NFL Week 5 Picks: Necessary Roughness Power Rankings

Hard to believe that a quarter of the NFL regular season is already in the books, so I figure now is as good a time as any to dust off the old power rankings column.

I’m not a big fan of subjective rankings, so I figured I’d approach this rankings column a bit differently. In a season in which no teams have really separated from the pack, I went with more of a tiered ranking system. And if that means I get to throw in some quotes from one of my favorite college football movies, Necessary Roughness, then so be it.

Never heard of Necessary Roughness? First, shame on you. If you like football movies about an over-matched underdog with a nice comedic subtext, then Necessary Roughness is for you. Brief synopsis: fictional Texas State, the defending national champion, was found to have committed virtually every NCAA violation known to man and as such are stripped of all their football scholarships. A old-school, by-the-book coach takes over and begins to rebuild the program with walk-ons. When they realize that Division I quarterbacks don’t just walk-on to teams, the assistant coach recruits an old high school legend named Paul Blake. Blake, now in his mid 30s, passed on the opportunity to play big time college football to work the farm when his father died. After that, I’ll bet you can put the pieces together.

So with that in mind, here are my quarter pole NFL power rankings told through Necessary Roughness quotes.

“Now, let’s analyze what’s been working for us. [Long pause] NOT A GOD DAMN THING!”

Really a matter of opinion here as any of these three teams — Carolina Panthers (32), Buffalo Bills (31), Detroit Lions (30) — are deserving of the coveted 32nd spot. Brownie points to the Lions for nearly winning in Week 1 on that atrocious review of Calvin Johnson’s game-winning touchdown grab and nearly coming back to defeat the Eagles in Week 2. Buffalo also gets higher (for lack of a better word) grades than Carolina for taking it to New England in Week 3. The Panthers just ab-so-lute-ly suck.

“Hey Armadillo Fans! This is Chuck Neiderman. The voice of the Fighting Armadillos! This season, your football team needs more than your support. So if any of you listeners can punt, pass, block or kick, then report to the gymnasium at 3 o’clock sharp for open football tryouts.”

The Oakland Raiders (29) could/should be 2-2 if Sebastian Janikowski could have kicked a chip-shot game-winner two weeks ago in Arizona. That’s okay though, because at least Bruce Gradkowski is a more established quarterback than any of the quarterbacks left on the Arizona Cardinals (28) roster. Kurt Warner and Matt Leinart are long gone, Derek Anderson has already been benched, and an undrafted rookie named Max Hall is now the Cardinals starting quarterback. Hope you enjoyed having a competitive football team the last two years, Cardinals fans, because the “Golden Era” of Arizona football is over.

Yeah, I know the Jacksonville Jaguars (27) beat the Colts at home, but been there done that. But when you lose 28-3 to the Eagles at home, you’re a bad team. Now can we please move this team already to Los Angeles so it can sell out some home games.

By the transitive property — the Rams beat the Redskins, the Redskins beat the Eagles, and the Eagles beat the Jaguars — St. Louis (26) is a better team than Jacksonville. As irrelevant as that information is, that’s the reason I ranked the Rams above the Jaguars.

Since we’re a quarter of the way through the 2010 season, preseason predictions can no longer outweigh on-the-field performance. The San Francisco 49ers (25) are only as good as their winless record. Even though they were the prohibitive division favorites and may well be the best winless team, the Niners are currently on pace for a 0-16 season. Amazingly, Alex Smith is not the one holding this team back.

Suzanne Carter: “You got in all five W’s; what, where, when, why and especially the who.”
Student: “As in who gives a shit!”

Ah yes, here are the teams of 2010 that appear to be on the fast track towards mediocrity. Pete Carroll’s Seattle Seahawks (24) are tied for first in the NFC West — where average becomes exceptional, the Cleveland Browns (23) lead the league in moral victories, and the Denver Broncos (22) aren’t sure if they’re good or bad.

Coach Gennero: “Wally, did you hire an Assistant Coach without telling me?”
Coach Rig: “No, I found a Quarterback without telling you.”
Coach Gennero: “Well, I hope he gets younger as he gets closer.”

Injuries and age have seemingly gutted this Minnesota Vikings (21) team after last year’s run to the NFC Championship Game. Brett Favre needs a tall receiver that can go get the ball. [Insert Randy Moss.] OK. Let’s see how this plays out.

Jarvis Edison: “How many timeouts do we have left?”
Paul Blake: “Three.”
Jarvis Edison: “Can we take ‘em all now”

Ladies and gentleman, Andy Reid in his 12th season as the head coach of the Philadelphia Eagles (20). Although they could be included with the next bunch, we have to give Big Red some credit for his being the WORST CLOCK-MANAGER IN NFL HISTORY.

“Linemen, you gotta give Blake at least four-god-damn-seconds to throw the ball.”

The Washington Redskins (19) have 8-8 written all over them. Without many talented skill position players, an undermanned offensive line, and McNabb’s penchant for severe inaccuracy, teams like the Rams can steal a game against this team. The good thing with McNabb is that there’s also a chance you might steal a game against a better opponent. (Yes, Redskins fans, I know all about how maddening your season is about to become.)

Maybe this is too low a ranking. Either way, I don’t think the Dallas Cowboys (18) will be holding up the Lombardi Trophy in New Texas Stadium come February. Not with that offensive line. Ditto for the Chicago Bears (17), whose “uh o-line” was embarrassed on Sunday Night Football by the resurgent New York Giants (16) defensive line. All of these teams have the potential for greatness in ‘10, but their offensive lines will likely keep each of them from achieving it.

“Wally call me crazy but I’ve got a funny feeling about tonight’s game. Maybe we’ve got a shot.”

You could argue for a higher or lower ranking here for both the Tampa Bay Buccaneers (15) and the Kansas City Chiefs (14), but until I see otherwise, these two teams deserve average rankings. Kudos to Raheem Morris for telling all the NFL experts where they can shove their preseason picks — this was not supposed to be an average team.

And we would be remiss for not crediting Scott Pioli, Todd Haley, Charlie Weis, and Romeo Crennel for quickly turning around the Chiefs, who are amazingly the NFL’s last remaining unbeaten team. If they reach 4-0, then I ranked them way too low.

“A 94-yard kickoff return for a touchdown could give the Colts a false sense of confidence going into the second minute of play.“

The Miami Dolphins (13) special team players are anything but special.

“I don’t wanna put any undue pressure on you guys, but Coach Gennero’s last words were, win or I’ll die.”

It’s shit or get off the pot time for these next three teams.

Let’s start with the Cincinnati Bengals (12). With such a stellar defense, all Marvin Lewis needs is a B game from Carson Palmer. The problem with that is that Palmer has been bringing his C-minus game for the past few seasons now. All he has to do is move the chains, avoid picks, and hand the damn ball off to Cedric Benson 30 times a game. Instead, with Terrell Owens and Chad Ochocinco split out wide, Palmer probably feels compelled to throw the ball around a bit. The pre-ACL injury Palmer would be chomping at the bit for this opportunity. Sadly, he was killed, and this newer, crappier Palmer model is masquerading as a franchise quarterback in his place.

The Tennessee Titans (11), meanwhile, have no business losing to a team like the Broncos if they’re to be one of the AFC’s elite. Problem with that logic is that Tennessee is only elite at annoying the hell out of opposing teams. Like I said last week, the Titans are a team of Matthew Barnaby’s and Tie Domi’s — instigators that thrive on getting under the other teams’ skin. Maybe the Predators should take a lesson or two from Jeff Fisher’s bunch.

What’s up with the San Diego Chargers (10)? Will the real San Diego Chargers please stand up. I repeat. Will the real San Diego Chargers please stand up. We’re going to have a problem here… because the Chargers apparently cannot win on the road. Maybe letting your star wide receiver and starting left tackle hold out instead of signing them to contracts during an uncapped year actually hurts your team. Just don’t ask San Diego general manager A.J. Smith, a.k.a. the Lord of No Rings as he’s known throughout the NFL. As you might imagine, Mr. Smith isn’t very popular in America’s Finest City.

Suzanne Carter: “We’re consenting adults.”
Dean Elias: “So were Bonnie and Clyde.”

With Tom Brady’s long locks and his relationship with Gisele taking most of the pub, the subpar New England Patriots (9) defense has been the team’s Achilles heel. As good as the Pats are on offense and special teams (wow, are they good on special teams), New England will probably be home early come January without a stellar defensive unit. I mean if Mark Sanchez, Ryan Fitzpatrick, and Chad Henne are slicing and dicing your secondary, just imagine what Peyton Manning, Ben Roethlisberger, and Matt Schaub can do to it.

“You’re hurt. You’re tired. You’re bleeding. But I’m gonna make you a promise. When we get into that endzone, you’re not gonna feel any pain.”

This classic pep talk from Paul Blake illustrates was a true leader at quarterback. Here are some other teams with quarterbacks capable of leading their teams to Super Bowl glory.

The Indianapolis Colts (8) always have trouble in Jacksonville, but that hasn’t prevented the Colts from winning 12 games each season since the end of George W. Bush’s first term in office. Still, something tells me that 12 wins are not in the cards this year. That’s because of the Houston Texans (7). The Texans survived the first four games without the reigning NFL Rookie of the Year in Brian Cushing. With him back in the fold, the Texans are an even more formidable opponent for the AFC South Championship.

Things are also looking up for the Atlanta Falcons (6). Still would have liked to have seen a more dominant victory over the reeling Niners, who had to travel cross-country and play an early game. Maybe it just goes to show you how close the 25th 6th ranked teams are in the NFL.

The New Orleans Saints (5) would be 4-0 right now if Garrett “Laces Out” Hartley made his gimme field goal in overtime two weeks ago against Atlanta — hence the higher ranking. Most concerning for Who Dat Nation is how ordinary the Saints have played. They just don’t look dominant and don’t have that Super Bowl feeling of the ‘09 team. As such the Green Bay Packers (4) are the best NFC team by default.

“I don’t feel so good. I think I swallowed a finger.”

The three favorites all reside in the AFC, and each has a nasty, menacing defense. That’s why I chose this wonderful line from Evander Holyfield, who had a small cameo as a member of the prison football team that beats the hell out of the Armadillos in the preseason.

The New York Jets (3) really pulled a rabbit out of their hat with the LaDainian Tomlinson signing as he clearly has something left in the tank. It brought back good memories to see old LT running wild up in Buffalo. If the Sanchize continues is steady play, and the defense gets healthy, then look out. New York gets special bonus points for carrying a significant swagger to each game. I don’t know about you, but I kind of like it when a team doesn’t mind being the villain.

The Baltimore Ravens (2) just picked a huge victory in Pittsburgh. Let’s not forget that this Ravens team has been deep in the playoffs in both of John Harbaugh’s first two seasons at the helm. If and when Joe Flacco truly comes of age, the Ravens are a serious Super Bowl contender. Hopefully that defense still has enough mojo left when he does come into his own. How ironic would it be if the Baltimore defense finally ran out of steam just as the team finally finds a passing game?

Peter King looks very smart right now for picking the Pittsburgh Steelers (1) to win the Super Bowl. Even with a tough loss to Baltimore, you really have to give props to this Steelers team for going 3-1 without Ben Roethlisberger and the other two quarterbacks that made the team out of training camp. When you’re winning games with a fourth stringer in Charlie Batch, you must have something special on defense. Troy Polamalu’s health is probably a bigger concern now than the health of Roethlisberger.

Week 5 Picks

My week 4 picks record (4-10). Home team in CAPS.

BALTIMORE (-7) over Denver

Are the Bronc’s fo’ rizzle?

Jacksonville (-1.5) over BUFFALO

Do they even have to play this game?

INDIANAPOLIS (-8) over Kansas City

Prove to me you’re elite, K.C.

CINCINNATI (-6.5) over Tampa Bay

Prove to me you’re good, T.B.

DETROIT (-3) over St. Louis

Kiss of death pick right here. I’ve just ensured a St. Louis victory.

CLEVELAND (+3) over Atlanta

Week 5 upset special.

Chicago (-2.5) over PANTHERS

Bears QBs can breath easier this week.

Green Bay (2.5) over WASHINGTON

McNabb was 2-for-11 passing in the second half of last week’s victory over the Eagles.

Giants (+3) over HOUSTON

Houston, we don’t have a defense.

New Orleans (-7) over ARIZONA

I wonder what the win/loss record for undrafted rookie QBs against defending Super Bowl champs is…

OAKLAND (+6.5) over San Diego

Don’t trust the Chargers on the road.

Tennessee (+6.5) over DALLAS

The Titans are the Tie Domi’s and Matthew Barnaby’s of the NFL.

Philadelphia (+3.5) over SAN FRANCISCO

I have a good feeling about this week’s matchup for the Birds, but I don’t know why.

JETS (-4) over Minnesota

Rex Ryan’s defense will be more than game for a Favre-Moss-Peterson trio with less than a week of practice time together.