms of overall production, receivers just aren’t worth the money of a top-five pick. He’ll be a great talent in the NFL but a team like Jacksonville (eighth overall) or Washington (13th) would be a better fit than Cleveland (fifth).

Regardless of where these four (and the other 252 players) go, the 2009 NFL Draft should be one for the ages.

Now if we could only figure out how Mel Kiper Jr. keeps his hair looking like that…