Kevin O’Connor

Miami proved last week that it can stop the opposing team’s passing attack at home. Their aggressive 3-4 defense (is there a passive 3-4 defense?!) should give Jay Cutler a beating on the national stage. Remember that Cutler threw 5 picks in his Thursday Night appearance last year in San Francisco. Give me the Wildcat over the Wild Scientist (Mike Martz) in this one…

My pick: MIAMI (-1.5) over Chicago

Adio Royster

First of all, can I just say how much I HATE this game.  I hate that Jay Cutler could potentially throw 5 or 6 INTs.  I hate that Miami is starting Tyler Thigpen.  I hate the fact this has all the makings of a 6-3 final score because of the two defenses.  It’s just bad all the way around.  Geez.  I guess if you put a gun to my head, I’ll take Chicago and pray that Jay Cutler is, at least, okay.

My pick: Chicago (+1.5) over MIAMI

Jason Branch

The NFL picked a perfect game to hide away on Thursday night. Miami is starting a 3rd string QB, and the Bears are starting a QB who has looked like a 3rd stringer several times this year. This game has the makings of low-scoring snorefest, which typically means lots of offense. That said, I’ll take the team that at least has its starting QB healthy, even if he’s not that good.

Jack Sez: Chicago (+1.5) over MIAMI

Attiba Royster

There is nothing to like about this game. The offenses are equally bad and the defenses are equally good. What does that leave? Special teams. Chicago is better there so Chicago wins.

My pick: Chicago (+1.5) over MIAMI

Margarita Mondays + Monday Night Football with my buddies = Margarita Bowl and a Running Diary!

- I’ve just filed into the Landmark in Glassboro, New Jersey with my buddies Nick and Vinnie.  After grabbing our first $2 margarita, we’ve decided to set a few ground rules for a drinking game between Vinnie and me.

One sip of our margaritas:

• Wildcat plays
• Manning face
• Dwight Freeney sacks
• Joey Porter sacks.

Chug the rest of our margaritas:

• Wildcat touchdowns
• Reggie Wayne touchdowns
• Defensive touchdowns
• Special teams touchdowns.

I’m not sure about the game itself, but this drinking game has all the makings of an entertaining (and drunk) evening.  Even Michael Scott would agree that this is a win/win situation.

- Gotta love the Monday Night Football theme from Hank Williams.  It’s so much better than NBC’s version with Faith Hill (although, wow does she look hot).  Of course, isn’t it a little over the top how the team helmets travel through space to arrive at the football stadium?

First quarter:

- I’m waffling like Brett Favre on this whole baseball infield on the football field thing.  Part of me likes it for its vintage, old-school style, and the other part is thinking that with the billions of dollars spent on pro football, why can’t we find a way to have the whole field be just grass?  Right now, I’m pro-baseball infield.  Oh wait, scratch that.  I don’t like it.  Well, I guess maybe I’m okay with it.  (See how annoying this is, Brett?)

- Wow, first play from scrimmage and we have an 80-yard touchdown pass to Dallas Clark.  It doesn’t look like the Colts miss Anthony Gonzalez right now (at least not like fantasy football owners do).

- Second wow after the Clark TD:  We have a Tiger Woods sighting on the Colts sideline, and he’s giving out high-fives to the Colts and his marketing rival, Peyton Manning!

- (12:42) We have our first Wildcat formation. (Sip…)

- (12:00) Wildcat No. 2! (Sip…) Maybe this whole drinking game was a poor decision because Miami might run a lot of these plays.

- I’m liking the teal jerseys look for the Dolphins, but Nick (a big Miami fan) thinks that their orange jerseys are the best.  I couldn’t agree more.  In fact, I think it would be really cool if they had orange facemasks when they bring out the orange jerseys.  On a related note, I could talk uniform styles all day.  Maybe one day I can host a style show about sports jersey fashions, but you know, without the whole having to be gay part.  That may, however, completely discredit my opinions on fashion.  (Moving on, before I get picketed outside my house by gay rights activists…)

- (8:42) Wildcat touchdown for Ronnie Brown! (CHUG!)  Wait a second, the replay makes it look like Brown didn’t break the plane.  Vinnie just exhaled because he just finished his first margarita and was going to have to chug a brand new one.  Never mind, the Colts didn’t challenge and it’s time to drink up!

(Note to self: Frozen margaritas should not be chugged.  Ouch!  Brain freeze… I’ll be back soon.)

- My friend Bob stopped by the bar for a few before his indoor flag football game.  He — like many fantasy owners — is pissed at Matt Forte.  Forte had 13 rushes for 29 yards and a fumble Sunday against the Steelers, so it’s safe to say that he is not the “forte” of Bob’s fantasy team.  (P.S.  — All writers love puns!)

- The Indianapolis defense was just announced about 10 minutes into the first quarter, and of course Bob Sanders isn’t playing.  Does this guy ever play, and what does he do in the offseason?  Bob’s response: “He spends it in surgery.”

- (3:00) Wildcat No. 4. (Sip.)

- (2:30) We have a Pat White sighting, but it’s a spread option play.  Should it count as a Wildcat play?  The integrity of this drinking contest depends on answers to questions like these!

At the end of one quarter of play, Miami and Indy are tied, 7-7.

MARGARITA BOWL

Vinnie   2
Kevin      1

Second quarter:

- “F” My Fantasy Life — Week 2: I forgot to bench Donovan McNabb and his broken rib in favor of Matt Schaub and his four TD passes.  Now, all I need is about 40 points from Ronnie Brown, and I might be able to overcome my incomparable fantasy football stupidity.

- During the commercials between quarters, we started recanting stories from our Saturday night spent at the bar when Bob brought up some girl he’d been talking to.  He thought she was pretty but was put off by how much she was into Halloween costumes.  What gives?  My girlfriend loves Halloween costumes too and talks about them from like March on.  My best explanation:  Women think of fun in the same way I did when I was 6 years old.

- ESPN just brought up a graphic on Marvin Harrison.  We’re all convinced that he’s the real-life version of Kingpin from Dare Devil.  He may have tried to have several people killed in North Philadelphia — a neighborhood he’s all but bought up (and it’s not exactly a place that someone looking to avoid trouble lives).  The dude could be a sociopath for all we know.  Think about it…

- Remember how Tennessee running backs LenDale White and Chris Johnson liked to call themselves “Smash and Dash” last year?  According to Bob, head coach Jeff Fisher says he has his own nickname for them: “Dumb and Dumber.”  (Haha.)

- The guys have also decided that they’d like to be either Degeneration X or the New World Order for Halloween.  I miss living in NJ.

(Yeah, just like we were making fun of girls earlier.  One could call us hypocrites, but that would just make us look stupid, so please don’t.)

- I just looked up at the Mets-Braves game on one of the other TVs in the bar, and it reminds me of a Bob Uecker quote from Major League II: “As for the game, it was a real nail-biter.  It was a lot closer than the 11-3 score.”  Guess those preseason picks that featured the New York Mets as the NL East Champions sure worked out.  P.S. — The Phillies’ magic number to clinch the division is six.  (Excellent, Smithers.  Excellent.)

- Bob has to leave for his football game.  I told him that I might need two touchdowns from him if I’m to win my fantasy indoor flag football game this week.  (Or is it indoor flag fantasy football league?  I can never tell.)

- (6:40) Wildcat No. 5 (Sip!)

- (5:50) Wildcat No. 6 (Sip!).  Big props to Miami for really going after this Wildcat formation because without it, I’d be sober right now…

- (5:00) Dwight Freeney sack!  (Sip.)  By the way, Chad Pennington is extremely immobile.

- (4:32) There’s been a Donald Brown sighting!

- (3:57) Manning scrambled out of the pocket and slid into second base for a 2-yard gain.  I swear that made sense when I wrote it down around Margarita number three.

- Why does everyone hate Ricky Williams?  He didn’t kill anyone with his car, he didn’t electrocute any dogs, and he didn’t even bad-mouth any of his teammates.  He just wants to smoke weed.  I FEEL LIKE I’M TAKING CRAZY PILLS… or taking bong hits.  Not that I would know how that feels…  Nothing to see here, folks.

- With the game tied, 10-10, at the two minute warning, we’ve decided to make this thing a little more interesting.  I’m having a hard time typing this up, so I’m just going to bullet point this:

• Two years ago, we got Vinnie to order a frozen strawberry margarita and our server made fun of him.  It was high comedy, believe me, when our female server offered to put an umbrella in the drink!  So we thought we should make a bet where the loser had to order a strawberry margarita.  We’d each pick a team and the person that was wrong would be stuck ordering the “unmanly” strawberry margarita.
• Vinnie and I drew straws to determine which team we’d be rooting for.
• Vinnie drew the small straw (followed by him cursing me out), so he was stuck rooting for the Dolphins and I had Indianapolis for the night.  I liked my chances.

- (0:50) Miami runs the ball on third-and-7 in field goal range, and Vinnie does not approve.  Of course the Dolphins don’t convert the first down and are forced to settle for three points.  This play call reminds me of another movie quote, this one from Willem Dafoe in Boondock Saints: “Cuddle?  What a fag…”  (Just substitute “Cuddle” for “Calling a running play on third-and-long.”)  Either way, I might go into halftime as the clubhouse leader for the frozen strawberry margarita.

- (0:08) Damnit!  Peyton was just picked down the left sideline.  But will we get a Manning face?  I may be losing the Margarita Bowl, but I can at least get to enjoy this drinking game, if only ESPN will give us a reaction shot from Peyton…  Why can’t we get a shot of Peyton?!  If I get stuck with this damn strawberry margarita then I better get an f-ing Manning face!!!

- We’re back from commercial, and WE’VE GOT A MANNING FACE!  You KNOW it!  (Sip…)

- Wow, the Manning interception was overtuned after an official review, and the Colts rallied for a field goal.  My manhood has hope.  (Vinnie did not approve of that call…)  Colts 13, Dolphins 13 at the half.

MARGARITA BOWL

Vinnie 4
Kevin 3

Third quarter:

- Even though the NFL action is paused for halftime, the bar action has more than made up for it.  In fact, a group of dudes just spontaneously erupted into Biz Marquee’s Just a Friend.  Weird but awesome.

- The third quarter just started with Miami receiving the kickoff and there are two more Wildcat snaps in the first three minutes!  (Sip.  Sip.)

- Vinnie just brought up a good point: Do Pat White’s shotgun spread snaps count as Wildcat snaps?  Vinnie and I think so, so we both drink one from earlier, bringing our Wildcat total to 10 for the game.  (Sip.  Sip.)

- Miami just lined up for a field goal but missed wide right!  But instead of shouting wide right, I merely looked at Vinnie and asked if he’d like an umbrella in his margarita.  We should do this all the time!

- (8:11) We have a Joey Porter sack!  (Sip.)  Speaking of Porter, he’s definitely the heart and soul of the Miami Dolphins, right?  This got the three of us thinking about heart/soul guys in the NFL, guys that seem to have their teammates fired up every time their name is called out.  Here are some initial nominees for the All-Heart & Soul Team: Porter, Ray Lewis, Brian Dawkins, Drew Brees, Adrian Peterson, and Larry Fitzgerald.  This sounds like a great future column…

- (5:05) Wildcat No. 11.  (Sip.)

- (4:26) Wildcat No. 12.  (Sip.)

- (1:39) Wildcat No. 13.  (Sip.)

- (0:14) Wildcat No. 14.  (Sip.)  I’m getting a little sick of margaritas right about now.  Vinnie concurs like Leonardo DiCaprio in Catch Me If You Can.

Colts 13
Dolphins 13

Vinnie 6
Kevin 5

Fourth quarter:

- (13:23) Brown just scored his second TD for Miami.  Miami now leads, 20-13, and I’m beginning to swell up like a blueberry and little people are circling me and singing Oompa Loompa, Doopa De Doo.  Not good!

- (12:25) Peyton to Clark for another huge gain.  Clark seems like he has to be on his way to a 200-yard receiving night.  Has a tight end ever had a 200-yard game?  This is one of those times that I wish I had the Elias Sports Bureau on my speed dial…

- I’m definitely hitting a wall with this Margarita Bowl.

- Donald Brown just tied the score with a tough rushing TD!!  The strawberry margarita is still up for grabs!  The Colts and ‘Phins are tied, 10-10!!!

- (8:03) Wildcat No. … who cares?!  I’m sick of this margarita shit.  (Sip.)

- (7:24) Wildcat again!  I’m having homicidal thoughts about whoever invited this infernal beverage.  (Sip.)

- (4:29) Sparano runs the ball again on third-and-long in field goal range!  Yeah, that’s the way to play against Peyton Manning — go for field goals.  Even though Miam took the lead, 23-20, I feel like I’m in the driver’s seat in the strawberry margarita sweepstakes.

- During the commercial break, the three of us began debating a topic that many men have had at bars:  How much of your manhood are you willing to sacrifice to have sex with a girl?  (As opposed to, say, your hand…)

Nick: “I’d pay for it.  We all know that every girl is a prostitute anyway — you have to buy them things and take them out.  No matter how you look at it, in the end you’re paying for sex.”

Vinne is stumped.  On a related note, he’s single.

- Two plays and two completions for Manning — the Colts are in business!  (Great call on third-and-long, Tony!  That was, as my dad would say, “an example of what not to do.”)

- Miami is blitzing, but Manning throws a quick wide receiver screen to Pierre Garcon (alumnus of Division III powerhouse Mount Union) and the young Frenchman (or at least French-sounding) follows two blocks and HE COULD GO ALL THE WAY FOR A 48-YARD TOUCHDOWN!!!  With 3:18 left in regulation, the Colts lead, 27-23, and the fat lady is getting Vinnie’s strawberry margarita ready.  “Kevin, you’re walking home,” says Vinnie.

- The game and our manhoods all rest on the weak shoulders of Chad Pennington.  Needless to say, I like my chances here.

- The Dolphins continue to cuddle and call two running plays to start their drive while also letting the clock tick down to the two-minute warning.  Look, I want Ronnie Brown to have a good fantasy football game too, but WTF is Miami thinking?  Again, I like my chances here…

- We’ve just had our second “Just a Friend” outburst from the toolbags at the bar.  One time was cool, but the second time has me thinking that maybe this song is the anthem for this group of guys.  My guess is that Vinnie won’t be the only heterosexual gentleman ordering a strawberry margarita tonight.  Wait, I better not jinx this… Let me rephrase:  It looks like neither of us will be the only heterosexual man ordering a strawberry margarita tonight.

- (0:50) Pennington just completed a 19-yard pass to get Miami within striking distance of the go-ahead touchdown, and we have Manning face No. 2!  (Sip.)

- Ted Ginn Jr. just dropped the go-ahead touchdown on a decent jump-ball pass from Pennington.  Each of our hearts just skipped a beat on this play.

- It’s all going to come down to a Hail Mary pass.  While Nick is hoping his team can make it to 1-1 on the season, the fate for Vinnie and me is about to be determined.  Which manhood will fail?!

- Indianapolis intercepts Pennington’s pass, and the Colts win, 27-23!  Let’s go to Vinnie for a postgame reaction.  “Bullshit!  Fuck Ted Ginn Jr.!”

Margarita Bowl

Vinnie 9*
Kevin 7

*Vinnie had to drink an extra strawberry margarita because he is a girl.

Hope you all had as much fun watching Monday Night Football in week two as I did!