Draft Darrius Heyward-Bey? Excellent Smithers. Excellent. (Joseph Coleman -- Taking Back Sports)

“As bad as we are right now, at least we’re not __________.”

In the 80s up until about 1995, that statement applied to the Tampa Bay Creamsicles (Buccaneers). From ’96 until … basically now, that statement applied to the Detroit Lions.

With the exception of one random Super Bowl appearance, the new team has officially been anointed, as of the 2009 NFL Draft.

“As bad as we are right now, at least we’re not … The Oakland Raiders.”

I feel sorry for Raiders fans in the same way I feel bad about the guy that has to hook up with the fat girl “bodyguarding” her hot friend while his boy makes out with the hottie. The part of the fat girl in this scenario will be played by Al “Montgomery Burns” Davis. Look at Al Davis, and look at C. Montgomery Burns, and I DARE YOU not to chuckle at the resemblance.

“Burnsie” has been QUOTED as saying he will not go away until the Raiders win two more Super Bowls or he dies of natural causes. If you’re a betting man, bet your mortgage, your kid’s college tuition, etc, on the latter of those happening.

I watched the draft in my apartment, and saw Mark Sanchez go to the Jets (remember to thank Erik Mangini, by the way, Jets fans). When that happened, I began to think that maybe something was going to be special. I’m not a Raiders fan by ANY STRETCH OF THE IMAGINATION, but I kinda got a feeling they might actually do something that makes sense.

I saw “Big Roge” (that’s what the commish, Roger Goodell, wants me to call him in my articles) walk up to the stage with the Raiders’ pick, and I was actually anxious. I have come to know a few Raiders fans in my five years here in San Diego, so I was excited for them. Michael Crabtree, anyone? And then it happened …

“With the eighth pick in the 2009 NFL Draft, the Oakland Raiders select … Darrius Hayward-Bey, wide receiver, University of Maryland.”

Immediately, I wondered if Goddell took this pick to the Oakland Raiders war room and go: “Guys? Are you sure about this? Do you need some more time? I’ll give you some more time.”

Literally five seconds later, I got a phone call from my friend Glenn, a dedicated member of Raider Nation, and then proceeded to talk him down from jumping out of a window. After I soothed him like Samuel L. Jackson in “The Negotiator,” Glenn wondered why Heyward-Bey was chosen over Crabtree. I explained carefully that if John Clayton couldn’t figure this out, what makes you think I can make sense of it?

I can tell you who I would have picked, though. I hope Burnsie is reading this. I’m nominating myself to be the next general manager of the Oakland Raiders. (This statement could cause me to lose a lot of friends who are Chargers/Broncos/Chiefs fans, but I gotta do something about this). If Burnsie is reading this and likes what he reads, feel free to contact me.

First, Let’s just analyze the situation. The Raiders have an offense that is loaded with talent at most of the key positions (i.e. quarterback and tailback). They don’t necessarily have the receiving talent, but that isn’t the pressing need in my opinion in the first round. Here’s what would have been said if Adio Royster, General Manager of the Oakland Raiders, made the pick:

“With the eighth pick in the 2009 NFL Draft, the Oakland Raiders select … Eugene Monroe, tackle from the University of Virginia.”

Before the pick, I can imagine the conversation with Burnsie going something like this:

ME: I’m drafting Eugene Monroe with the eighth pick.

BURNSIE: Does he have good hands?

ME: Absolutely. He’ll move those defensive linemen around and help everyone else make plays.

BURNSIE: I meant can he catch the ball?

ME: (with a confused look) Dude. I’m drafting an offensive tackle.

After explaining for about 5-10 minutes how games are won in the trenches, Burnsie kinda goes along with the pick after I promise a career season from JaMarcus Russell (which should be easy, considering his first few years of production).

The Raiders — my mistake, AL DAVIS — didn’t just screw up the first-round pick. He screwed up the ENTIRE DRAFT! In the second round, with two talented safeties, Michael Mitchell, a safety from Ohio was chosen. Um… what?! No.

This year’s draft had good little wide receiving nuggets all through it, so I’m willing to take a chance on a third-round receiver. I’m concentrated on rebuilding an offensive line that a 9-year-old Pop Warner kid can get three sacks against. Therefore, second-round pick: Max Unger, tackle, Oregon. Burnsie, I know I took back to back tackles, but understand something:

It’s impossible to put points on the board with the quarterback:

… on his back

… for the 800th time

… in the first quarter!

Listen, Burnsie. The object of the offensive line is to stop the defensive guys from tackling the offensive guys. I had to explain that as simple as possible. Monroe and Unger do that, and they can step right in and start.

Burnsie will eat your franchise's liver with a bottle of chianti (Joseph Coleman -- Taking Back Sports)

In the third round, I finally give in to Burnsie’s request and draft a wide receiver. Little does he know that I was planning to draft a wide out, anyway. Every so often, I’ll stroke his ego. Derrick Williams, Penn State wide receiver. Come on down and join the party. This is JaMarcus Russell. He will be throwing you the ball. Get used to it fast.

Fourth round is where I may pull a muscle by stretching for Michigan’s Terrance Taylor. He’s a defensive tackle that will put some extra depth and beef on the defensive line. Sometimes, Burnsie, you have to throw a dart and see if it hits. The difference between you and me is that a helpless Raider fan won’t get stabbed in the heart when I throw.

No fifth-round pick, which sucks because I’d be all for South Carolina’s Jasper Brinkley or Oklahoma’s Nic Harris. Fast forward to the sixth round, where Stryker Sulak, a defensive end from Iowa was selected. Sulak would be a great steal … if the Raiders ran a 3-4 defense. But Sulak is WAY undersized to be a 4-3 defensive end in the AFC West (teams with LaDainian Tomlinson, Larry Johnson and, as of right now, Knowshown Moreno). These teams are running, folks. Vance Walker, defensive tackle, Virginia Tech, have a seat, here’s a jersey.

As much as general managers and owners claim a draft is the most difficult part of the job, I just fixed the Raiders with half a draft. Two starters on the offensive line, a possible No. 2 wide receiver and depth on the defensive line. Raiders fans should read this, send it to Burnsie and demand that I take over as general manager of the Oakland Raiders.

The Phoenix has risen, and he’s covered in silver and black.

WHAT IS A DIEHARD FOOTBALL FAN TO DO?!

Well, I could watch baseball…

Nah, the season is just getting under way. There will be plenty of time to watch baseball come the dog days.

How about the NBA or NHL playoffs?

Eh, no. I’ll think I’ll pass. I love basketball and hockey but the playoffs are just too long, especially since I lack an NBA team and the Avs are sitting at home, licking their wounds from the massive, league-wide beat down they took this season.

So if it’s too early for baseball and I have no rooting interest in the NBA/NHL postseason, how do I find a fix for the sports jones I currently possess?

I know! The NFL Draft is coming! The NFL Draft is coming!

Did you know the Draft is coming? I didn’t know the Draft was coming!

(Insert sarcasm here.)

In case you didn’t know (say you’ve been under a rock with no ESPN access since the Super Bowl), the National Football League will hold its player selection draft on April 25th and 26th at Radio City Music Hall in New York City. Consisting of seven rounds and over 250 total selections, the Draft is the NFL fan’s mini-binge of football gluttony, located smack dab in the middle of the football hiatus known as the offseason.

If you aren’t familiar with the NFL Draft (which is a downright shame if you’re reading a sports site), let me break it down for you as easy as I can:

The draft is the annual event where the league’s 32 teams are given a number of draft picks over seven rounds to select players, much like the military might through its conscription policy (though without the protests…most of the time). Draft order is selected based on the previous season’s record or playoff finish, with the league’s worst team picking first and the Super Bowl champion picking last.

Each team starts with seven picks (not counting trades and league infractions) and extra selections, known as compensatory picks, can be given to teams based on losses in free agency. Teams will then use these picks to draft former college players based on team need or overall player value.

At least this is how it’s supposed to happen.

For every great draft selection, there are dozens upon dozens of horrendous picks. I say Edgerrin James, you say Curtis Enis. You say Larry Fitzgerald, I say Charles Rogers. I mention Tom Brady and you could throw out Joey Harrington or David Klingler or Alex Smith or Tim Couch or… you get the picture.

The NFL draft is football’s version of Russian roulette, only there is one blank chamber (representing success) and five filled chambers (representing failure).

It’s a loose representation (and incredibly morbid), but I’m going to run with it anyway.

The point I’m trying to make is that, while the thought process behind the draft is filled with good intentions, teams are going to miss more than they are going to hit. For every great pick you make, there is a potential to make four or five average-to-terrible picks. All-Pros and Super Bowl MVPs are hard to come by. First-round busts and those who fail to live up to their potential are the norm.

All in all, the NFL Draft is one of my favorite non-sporting sporting events of the calendar year, since no sport actually happens during the programming.

This year’s draft should be an interesting one, given the floundering economy and the league’s absurdly high rookie pay structure for top-level draft picks. Here are the contracts signed by the last four top overall draft picks:

• 2008: Jake Long – 5 years, $57 million deal ($30 million guaranteed)
• 2007: JaMarcus Russell – 6 years, $68 millon deal ($31.5 million guaranteed)
• 2006: Mario Williams – 6 years, $54 million deal ($26 million guaranteed)
• 2005: Alex Smith – 6 years, $49.5 million deal ($24 million guaranteed)

That comes out to an average of $57 million over 6 years with $28 million guaranteed. The team with the first overall selection will need to shell out that kind of money to someone who has never stepped on a field as a professional in one of the worst economic recessions in recent memory.

Once again, you see the importance of researching draft-eligible players and breaking them down in every way possible. From 40 times to intelligence tests, pro days to interviews, teams know every physical and psychological facet of the players they draft.

Well, that’s what they want you to think, anyway. They do the best they can with the resources allotted but at the end of the day, these players are just kids. All the money and talent in the world can’t make someone into a great football player.

With that said, let me offer a quick segment I like to call “Over/Under” with some of this year’s top college prospects. I am basing my call of “overvalued” or “undervalued” on whether or not a player will go too high or too low based on their overall talent and potential upside.

Matthew Stafford: QB – Georgia (Projected Overall #1 Pick): Overvalued

At this point in time, it’s hard for the number one pick to not be overvalued. Any team cursed with the top selection is going to have to pay too much money to get this pick into camp. I think Stafford has the tools to be a top-notch NFL QB, but he is going to struggle in the Lions organization. Sure, they’ve gotten rid of Matt Millen, but as long as William Clay Ford is still the owner of this franchise, they will continue to stink. Add on top of that the recent struggles in Detroit’s economy, and there is no way Stafford isn’t overvalued.

Aaron Curry: OLB – Wake Forest (No. 1-rated prospect): Undervalued

Curry should be the top overall pick. He is the best player in this draft (sorry, Michael Crabtree) and he is as close to a lock as you are going to get in terms of fulfilling potential. He is currently slated to go number three to the Kansas City Chiefs, which would go a long way to adding some much-needed talent to an underachieving Chiefs linebacker corps.

Jason Smith: OT – Baylor (No. 1-rated linemen): Undervalued

Sure, the offensive line isn’t a glamorous position. It’s not going to put fans in the seats and it’s not going to get people excited about the coming season. However, if you want to keep your quarterbacks upright and your running backs healthy, then it all starts on the offensive line. Smith is one of the highest-rated tackles to come out in the past five years and should make an immediate impact in the NFL. Like Joe Thomas and Jake Long, he will bring stability and tenacity to any offensive line.

Michael Crabtree: WR – Texas Tech (No. 1-rated WR): Overvalued

Sorry, I just don’t see it. Yea, he’s got the size and hands of a Larry Fitzgerald and maybe he has the game-changing ability. But the health problems bring a little concern for me and I’m not sure I can justify him going anywhere in the top five. If he goes lower than five, then he becomes undervalued. In terms of overall production, receivers just aren’t worth the money of a top-five pick. He’ll be a great talent in the NFL but a team like Jacksonville (eighth overall) or Washington (13th) would be a better fit than Cleveland (fifth).

Regardless of where these four (and the other 252 players) go, the 2009 NFL Draft should be one for the ages.

Now if we could only figure out how Mel Kiper Jr. keeps his hair looking like that…