Step Aside, Al Davis, And Let The Phoenix Work

By Adio B. Royster
THE PHOENIX

Let’s face the facts. No matter how bad your NFL team is, you can always hang your hat on the following …

“As bad as we are right now, at least we’re not __________.”

In the 80s up until about 1995, that statement applied to the Tampa Bay Creamsicles (Buccaneers). From ’96 until … basically now, that statement applied to the Detroit Lions.

With the exception of one random Super Bowl appearance, the new team has officially been anointed, as of the 2009 NFL Draft.

“As bad as we are right now, at least we’re not … The Oakland Raiders.”

I feel sorry for Raiders fans in the same way I feel bad about the guy that has to hook up with the fat girl “bodyguarding” her hot friend while his boy makes out with the hottie. The part of the fat girl in this scenario will be played by Al “Montgomery Burns” Davis. Look at Al Davis, and look at C. Montgomery Burns, and I DARE YOU not to chuckle at the resemblance.

“Burnsie” has been QUOTED as saying he will not go away until the Raiders win two more Super Bowls or he dies of natural causes. If you’re a betting man, bet your mortgage, your kid’s college tuition, etc, on the latter of those happening.

I watched the draft in my apartment, and saw Mark Sanchez go to the Jets (remember to thank Erik Mangini, by the way, Jets fans). When that happened, I began to think that maybe something was going to be special. I’m not a Raiders fan by ANY STRETCH OF THE IMAGINATION, but I kinda got a feeling they might actually do something that makes sense.

I saw “Big Roge” (that’s what the commish, Roger Goodell, wants me to call him in my articles) walk up to the stage with the Raiders’ pick, and I was actually anxious. I have come to know a few Raiders fans in my five years here in San Diego, so I was excited for them. Michael Crabtree, anyone? And then it happened …

“With the eighth pick in the 2009 NFL Draft, the Oakland Raiders select … Darrius Hayward-Bey, wide receiver, University of Maryland.”

Immediately, I wondered if Goddell took this pick to the Oakland Raiders war room and go: “Guys? Are you sure about this? Do you need some more time? I’ll give you some more time.”

Literally five seconds later, I got a phone call from my friend Glenn, a dedicated member of Raider Nation, and then proceeded to talk him down from jumping out of a window. After I soothed him like Samuel L. Jackson in “The Negotiator,” Glenn wondered why Heyward-Bey was chosen over Crabtree. I explained carefully that if John Clayton couldn’t figure this out, what makes you think I can make sense of it?

I can tell you who I would have picked, though. I hope Burnsie is reading this. I’m nominating myself to be the next general manager of the Oakland Raiders. (This statement could cause me to lose a lot of friends who are Chargers/Broncos/Chiefs fans, but I gotta do something about this). If Burnsie is reading this and likes what he reads, feel free to contact me.

First, Let’s just analyze the situation. The Raiders have an offense that is loaded with talent at most of the key positions (i.e. quarterback and tailback). They don’t necessarily have the receiving talent, but that isn’t the pressing need in my opinion in the first round. Here’s what would have been said if Adio Royster, General Manager of the Oakland Raiders, made the pick:

“With the eighth pick in the 2009 NFL Draft, the Oakland Raiders select … Eugene Monroe, tackle from the University of Virginia.”

Before the pick, I can imagine the conversation with Burnsie going something like this:

ME: I’m drafting Eugene Monroe with the eighth pick.

BURNSIE: Does he have good hands?

ME: Absolutely. He’ll move those defensive linemen around and help everyone else make plays.

BURNSIE: I meant can he catch the ball?

ME: (with a confused look) Dude. I’m drafting an offensive tackle.

After explaining for about 5-10 minutes how games are won in the trenches, Burnsie kinda goes along with the pick after I promise a career season from JaMarcus Russell (which should be easy, considering his first few years of production).

The Raiders — my mistake, AL DAVIS — didn’t just screw up the first-round pick. He screwed up the ENTIRE DRAFT! In the second round, with two talented safeties, Michael Mitchell, a safety from Ohio was chosen. Um… what?! No.

This year’s draft had good little wide receiving nuggets all through it, so I’m willing to take a chance on a third-round receiver. I’m concentrated on rebuilding an offensive line that a 9-year-old Pop Warner kid can get three sacks against. Therefore, second-round pick: Max Unger, tackle, Oregon. Burnsie, I know I took back to back tackles, but understand something:

It’s impossible to put points on the board with the quarterback:

… on his back

… for the 800th time

… in the first quarter!

Listen, Burnsie. The object of the offensive line is to stop the defensive guys from tackling the offensive guys. I had to explain that as simple as possible. Monroe and Unger do that, and they can step right in and start.

In the third round, I finally give in to Burnsie’s request and draft a wide receiver. Little does he know that I was planning to draft a wide out, anyway. Every so often, I’ll stroke his ego. Derrick Williams, Penn State wide receiver. Come on down and join the party. This is JaMarcus Russell. He will be throwing you the ball. Get used to it fast.

Fourth round is where I may pull a muscle by stretching for Michigan’s Terrance Taylor. He’s a defensive tackle that will put some extra depth and beef on the defensive line. Sometimes, Burnsie, you have to throw a dart and see if it hits. The difference between you and me is that a helpless Raider fan won’t get stabbed in the heart when I throw.

No fifth-round pick, which sucks because I’d be all for South Carolina’s Jasper Brinkley or Oklahoma’s Nic Harris. Fast forward to the sixth round, where Stryker Sulak, a defensive end from Iowa was selected. Sulak would be a great steal … if the Raiders ran a 3-4 defense. But Sulak is WAY undersized to be a 4-3 defensive end in the AFC West (teams with LaDainian Tomlinson, Larry Johnson and, as of right now, Knowshown Moreno). These teams are running, folks. Vance Walker, defensive tackle, Virginia Tech, have a seat, here’s a jersey.

As much as general managers and owners claim a draft is the most difficult part of the job, I just fixed the Raiders with half a draft. Two starters on the offensive line, a possible No. 2 wide receiver and depth on the defensive line. Raiders fans should read this, send it to Burnsie and demand that I take over as general manager of the Oakland Raiders.

The Phoenix has risen, and he’s covered in silver and black.

Tags: Al Davis, Darrius Heyward-Bay, Michael Crabtree, NFL Draft, Oakland Raiders