Bob Swerski (George Wendt a.k.a. Norm from Cheers): “Thank you everyone for coming out today. I’m Bob Swerski, filling in for my brother, Bill Swerski, who’s recovering from another heart attack. With me as always are the Super Fans: Pat Arnold…”

Pat (Mike Myers): “Hey Bob.”

Bob: “Carl Wollardsk…”

Carl (Robert Smigel): (Eating a chicken wing) “Hey Bob.”

Bob: “And Todd O’Connor…”

Todd (Chris Farley): “How are ya, Bob?”

Bob: “Good. So guys, what’s your prediction fer how many iiinterceptions Jay Cutler will throw the rest of the year?”

Pat: “I’m gonna hafta gooo ahead and say fifffy-fiiivve.”

Bob: “Wow, Pat, that sure would be a lot of picks.”

Pat: “This guy sure ain’t Diitka.”

Bob: “What are yer thoughts, Carl?”

Carl: “Cutler will throw 55 interceptions this season, but he will be held to under 100 touchdown passes.”

All: (Raising their beers) “Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa Bears!!!”

Todd: (Trouble breathing) “Oh gosh, looks like another heartattack!!”

(Todd pounds chest in a CPR-like motion, and now he’s good as new.)

Bob: “How many heeeart attacks is that for you now, Todd?”

Todd: “That’s makes a baker’s dozen for me.”

Carl: “Wow, I’ve only had six myself.”

Bob: “Well, that’s something to shoot for then, Caarrrl.”

(Big ups to (1) Wikipedia for their characters names, and (2) for old school SNL skits that were actually funny.)

I’m from the Philly area where any terrible loss is followed by calls to fire Andy Reid and trade Donovan McNabb. It happens like five times a year, and we’ve been to the playoffs eight out of ten years this decade. (Also, we’re the Buffalo Bills of the 2000s or Millenios as I like to call this decade). My guess, the monsters of the midway are upset with how the Cutler trade has worked out thus far.

So lets recap: Cutler (a quarterback who’s never won a playoff game — scratch that — he’s never even been in uniform for a playoff game in his career) got upset when new Denver head coach Josh McDaniels shopped him around (because he was interested in Matt Cassell, whom he mentored in New England). McDaniels tried to meet with him and calm him down, but it was to no avail. McDaniels shipped him off to Chicago for some picks and mountain man QB Kyle Orton. The critics hail the trade for the Bears (because of Cutler’s youthful talent) and condemn it for Denver (because of Orton’s obvious lack of talent).

Things sure haven’t turned out like anyone predicted.

Like their erratic signal-caller, the Bears have been up-and-down at 4-5. Cutler has passed for an impressive 2,353 yards and 14 touchdowns, but he leads the league with 17 interceptions. After last night, he’s had two games with at least four interceptions (he threw four picks in a week one overtime loss to the Green Bay Packers — he threw a pick-six to Al Harris to end the game). The Chicago savior is on a Favrian pace for (YIKES!) 30 interceptions this year.

Meanwhile, Orton’s steady hand has allowed Denver’s defense to propel the Broncos to an impressive 6-0 start. Even though they’ve lost two straight, the Broncos still lead the AFC West with a 6-2 record — one game better than the three-time defending division champs, the San Diego Chargers.

Orton’s numbers have been better than advertised. Before an ugly performance on Monday Night Football against the Pittsburgh Steelers (and well, how many QBs have done well against them?), Purdue alum had thrown nine touchdown passes against just one interception. Even after three picks in the Steelers game, Orton has thrown for 1,838 yards and has a respectable 88.2 quarterback rating (compared to Cutler’s 76 rating).

That’s the thing about life it seems. While we’re all busy making plans and predictions, life is silently laughing at us and making its own thing happen. In all likelihood, Cutler will probably not throw 30 interceptions (what are the odds that he has two more games with at least four picks?), and Denver’s AFC West lead will continue to evaporate like it did last year.

But that’s for life to decide, just ask Bears fans.

Jack Bauer of All Sports wrote an NFL preview, and Dr. SportsFan summarized the 2008 season to get everyone ready for the ‘09 season.

Everyone does their own thing when the NFL starts.  Personally, I believe it’s better to just view things as they happen.  I’m a reactionist — I think I’ll copyright that term, actually.  Things happen.  I write about it.  Plain and simple.  I’m not Miss Cleo, so why would I try to predict what happens?  (With all do respect to “Jack”).

With NFL Kickoff 2009 over and done with, there are some things fans are thinking, but don’t have the medium to say so.  There’s also some stuff out there fans may not be thinking about at all, but should be concerned with.

So, here it is, my inaugural NFL column for Taking Back Sports.

1. Mark Sanchez looked pretty ready to me …

Correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t USC head coach Pete Carroll swear by his belief that Mark Sanchez wasn’t NFL-ready?  I’m curious.  Hey, Pete, are you eating that crow with Tapitio sauce, or is ketchup good enough for you?  The rookie went 18 for 31 with 272 yards, a touchdown and an interception.

Sanchez’s only “oh crap” moment came in the third quarter, when he violated the No. 1 rule of quarterbacking.  Sanchez dropped back to pass, got flushed out of the pocket and rolled to his right.  He then threw the ball across his body to the other sideline.  The pass was completed, but Rex Ryan needs to tell Sanchez to select his “beating switch.”  YOU CAN’T DO THAT, MARK!  You got away with this time, but NEVER try that again because what you did is the EXCEPTION to the rule.

Aside from that little hiccup, Sanchez played with poise similar to another rookie quarterback who had a good first game last year.  Thankfully, both of these rookie quarterbacks had tailbacks who backed them up.  Michael Turner had a 200 yard game for first-year QB Matt Ryan, and Sanchez enjoyed handing off to Thomas Jones, who had two TDs.

2. Matthew Stafford will have a long, long … LOOONG rookie season …

I can’t really call Stafford’s debut memorable: 16 of 37, 205 yards, three picks.  Thankfully, he can only get better — unless we have a Ryan Leaf 2.0 situation on our hands.  Stafford was drafted into an impossible situation.  The Lions were the first team in NFL history to go 0-16, and when Daunte Culpepper got hurt, the Lions had no choice but to throw Stafford to the wolves.

Of course, a few corollaries can be made: Troy Aikman’s first game wasn’t that great, and Peyton Manning’s first start wasn’t all that great.  Forget all that.  Forget it right, now.  Judge Stafford on his own.  Sadly, his next games come against Minnesota, Washington, Chicago, Pittsburgh and Green Bay.  Welcome to the league, kid.  Get used to handing off to Kevin Smith if you don’t want to die within the first six weeks.

At least the Lions are at home next week against the Vikings.  Stafford will have the first-game jitters out of his system, and the home crowd should help him out a little.  You’ll be fine, young fella.  Get your lumps in.  All the great ones had to.

3. The Chicago Bears are no longer a contender in the NFC …

Next on the agenda for QB criticisms — Jay Cutler.  You whined like a Skywalker to get out of Denver.  Then you proved yourself to be as much of a threat as Obi-Wan Kenobi in the final lightsaber battle in Episode IV.

As many a Star Wars character has said in the history of the franchise: “I have a bad feeling about this.”

I can’t remember a QB in recent years who brought more good feeling to a town than Jay Cutler.  Bears fans rejoiced because they finally had a signal-caller that was as popular as Sid Luckman.  (For the record, I think it’s amazing how Bears fans clamor for the days of a guy from the 1940s when Jim McMahon won a Super Bowl in ‘85.  They just forget he exists).

But I digress …

Cutler’s first game as a member of Da Bears: 17 for 36, 277 yards, four INT.  You can spread the blame equally between Cutler, the Packers defense and the inexperience of the wide outs in Chicago.  The last INT was an absolute back-breaker.  Green Bay just got the lead off a beautiful TD pass from Aaron Rodgers to Greg Jennings.  Cutler came onto the field and threw an interception right into the waiting dreadlocks of Al Harris.  Cutler deserves some blame for that, but rookie receiver Johnny Knox stopped his route, giving Harris the inside play on the ball.

The bigger concern for Bears fans might just be Brian Urlacher’s right wrist which happens to be dislocated.  Urlacher sustained the injury in the third quarter, and that will be the last time he suits up this year.  In the ‘04-’05 season, Urlacher was injured for seven games, which eventually led to a 5-11 season.  Hunter Hillenmeyer, Urlacher’s replacement, looked completely lost, so he can’t be inspiring too much confidence in Chi-town.

If Chicago has to win games with offense this year, they have the perfect quarterback to do so — if he has his mind right, that is.  Cutler succeeded last year with the corpse of an NFL defense in Denver, so he has experience with this kind of thing, but if New Orleans is putting up 45 a game all year, Bears fans won’t sniff any part of a Super Bowl berth.

4. Normalcy has returned to the NFC West …

One team in the NFC West won 28-0, and another lost 20-16.  One team’s quarterback went 25 for 36 for 279 yds and three TDs, and the other quarterback was 26 for 44 for 288 yds, two INTs and a fumble.

Because the winning team was Seattle, and the good QB stats belonged to Matt Hasselbeck — who may or may not remind you of a balding uncle — yesterday was the first step in returning the NFC West to normal.

The NFC West isn’t the only thing back to normal.  Kurt Warner regressed back to his 2002 form: happy feet and turnovers galore.  How uncomfortable did he look against the 49ers?  Warner made the same mistakes rookies make in this league: they look at the pressure coming to them instead of the way to alleviate pressure (much like my epic search for TUMS last night after a kickoff weekend full of hot wings and Cajun food).

The Cardinals needed their opening game to shut the critics and doubters of the world (like myself) and build some momentum.  Instead, they laid a thousand-year-old egg against a team they mopped the floor with last year.  They also needed this game because with games coming up against Jacksonville, Indianapolis and Houston, it doesn’t get any easier.

The Seahawks won with authority yesterday.  They had to.  They had to send a message to Arizona, and the message was loud and clear:

“Your bird may look a little frightening on your helmets, but ours looks MUCH more pissed off.”

I reserve full and final judgement on this case until Oct. 15 at Qwest Field.  If Seattle wins that game, they get in Arizona’s head, and I will proclaim Seattle the 2009 NFC West Champions.  Until then, I’ll just settle for a Week 1 “I told you so.”

5. Will Eli Manning be all right without Plaxico Burress?  I think not …

The Giants began year one of living after the “Big Bang” against the Redskins, and Eli Manning actually looked pretty good without Plaxico Burress.  Manning completed passes to seven different receivers and went 20 for 29 with 256 yards, one TD and an INT.

However …

Depending on how much time Hakeem Nicks will miss, the receiving corps becomes a HUGE question mark once again, and the Giants are stuck with the same problem.  I said it in last year’s playoffs, and I’ll repeat myself: When Kevin Boss is your biggest threat at wide receiver, fear isn’t exactly the emotion I’m feeling if I’m a member of the opposing secondary.  It’s more like uncontrollable laughter.

“HA HA HA HA!  Seriously, we have to treat Steve Smith, Mario Manningham and Dominik Hixon as serious receiving threats.  I just can’t do it.”  (Unconfirmed account of what was said in the locker room of the Dallas Cowboys, who the Giants play next week.)

Need more proof about Plaxico and his importance to Eli vs. the NFC East?  In four years against NFC East opponents, Burress’ totals look like this: 24 games, 98 catches for 1,433 yards and 12 TDs.

In time, Manning could learn to live without him. But for now, the Giants need to reload some of their arsenal.

6. You know what, Terrell Owens was the problem in Dallas …

Let’s face it.  It is scientific fact that Owens has been a headache for about as long as he’s been in the league.

Ask Jeff Garcia.

Ask Donovan McNabb.

Ask Tony Romo.

Ask Trent Edwards (next year).

Yesterday marked the first year of the T.O.-free Cowboys, and as painful as this is to say (me being an Eagles fan), the Cowboys looked pretty good. Romo threw for a career high of 353 yards and hit six different receivers.  Romo’s best friend and personal mediator in the T.O. business Jason Witten led the way with five catches for 71 yards.

If you watched Romo against Tampa Bay, you’ll notice he looked a lot more confident in his throws, and he had more smiles on his face than looks of frustration (or sadness, depending on the situation).

What should worry Cowboys fans is the continuing mediocrity of Roy Williams.  Williams still looks like a work in progress in this offense.  He had 86 receiving yards and a touchdown, but 66 yards (and the TD) came on one play.  If Williams has more games like this, it could still be an interesting year — in the way Cowboys fans have known and not so much loved the last few seasons.

7. Someone better tell the AFC that the Ravens have an offense …

If Joe Flacco is making the “Year 2 Jump,” then his 307 yards and three TDs could be a message to the rest of the AFC that Baltimore can beat you with its offense or its defense.  Everyone has been used to the idea of a stubborn Ravens D combined with a QB that doesn’t lose the game.  (The Trent Dilfer year was absolute validation of that theory).

The Ravens have also been known to have a running back or two.  Jamal Lewis, Willis McGahee and this year Ray Rice.  Nineteen carries and 108 yards is a good start.  What the Ravens did against the Chiefs was a first.  Offensively, they had never had a 300+ yard passer and a 100+ yard rusher in the same game.

Hard to believe, huh?

It worries me a little bit that Brodie Croyle threw for two touchdowns, and Philip Rivers is the next quarterback this defense will face.  However, I don’t believe most teams will be able to move the ball against Baltimore like the Chiefs did on Sunday.

The Ravens aren’t going to win the AFC North, but they’re gonna make interesting.  It’s a new aerial attack in Baltimore led by someone whose name isn’t Ed Reed.

8. Tom Brady just put the NFL on notice …

For those of you who took part in the Brady vs. Cassel argument, I simply state the following:

39 of 53, 378 yds, two TDs

You heard me.  He put up those numbers in his first regular-season game returning from major knee surgery.

Yeah … (Bill Lumbergh voice)

He reached career high in completions and led back to back scoring drives to win the game for New England.

Does anything else need be said here?

Anything?

Ok, we’re good.  Moving on.

9. There are more things that warrant discussion …

But there are just too many that I chalk up to first-week-back jitters.  For example, the questionable performance from everyone’s 2009 AFC Champions, the San Diego Chargers.  They looked pretty average against the Raiders, a team they destroy perennially.  Does Richard Seymour really make that big of a difference?

Other things I chalk up to first-week luck.  Memo to fans of the 49ers and Broncos: It is NOT 1990, and neither of your teams are going to the Super Bowl.  Fans of both of these teams should enjoy their highs now because between Denver’s whole new offense and San Francisco’s lack of offensive talent (aside from Frank Gore) mean they’re not going too far.

More thoughts in the coming weeks.  Consider this the free sample.  After this one, I charge you your patience in waiting seven days.

Let’s recap.

Cutler was hurt that the Broncos — under new head coach Josh McDaniels — attempted to trade him when Matt Cassell hit the market. So now, in order to feel better, he’s asked them for a trade. Ironically, they’ve decided to comply with his trade demands.

“Jay is never going to play for that team again,” a source told ESPN.com’s Bill Williamson on Tuesday. “It is a trust issue. He could never trust McDaniels again. It’s over.”

You were right Lloyd Christmas, a whining baby is the most annoying sound in the world. I wasn’t aware, however, that 24-year-old men needed a pacifier.

There will be a lot teams that come a calling for Cutler’s magical right arm, but will they know — like a lot of new, first-time parents — exactly what they’re getting themselves into?