Before the all-star break, that’s just the potatoes and a lot of “let’s figure this thing out” going on.

After the all star break, that’s where amazing happens. The trade deadline, the NBA playoffs, the seeding to the NBA playoffs. Even the NBA Draft Lottery can be compelling. How many times have you heard the phrase, “Devon Harris and John Wall? The possibilities are endless.”

Okay … Maybe only I’ve said that.

Now, other writers say what they want: Lakers this, Cavaliers that, Orlando the other thing. It’s not as clear cut as some sports writers think. Look at the standings in the West for example — particularly the lock-jam at the #5 spot. It’s a “Gladiator” situation with Oklahoma City playing the role of Russell Crowe, San Antonio as Joaquin Phoenix and the Suns playing the role as the poor guy attached to Ralf Moeller’s arm in the first Gladiator event that African province. Oklahoma City (or the “Zombie Sonics” as one sports columnist calls them) intrigues me the most in this group. They can potentially be as low as sixth seed or as high as third. They took a six game winning streak into the All Star break and have more momentum than San Antonio or Phoenix going into the second half. They don’t need to make a drastic trade that ruins so many other playoff hopefuls, and what more do you need when you have Kevin Durant?

By the way, a memo to fans of the NBA: Kevin Durant has arrived. Please pick up your programs at the gate, sit back and enjoy the show. Is anyone else playing better than Durant? Show me someone else doing something like average 25+ points in 25 straight games — 26 as of February 16th. Please. Otherwise, it’s Durant’s world right now. Kobe who? Seriously. Durant is far more entertaining, and he is a legitimate threat to the scoring title. As it stands right now, LeBron James is at 29.8. Durant is one-tenth of a point behind (29.7 for people with weak arithmetic). Why will Durant overtake LBJ? Simple. Durant is a scorer. LeBron is a “do everything”-er? Not only does LeBron score, he passes, rebounds and assists, too. That’s great if you’re trying to achieve TEAM goals, but not so much when you’re going for individual achievements. Durant? He just scores. And scores. And then scores some more. Start getting used to this on a yearly basis because he’s only 22.

Other things to get used to? How about old players on new teams? Caron Butler and Brendan Haywood? Welcome to Dallas where you’re actually allowed to carry weapons. (Too soon?) Some of the more notable names being thrown around include Amar’e Stoudemire (pencil him in Cleveland’s lineup) and Tyrus Thomas. One deal involving Thomas sends him to Minnesota which makes no sense to me since they already have Kevin Love and Al Jefferson at power forward. Here’s another name that was thrown around a couple weeks ago: Monta Ellis. Word from the pot of gold in Boston had the Celtics trading Ray Allen’s expiring contract plus some cash and some youngsters for Ellis. That would be a GREAT move for Boston because it makes them a bigger threat in the East. There wouldn’t be another tandem as athletic as an Ellis and point guard Rajon Rondo combo, and not one team could keep up: not Cleveland, not Orlando, not no one. If Cleveland can’t get Stoudemire and Boston gets Ellis, I’d watch that second round Cleveland/Boston series a little closely because there’ll be a “Boston in 7″ feel to it.

Something else you may want to watch in the East on is the Dwight Howard vs. Shaquille O’Neal feud that’s brewing. After the last Cleveland/Orlando game, Shaq commented on Dwight Howard’s superpowers with his “Superman, my ass” comment. Is the 38-year-old Shaq in Howard’s head? Maybe, but Howard should to let his performance do the talking. In two games against Shaq, Howard is averaging 15 points and 9 rebounds compared to Shaq’s 10 and 5. Round three will happen this weekend in Orlando, so we’ll see just how much Shaq really is in Howard’s head. No matter what happens between these two in the regular season, playoff time is completely different. Come March and April, who’s going to have more of the advantage: the older veteran with the psychological edge or the youngster with the physical edge and the fresher legs? Howard only averaged 22 and 11 in the Eastern Finals last year against Zydrunas Ilgauskas. There’s nothing to lead me to believe he can’t be as effective against a guy who’s just as old, only a lot more pudgy.

(P.S. All of this is irrelevant anyway because if Vince Carter doesn’t get his ‘ass together, Orlando’s not going far. Seriously, why did Orlando give up on Hedo Turkoglu? Why give away a guy who averaged 16 points, 5 assists and 5 boards a game, can run the point and be clutch down the stretch? The Magic were a threat last year because with the Nelson-Lee-Turkoglu-Lewis-Howard lineup, Howard could make his moves down low or kick it out to one of FOUR jump shooters. Can the Magic really win with a guy like Vince Carter who is better at creating his own shot, but not the better distributor Turkoglu was?)

I’m so fired up about talking about the Eastern Conference now that I’m just going to continue with the big question in the East: Can anyone beat Cleveland? Barring a Stoudemire trade … yes. If Stoudemire goes to Cleveland, put the Larry O’Brien trophy in a box and just ship it to 1 Center Court, Cleveland, Ohio, 44115. There are two teams in particular that can give Cleveland a run:

Orlando: Obviously because of Howard. I don’t think Shaq is in Howard’s head as much as he THINKS he is, and I don’t think Cleveland can beat Orlando with the 1 vs. 5 LeBron James offense they used last year.

Boston: Listen to what I say. If the Celtics pull the trigger and get Monta Ellis, Boston will beat Cleveland in a second round matchup. The Cavs wouldn’t be able to match up against a Rondo/Ellis backcourt (as aforementioned) with Pierce, KG and Kendrick Perkins down low. Ellis to Boston makes the green machine relevant again. Instead of going down in six, the Celtics could win in seven.

I can hear the murmurs coming from the A-town. Actually, it’s more the sound of a short man yelling “What!?!” at me. With all do respect to Josh Howard and Joe Johnson whom I respect very much, I don’t think the Hawks have the firepower. You’ll be competitive, and you may just win a game or two. In the end, getting to the NBA Finals is next to impossible. I wouldn’t be shocked, but I’m not exactly putting my life savings on it, either.

I am, however, putting my life savings on the Denver Nuggets in the West. Yes, Los Angeles is a short two hour drive north from where I lay my head, and the wrath of Laker Nation could fall on me at any second, but I stand by my statement. Why? The same bug plagues the Lakers like a Windows computer virus: the inability to defend certain elite point guards (i.e. Chris Paul, Deron Williams or Chauncey Billups). This year, opposing point guards score 20.7 points per game which is worse than last year (16.4). That stat doesn’t say too much, but combine that with Billups’s 22 ppg average against the Lakers as well as J.R. Smith’s 23.5, and uh, it could be disappointing in April. Yes. LA got away with it last year, but there’s one large difference: Ron Artest is not the dominant defender he once was. He’s not guarding Chauncey Billups. He’s not guarding J.R. Smith. He’s not guarding Carmelo Anthony. Sure, he can try as hard as he likes, but he’ll lose more times in those match-ups than he’ll win. Why the Lakers let Ariza walk to get Artest will confuse me until the end of time.

Almost 1,400 words later, here’s the question: 2010 NBA Finals. Who’s playing?

Representing the East will be LeBron James and the Cleveland Cavaliers. Getting there won’t be easy. They’ll probably need 14 games to get through Boston and Orlando, but in the end, LeBron won’t let this team lose. With the summer of LeBron looming, LBJ might feel he needs to win it now because he’s clearly playing it.

Representing the West: George Karl’s rich, creamy Nuggets. Without Ariza, the Lakers are less athletic than they were last year, and the Nuggets have the guards (Billups-Smith-Lawson) to run the Lakers out of the playoffs. (REMINDER: The Nuggets snapped the Lakers eight-game home winning streak without Carmelo before the All-Star break, so what happens on February 28th when Denver goes to Los Angeles again with when they have all their players strip mining the purple and gold.)

The dream matchup of the 2003 NBA Draft will happen seven years later. Until then, enjoy the last 30 games of the season because there’ll be plenty to pay attention to — unless you’re a Nets fan.

A lot of times, I have my little delusions of grandeur, and I think I can take a team like the Detroit Lions to the Super Bowl in the first year, but I typically lose interest.  However, with the medium that is “Taking Back Sports”, I have the crazy idea that chronicling my timeline as a football exec through blog might actually be interesting to some video game geeks.  I never said it’s a good idea.  I just said it was an idea.

After consulting with Dr. Sports Fan, we have narrowed the field down to five teams that we both feel would be interesting to read about.  Who knows?  Maybe some desperate NFL owner will get wind of this blog and hire me as an NFL general manager.  Let’s face it.  If you’re smart enough to know NOT to draft Darrius Heyward-Bey with Michael Crabtree still on the draft board, I feel you deserve at least some consideration.

Here’s how this will work.  There will be a poll below, and simply vote on the team you’d most like to read about me controlling.  I’ll be posting reports so you can keep up with my insanity and geek-dom.  I will also be using REAL NCAA PLAYERS IN DRAFTS via draft classes provided by NCAA Football 2010.  Tim Tebow could be the new starting quarterback for the St. Louis Rams if the Rams are chosen, but we shall see.  Below is the list, so vote now.  The lucky team will get my services, and I will start beginning February 1, 2010.

If you’re one of about 1.3 million people, you have the luck and good fortune to be living in San Diego, California.  It’s sunny and 70 degrees all-year round, and you can get on a bus to get to some of the best beaches in the United States (La Jolla Shores being my personal favorite).  There are only two things that make San Diegans a little gloomy: rainy season (typically January through March) and an early exit by the San Diego Chargers in the playoffs — also falling in that same time frame.

When the latter of the two happen, Mission Valley turns eerily quiet.  Jack Murphy Stadium¹ turns to a ghost town, and restaurants like Seau’s are full of Chargers fans who are looking for someone to blame.  It almost makes me feel at home in Philadelphia again² — where fans are already criticizing Andy Reid’s decision to stick with Donovan McNabb.

My Facebook and Twitter were littered with trends and topics that were executing Chargers personnel worse than Kurtwood Smith executed Peter Weller in Robocop.

Nate Kaeding this.

Vincent Jackson that³.

Agreeing with the Kaeding firing is easy, but there is one guy who should not be able to dodge another bullet.  Norval Eugene Turner, give your tickets to the man operating the coaches’ carousel at the carnival, and enjoy the ride.

There is precedent to fire Turner because of previous ineptitude from a head coach.  Marty Schottenheimer was fired in January of 2007 after going 14-2 and getting bounced by the underdog New England Patriots at home in the Divisional Round.  Turner took over, but not a single sports-writer saw this as a good idea for a team with a wide open Super Bowl window.  How did general manager A.J. Smith say with a straight face: “Hey, my team is this close to winning a Super Bowl.  Why don’t I bring in a guy who is 58-82 as a head coach, and hasn’t had a winning season since 2000?”  Seriously, how much hair was lost by Chargers fans trying to scratch their head to make sense of that logic?

Ok, I’ll be fair.  Turner DID go 11-5 in his first year before falling to the Patriots again — this time in the AFC Championship — with Phillip Rivers playing with one leg⁴.  In the second year of the “Tenure of Norv”, the only thing that kept Turner from the firing squad was a miracle finish to the season that saw the Chargers win four in a row to win the AFC west over the Denver Broncos⁵.  Just like 2007, injuries — this time to tailback LaDainian Tomlinson — kept the Chargers from winning a playoff game.

This year, Tuner and the Chargers had NO EXCUSES to not make it to the AFC Championship Game.  They won 11 straight, had a first round bye, and they were favored against the New York Jets complete with rookie head coach Rex Ryan and rookie quarterback Mark Sanchez.  What happened?  Five words: they weren’t ready to play!

Two things stand out.  Norv’s offensive strategy made absolutely no sense.  Why drop back and throw the ball 40 times against a defense that channels the spirit of late Philadelphia Eagles defensive coordinator Jim Johnson?  Did Norv just not see Cedric Benson run for 160 yards against this vaunted #1 defense?  You have Tomlinson AND Darren Sproles, and they combined for 57 yards on 15 carries.  Against a great blitzing defense like the Jets have, you have to run, run and then run some more.  San Diego didn’t do that, and Rivers was running for his life on all the third and long situations he was in.  Nothing changed in the second half at all.  Rivers was still dropping back to throw with not only no open receivers but with free blitzers as well.

Were any adjustments made?  Did Norv say anything to his team?

Equally as mind-blowing as the offensive strategy was the amount of dumb penalties in this game.  The Shaun Phillips head-butt in the third quarter was beyond stupid⁶.  Instead of 1st down just inside the 20 yard line, it was first and goal inside the five.  Sanchez throws to Dustin Keller … touchdown.  Jets lead 10-7.

You can’t totally put this game on Nate Kaeding — even though fans in Diego have already thrown him under the bus.  It didn’t seem as if Turner made any kind of adjustments in the second half.  He was out-coached by a rookie head coach/quarterback combination making their second playoff start.  The Chargers played like second class citizens, and some of the failure has to come down on Turner.  The Chargers fans have Ron Rivera on their staff, and he was a hot head coaching candidate not too long ago.  If Turner can’t get it done — and personally, I don’t think he can — then someone needs to get the keys to the car before their great young core of Rivers, Sproles and Merriman gets wasted and starts winning rings elsewhere.

Normally, I’m not one to call for a coach’s head, but I’m making an exception in this case on behalf of the fans of the San Diego Chargers.  If a coach with a pedigree like Marty Schottenheimer was fired for failures like this, a coach with a distinguished and proven resume like Norv Turner needs to be shown the door faster than Uncle Phil showed Jazz in the “Fresh Prince of Bel Air.”

¹ I refuse to acknowledge the incorporation of professional sports stadiums.  (i.e. Qualcomm will always be Jack Murphy.  Football gods don’t sell out.)

² Let’s be honest.  No fan base is rougher on its team than Eagles fans.

³ A bit ridiculous considering he had seven catches for 111 yards while being matched up primarily against Darelle Revis — the second best cornerback in football.

⁴ Rivers played the AFC Championship on what was later revealed to be a torn ACL.

⁵ A trend Denver continued this year.  After starting 6-0, the Broncos finished 2-8 and miss the playoffs.

⁶ On a scale of one to Forrest Gump, that play is about a Rain Man.

It was the summer of 1998.  Temperatures in Philadelphia were swelling to the typical 90 degrees with 100 percent humidity that I hate with such a fiery passion and causes water shortages with all the showers being taken.  In St. Louis and Chicago, Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa were making things hot with their bats as they sent more baseballs into orbit than NASA sends satellites.

The summer of ’98 culminated on September 8, 1998 when the Cubs visited Old Busch Stadium.  Sosa trailed McGwire in the home run chase by two, and everyone knew that 62 was going to happen soon.  It was inevitable.  The fans knew it.  McGwire knew it, and I couldn’t wait for it to happen.

There was so much anticipation because I had been following this chase since sports-writers were positive that either McGwire or Sosa (or both) would break the record this year — especially since both men had more than 45 home runs by mid-August (McGwire had 49 and Sosa had 48 as of August 19, 1998).

At this moment, I felt good about being a baseball fan again after the '94 strike made me hate the sport so much. (SOURCE: www.stltoday.com)

That September night, Mark McGwire connected on a pitch by Cubs pitcher Steve Trachsel and a screaming line drive towards the left field wall caused fans in attendance (including Roger Maris’s family) to get up on their feet and watch McGwire take his historic 62nd home run trot that season.  (For the record, looking back, I thought that ball was going to clang off the wall in left.  Not the towering home run the other 61 home runs were.)  After the ball BARELY went over the wall, McGwire was happier than a kid getting his first big wheel.  In fact, he was so jubilated that he forgot to step on first base.

I was happy for McGwire and impressed by Sosa’s class.  In a moment that will forever live in baseball history, Sosa met McGwire at home plate to shake his hand and congratulate him.  It’s a shame that moment for me and so many other baseball fans and purists has been tainted because of Mark McGwire’s admission to using steroids.

Mark McGwire admitted told the Associated Press and Bob Costas of the MLB Network to using steroids during his career.  He claims that it was not to get home runs, which is about as believable as him saying his admission has nothing to do with the Hall of Fame — which is a mute point because there’s no chance he’s getting in and especially not after this.

McGwire told the Associated Press that the toughest thing for him was hiding this from his family and close friends.  He also said, “I knew this day was going to come.  I didn’t know when.”  What McGwire had to deal with in keeping the secret is not nearly as tough as baseball fans who have to come to grips with a secret that sours the moment that many sports-writers say “saved baseball” after the strike in 1994 turned millions of fans away from America’s Past-time.

Since the House Oversight Committee’s investigation into steroid use in baseball, there have been so many players that have either come out and said they used steroids or other performance enhancing drugs or players who are suspected.  Many of these players I looked up to, and at some point, turn to my son and say: “Be like him.”  Names like Barry Bonds, Manny Ramirez, Roger Clemens, David Ortiz, Alex Rodriguéz should have been names that were welcome in my household if my offspring expressed any kind of interest in baseball.  I refuse to allow mention of those names in my house at this point.  My son will be influenced by the names my father and brother grew up with: Jackie Robinson, Babe Ruth, Roger Maris, Joe DiMaggio, Ted Williams, Hank Aaron, Reggie Jackson (minus the bad attitude), Steve Carlton, Nolan Ryan.

Believe in Albert Pujols? I don't know, anymore. (SOURCE: Sports Illustrated)

Players in today’s game that I would want to introduce my children to (i.e. Albert Pujols, Ryan Howard, Roy Halladay, Josh Beckett) are unfortunately caught in a vicious crossfire worse than the soldiers in Afghanistan.  Even if I wanted to tell my son about those players, I wouldn’t because those names represent a time in baseball where there was so much talk of cheating, and my son will be raised not to be one a cheater.

In a March issue of Sports Illustrated, Albert Pujols is featured on the cover with a message of “Don’t be afraid to believe in me.”  Albert, believe me when I say I really WANT to, but after McGwire’s admission, I don’t know who I can trust.  I don’t know who I can believe in.  Baseball and I have a relationship much like a guy who has a girlfriend who cheats on him.  Baseball is begging me to come back, but I don’t know if I want to go through the pain of being hurt again.  Not after McGwire.

(… The first one word descriptions don’t count …)

(… Nor does the introductory paragraph.  Unless you REALLY want to nit-pick …)

The time has come for the most depressing month of the year if you’re a football fan.  The playoffs have started, and Sundays are about to become very free for Family Fun Days or whatever useless substitute for football you may have.  Not sure exactly how many playoff previews have already been written, but when has that ever stopped me before from doing something that has already been done.

NFC

New Orleans Saints - Teetering

If you’re a Saints fan, you’re not feeling too good.  You’re probably as confident in your team as citizens of New Orleans were in FEMA back in 2005.  (Too soon?)  Thankfully, though, Drew Brees is still steering the boat through the eye of this storm pretty much by himself due to a missing run game.  In the last five games, the Saints have averaged 90 rushing yards per game after getting 100-plus in every game before that except one.  That isn’t gonna get it done in January.  Where’s the balance?

Minnesota Vikings - Timebomb

As in this team is a ticking one waiting to happen.  Between Adrian Peterson’s lack of a 100-yard run game (11/15 was the last) and a possible Brett Favre meltdown performance looming like a Minnesota blizzard, is it any wonder why I’m kinda skiddish about this team’s chances?  Going 3-3 to finish the season with a loss to Carolina for goodness sake doesn’t really instill confidence.  The only saving grace for this team is that they don’t have to leave Minnesota where they’re 8-0 unless they have to go to New Orleans.

Dallas Cowboys - Threat

Say what you want about the Cowboys in the past, but they finally showed up to the December party.  They aren’t the hottest team in the NFL contrary to what some writers think (because there’s a California team that has won 11 straight), but they do look pretty good.  Having to play the Eagles again has its pros and cons, though.  On one side, the ‘Boys did beat the Eagles twice for the first time in ten years, but it’s not easy to beat one team three times.  If they do, then the first word description becomes even more true.

Arizona Cardinals - Dangerous

What is there to say about the Cards that hasn’t been said?  Except New Orleans, no offense has more firepower.  Unfortunately, these Cards have the same issue that I had with them last year: no run game.  They got to the Super Bowl last year after only averaging 73 yards-per-game.  Beanie Wells appears to be the real deal (4.5 yds/carry), but who knows how bad that hamstring will affect his production.  Anquan Boldin is hurt.  Larry Fitzgerald is hurt.  Combine that with the Packers #5 pass defense, and it might be a short playoff run.

Green Bay Packers - Silent

Dallas finally won a game (or three) in December.  Brett Favre actually performs late in the year helping the Vikings.  But, did anyone notice that the Packers have won seven of their last eight (including a win against Dallas).  Much like a fat person after a round of Taco Bell, the end result of dealing with the Packers could be deadly.  With all the hooplah that Favre gets, but no one seems to be pointing out that Aaron Rodgers has thrown for 232 more yards and has only three fewer touchdowns.  Rodgers doesn’t have that threat of self-destruction, either.

Philadelphia Eagles - Predictable

You know what you’re getting into when you play the Eagles: pass-pass-run-pass-pass.  The Cowboys exploited a major flaw in the Eagles offensive strategy.  Prevent the big play (Eagles have 42 pass plays of 25 yards or more), and you can beat this team.  Sustaining drives in the playoffs is critical.  Also, this team used to be predictable defensively.  You know the four linemen are rushing, but what other guys are coming?  Anyone but me notice the utter lack of a blitz against Dallas last week.  When they did blitz Romo, he fluttered.  Dear Sean [McDermott] … MESSAGE!

AFC

Indianapolis Colts - Vulnerable

Ignore the last two weeks.  Don’t get on them for blowing a lead against the Jets with their backups, and don’t get on them for mailing it in against the Bills.  Get on them for entering the playoffs without tackle Ryan Diem.  Get on them for having the worst run defense of all the playoff teams (giving up 126/game) — a constant bug that rears its ugly head against the wrong opponent.  Peyton Manning is an MVP candidate, but is this one of those years where Manning isn’t gonna be able to carry the Colts by himself?

San Diego Chargers - Champions

Everything is set up so perfectly for San Diego to get to Miami.  They’ve won 11 straight, play at home for the first game, and when the Chargers have to leave San Diego, they’ll face a Colts team they’ve beaten two straight times in the playoffs already.  Not calling them a lock, but they look damn good.  Philip Rivers won’t get the MVP over Peyton Manning, but he’s got a slight edge to get a ring over Manning.  Now if you’ll excuse me, there are about two million San Diegans begging and pleading with me to knock on wood.

New England Patriots - Hobbling

With Wes Welker out, that’s a serious blow to the ‘Pats.  How important is he?  Of his 123 receptions, 16 of them came on 3rd and 3 to 7 yards with 11 first downs.  Is Jordan Edelman going to be able to even come close to coming through in the clutch like that?  Could one of those 3rd down situations be at a critical time?  The Patriots can probably beat the Ravens because of the element of surprise with the new way that offense will adapt, but one week is all that’ll last when they play Indianapolis or San Diego.

Cincinnati Bengals - Confusing

I have more questions about this team than I do about government health care reform.  I literally have no idea what to expect, anymore.  NONE.  When Cincinnati is good, they play inspired because of the deaths of defensive coordinator Mike Zimmer’s wife and Chris Henry.  When they’re bad, they lose to Oakland (– one of the more confusing losses this year –).  My confidence isn’t helped by the Bengals losing MLB Rey Maualuga (ankle) and having a slowed-up DT Domata Peko (knee).  A big game (or two) from my comeback player of the year, Cedric Benson (editor’s note: GREAT CALL, PHOENIX!), may make me feel better.

New York Jets - Pretending

Saying the Jets are one-and-done is too much of a confidence builder because that means there’s belief the Jets will win at Cincinnati.  NOT.  GONNA.  HAPPEN.  Five words why: Rookie quarterback, rookie head coach.  Ben Roethlisberger’s performance in his rookie year was one of the rarest things to happen in the “millenios”, and there’s no way in hell Mark Sanchez comes even remotely close to that.  However, taking my Bengals comments into consideration as well as the Jets having the #1 rush attack and overall defense, I am reminded that stranger things have happened in the NFL Playoffs.

Baltimore Ravens - Physical

Yeah, it’s a “go to” word to describe the Ravens, but when you’re the most physical team this year, you get special recognition.  Joe Flacco has had a good sophomore season (3,613 yards & 23 TDs), but make no mistake, this team will beat you into submission with Ray Rice (5.4 ypc on first downs) and Willis McGahee (5.0 ypc).  Defensively, it’s all about all 340 lbs. of Haloti Ngata and the openings he provides for LBs like Ray Lewis to make plays.  Tom Brady might want to be careful because there really could be a hit that warrants a roughing the passer — unlike week 4’s nonsense.

After all that, I bet you’re wondering who I’m picking for the big Miami classic this year.  Well, if you’re familiar with my columns, you know I’m all about my opinions, not my choices.  Choices get me into a lot of trouble with people … their bookies … and their loan sharks with large metal objects.

For those of you who missed it, the New York Jets and Buffalo Bills played in primetime last Thursday night in Toronto on the NFL Network. And while I am one of the lucky NFL fans that actually get the NFL Network, I still chose to watch Oregon State and Oregon battle it out for the Pac-10 Championship and a trip to the Rose Bowl.

(For those of you that know me, your eyes are not failing you. Jack of All Sports actually opted to watch college football over the NFL.)

It really shouldn’t be all that surprising. Why would I watch two teams with losing records and no stars — sorry T.O., you suck this season – when I could watch a better football game with some actual star power and a better storyline. (Not to mention the fact that after the college game I could watch Dr. Sportsfan’s boss incarnate, Michael Scott, on The Office.) As I write, I can’t tell you who won the game. That’s how pathetic and uninteresting a matchup the Jets-Bills was. And the NFL featured this matchup in primetime?!

(I just looked up the score: 19-13 Jets. I missed a dandy, shame on me.)

For 35 years, Monday Night Football was one of the great NFL traditions. Under Roger Goodell, the NFL makes more money with NBC’s contract for Sunday Night Football. Don’t get me wrong, I think NBC does a very good job with SNF, who doesn’t like flex-scheduling, which ensures everybody sees the very best SNF games during the regular season’s final months. My biggest beef with NBC has to do with the presence of Keith Olbermann. He doesn’t even qualify as comic relief. Go watch Lethal Weapon 2 and study Leo Getz, that’s how you do comic relief that works! I also don’t like Cris Collinsworth, who has somehow allowed me to have missed John Madden this season.  (I also miss the old ESPN crew with Mike Patrick and Paul McGuire — although Joe Theismann sucks and everyone knows it.)

Still, my biggest issue with the rise of Sunday Night Football on NBC is the replacement of primetime football on Monday night. We were left with the piece of crap, sorry excuse of a production on ESPN, where as ABC covered it in the past. Disney Corporation blew that one big-time as far as Jack, and many other fans are concerned. Was Michael Eisner somehow involved with that decision, even after he was ousted by shareholders? He must have been, only he’s dumb enough to allow this:

• ABC’s best commentator, Al Michaels, was allowed to get away and call games for rival network NBC.
• The new team of commentators was Mike Tirico (who should only be allowed to call golf – period), Tony Kornheiser (Woody Paige’s long lost brother in worthless, airheaded sports journalism and sports bantering — can you say Dennis Miller?), and the aforementioned Theismann.

With that, Goodell turned the great tradition of Monday Night Football into a laughing stock. Let’s treat Goodell the way George Costanza did when he told-off George Steinbrenner when he was doing the opposite of his natural instincts. (I’m just gonna replace Goodell with Baddell from here on out.)

Sure Baddell ruined a great tradition with primetime football and spawned a wave of horrible commentating that plagues every network, but he also decided to give us more primetime football. Let’s look at this one Animaniacs style.  (If you get this reference, you are now cooler than you were before)

Good Idea! Bad Idea!

This extra primetime game was going to be on his own network, the NFL Network. The idea of 24 hours of football is simply fantastic, if you actually have access to the station. And the station is going to have one primetime game a week every Thursday night? Double fantastic!

This would all be fine if not for more greed on the part of Goodell and the NFL. Trying to charge cable companies an arm and a leg for this niche digital cable channel, the NFL priced its own network out of the range of most of its fans. To this day, the NFL Network is still not available to all cable and satellite providers because the NFL Network continues to charge outrageous rates for the right to carry the station.

Oh wait, how many marquee games have been broadcast on the NFL Network since it started Thurday Night Football? Good luck counting that on one hand! (Editors note: There was one hell of a game between the 15-0 New England Patriots and 10-5 New York Giants back in ‘07.) Thursday Night Football is garbage, as is the entire NFL Network – even though the idea was and still is great. Nuff said!

Baddell has already been berated with his handling of the NFL on T.V., but Jack still has more to say on this topic. First, I completely understand the theory behind the Home Market Blackout Rules. But don’t you think, given the sorry state of the national economy – let alone the local economy of several NFL cities (Hello, Detroit!) — why not ease them for this season and next and allow hard-suffering fans to see their home team’s games. At the end of the day, the NFL should be mainly concerned that its a fans’ and players’ game first and foremost and not the owners’ and NFL executives’. The NFL makes plenty of money, Rog! You didn’t have to be a heartless bastard and allow these blackouts to continue. For crying out loud, the lives of millions of Americans suck right now. The NFL would be a worthwhile escape from that each week for a few hours.

Second, what is up with games in Canada and London? How dare you deny teams and fans a home game so you can glorify your own massive ego by showcasing America’s Game in places it has no chance to succeed (wow, I’m really becoming Constaza in this article). You had NFL Europe for a reason, and our neighbors to the North are doing just fine with the Canadian Football League. Hockey will be Canada’s most popular sport, and Europe has soccer. With the countless gaffes by Major League Baseball’s Bud Selig and the National Hockey League’s Gary Bettman during their collective Reign of Incompetency as commissioners, the NFL has truly become America’s Game due in thanks to the leadership of Paul Tagliabue.

Seriously, don’t screw it up Rog! If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it!

An additional point about this overseas business (non-T.V. division): if teams have to make road trips of 5,000+ miles as part of a normal schedule, how will they have a fair chance to prepare and play their best, and give fans the best quality of football possible? An NFL team from London could conceivably go 0-18 in its first 18 roads, just like the New Jersey Nets — only New Jersey added home games just for fun. Wow, the Nets really suck.

Baddell has also had some other ideas that only Michael Scott could agree with, one of which would be to change overtime rules to give each team a chance to score, like college. Memo to Rog: Making the NFL more like college football in any way is never a good idea! Part of the mystique of the NFL is the fate of the coin toss. If you lose, you have to play shutout defense to have a chance to win. Part of being a professional and better than your opponent is to handle adversity, like when a coin toss don’t go your way. Winning the coin toss doesn’t guarantee victory in overtime in the NFL — just ask Eagles offensive coordinator Marty Mornhinweg, who famously chose the wind in overtime as the head coach in Detroit. In that case, not having Mornhinweg as your coach guaranteed victory.

Another of Baddell’s ideas: extending the regular season. I think this is another awful idea. Having players play additional games and being exposed to further injury risk does not lend itself well to good playoff football, especially when the best teams need their best players to play. Playing through pain is something every NFL player must deal with, but risking careers is bad for the long-term health of players, teams, and ultimately the league. Just look at all the concussions this season alone. Imagine additional weeks of football where this could happen. The best team at the end of the season should win the Super Bowl, not the most healthy team after the bloodbath of an 18-game regular season. Also, an 18-game regular season only gives dismal teams a better chance to make the playoffs and reach the Promised Land.

Let’s not forget that one of the main reasons for the NFL’s rise in popularity the last few decades is the mystique of the 16-game season. Your favorite team is only guaranteed to play 16 times a year. With only eight home games each a year (not counting playoffs), most NFL stadiums are sold-out (sorry again Detroit) with passionate and attentive crowds each week – even the stadiums of sub-par teams. My guess is that home crowds would be duller each week if there were more home games.

While we could assume that an extra game or two could be a good thing for the fans, the real reason Baddell wants owners to approve a longer regular season is money.

Rog, don’t sacrifice the integrity of quality football so you can make a few more bucks that you don’t need.

You may have also heard that the NFL is known as the “No Fun League”. With strict school-master disciplinarian Baddell in charge, we get celebration penalties. There’s a fine line between celebration and taunting of an opponent, but give me a break! There’s nothing wrong with an original celebration between teammates. I tune in first and foremost to watch quality football, but I won’t forget the entertainment I got out of the Joe Horn cell phone and T.O. sharpie celebrations. Eagles tight end Brent Celek recently got flagged and later fined for the “Captain Morgan” celebration that most people didn’t even recognize. Rog, how was that excessive or showing up his opponent?

My last greivence against Baddell – for now — has to do with the excessive quarterback protection rules. Quarterbacks have the starpower to drive the NFL – I get that – but the last time I checked, QBs are football players. As Dr. Sportsfan informs me every time we watch a game together, quarterbacks are in fact given a helmet and pads. As football players, they should not have special rules to protect them. Quarterbacks get hurt, it’s part of the game. Teams just have to move on without their franchise player. Good teams find a way. (The Patriots went 11-5 without Brady in 2008. The Eagles made the playoffs two out of the three years Donovan McNabb suffered season-ending injuries.) Tom Brady should not be wearing a skirt, he is a football player. (Thank you Rodney Harrison for once channeling your motor mouth at an issue we all agree with you on.) If you’re gonna treat the QB like a baby, at least enforce the quarterback rules consistently. If someone barely touches Brady and it’s a 15 yard penalty, it should be like that for all QBs. Yet McNabb runs for a touchdown in week one against Carolina, and after the play is over for a full three seconds, he gets hit on the ground and breaks his ribs. No flag and no fine. Hmm. Maybe, possibly, perhaps, its because McNabb is …. well … (I won’t say it and risk the backlash, but you’re thinking it too.)

I am still as passionate about the NFL as ever and always will be, but I don’t like the direction the league has taken under Baddell’s leadership. The NFL seems evolving away from fan-friendliness by the week into a Corporate entity that cares more about money. The game I was raised on was about us fans and the players we watch. Baddell was given the keys to a ship sailing on the perfect line, yet is slowly steering off course.  The only way the NFL could’ve improved anyway, in my opinion, would be if the Eagles finally win the Lombardi Trophy.

So unless you can make that happen, take it easy, Rog!

Even for the rugged man of steel who is Jack Bauer of Taking Back Sports, the 72 hours I endured last week were the kind of pure torture not even suffered by the real Jack Bauer of CTU. What happened to me last Saturday, Sunday and Monday must be illegal. It must be somewhere in the fine print of the Geneva Convention. United Nations of “Sports World,” where were you last weekend?

It was so bad, I wouldn’t wish my weekend even on USC fans, San Francisco Giants fans, or Dallas Cowboys fans, my sworn enemies of the Sports World. So here goes the recap, and I challenge everyone reading to top the pain I went through in such a short span of time.

Saturday 10/17: Saturday began at about 6:30 a.m., when I woke up an hour before my alarm because I was rudely awaken by unexplained forces. I had a 9:20 a.m. flight up to the Bay for the weekend to hang out with friends and watch my Eagles hopefully whip on the punchless Raiders, who were not who I thought they were heading into this season. I’ll admit I had a small element of concern going in because ticked off NFL teams are dangerous at home. The Raiders were bound to be ticked off, coming off a 44-7 road loss to the G-Men, but still, it’s the Raiders! The Raiders (in Allen Iverson “practice” press conference form)!

Anyways, so I wasn’t going to leave for the airport two hours before a Saturday morning flight, so I put on ESPN College Gameday and was quickly greeted by Lee Corso and another dose of his pitiful and arrogant commentary. Not a good way to start any morning, let alone a weekend chock-full of sports. I couldn’t turn the TV off fast enough, and with nothing else on that early worth watching, headed for the airport.

Being in transit Saturday morning and hanging out with friends the entire day, I missed quite a few good college football games, much to my disappointment, and every result was completely the opposite of what I wanted. First, my UCLA Bruins fought hard but were just overmatched at home against a better Cal team. (I’m not nearly as passionate about college football as other sports because one, I really grew up on the NFL, and two, Division I college football teams do not play for a championship, so at the end of the day, what’s the point?) Still, I do follow UCLA football and very much want them to win and am disappointed when they don’t.

My two sworn college football enemies and the evil empires of the sport, USC and Florida, both were pushed to limit, but like they always seem to, they both pulled out victories, much to my dismay.

Sunday 10/18: Sunday is for the pros in football, and the day started out promising. The Giants were already trailing when I woke up at about 10:00 after a late night out, and the Redskins were poised for another defeat from a winless team (which did end up happening). And during my travels from my friend Frank’s (Frank is a Raiders fan, for the record) house and our seats at the 35-yard line in a lower-level suite, there were no issues with the much- hyped hostile Raider fan base. A few words were said in fun at me walking from the car to the seats, but nothing close to nasty. The only real jabs came from the police officers working traffic, who jokingly didn’t want to let Frank and I into the parking lot because they spotted my beautiful midnight green DeSean Jackson jersey and Eagles hat. When you are a visiting fan of team that is 3-1, not even a conference rival of the home team, let alone division, and the home team is 1-4 and hasn’t looked like an NFL team since opening weekend, you aren’t treated as bad. Also worth considering is the fact that the Eagles and Raiders fan bases are considered among the most hostile and violent in all sports, so there is a mutual respect for each others’ capabilities if someone goes too far in the hazing.

Frank, Jack of All Sports, Dr.Sportsfan, and Frank's friend in some suite seats at the game. Sadly, the seats were the only sweet thing about the game for Jack and "the Doctor".

Once Frank and I got to the seats and met up with Dr. Sportsfan, it was all downhill. The Eagles and Raiders both looked like playground teams, with the exception of the Raiders D-line, which came to play. The Eagles, led by the Master of Poor Play-calling and Clock Mismanagement, Andy Reid, did not find the end zone the entire game despite benefiting from playing against the Raiders offense, one of the worst in the league, which surrendered two INTs. The Eagles offense managing just nine points against the Raiders is a flat-out disgrace worthy of Joe Banner cutting off contract extension talks with the “fat man.” It’s a shame Dr. Sportsfan and I saw him in an elevator at the stadium before the game, as opposed to after.

So as bad as it went for me in football, the 72-hour time period under examination was just getting started. My fantasy football team, riding a three-game winning streak to climb to 3-2 after catching horrible breaks the opening two weeks, was poised to continue the streak against The Phoenix’s 1-4 fantasy team, which conveniently had Drew Brees benched in favor of Carson Palmer. The problem for me was my team looked like the Eagles, managing just 70 points and needing a 21-point performance from Antonio Gates on MNF to get a win against one of the worst teams in the fantasy league. Talk about insult to injury and shattered dreams, losing to two 1-4 teams in the same weekend. Only in a fantasy world could that happen. Perhaps I should’ve swallowed the red pill instead of the blue one and not gotten myself into this fantasy football mess.

So that’s football, now for baseball. It frankly didn’t look like the Dodgers had a shot Sunday night against Cliff Lee at home, but to not score a single run is not becoming of a team playing for a championship pennant. That is just embarrassing and depressing to watch as a fan. The Eagles may have failed to find the end zone, but at least they found the scoreboard! Come on, Dodgers! Really?

So that does it for Sunday sports, in all their non-glory for me, leaving me crying and battered inside. But won’t this horrible day ever end? I sincerely thank United Airlines for that one. Curses to Southwest Airlines, the best airline in the country, for not having any seats out of San Francisco on Sunday night when I booked my trip. I was on a 10:24 p.m. flight out of San Francisco, as soon as I could, to escape the Eagles’ giant stench left across the Bay and the bar where I watched the Dodgers leave their own trail of stink in Philadelphia. Jack Bauer simply got raped by the entire city of Philadelphia on Sunday.

The cause of my day not being allowed to end was my United plane. It was still sitting on the runway in Las Vegas 20 minutes before scheduled takeoff. At least it wasn’t in Philly, but that would’ve been more fitting. So when I finally left Frisco and landed at home in San Diego, it was 12:45 a.m., MONDAY MORNING! The torture that was Sunday for me never ended.

Monday 10/19: Sports for Jack Bauer Monday consisted solely of the Dodgers, with minor interest in the Chargers-Broncos as I wanted to believe Gates could reel off 100 receiving yards and two TDs to give me a victory from the jaws of defeat in fantasy. Not meant to be, though, as the Broncos are for real and the Norv Turner is who I — and the entire Sports World — thinks he is. A lousy coach who has a 2-4 record with one of the most talented teams in the NFL. A Chargers win could’ve given me some hope for my predictions in my regular season outlook. The Broncos now have six wins, one more than I predicted for them to get the entire season. Bill Belihcick screws me again, by way of his offspring.

It started out bad once again for the Dodgers, falling behind 2-0 after just one inning. But the Dodgers team I have seen all year, resilient and never quitting, showed itself at last and rallied back, tying the game 2-2 before taking a 4-2 lead, and clinging to a 4-3 lead going into the final frame. As iffy as Dodgers closer Jonathon Broxton has been in the past in big games, he had been money for much of the season and had been nails for the past few months. Against a powerful Cardinals lineup, he slammed the door to secure a 5-3 win in Game 1 of the NLDS, and two nights prior, shut down the Phillies in the ninth innig to even the NLCS at 1-1. I did not expect him to repeat his 2008 performance in Game 4 of the NLCS against the same team. But it was not meant to be, and Broxton once again did his best impersonation of Trevor Hoffman in a big-save situation. Broxton’s Achilles’ heal, his control, once again reared its ugly face and he allowed to two Phillies to reach without a hit before throwing a 99 MPH belt-high dart over the middle of the plate that any major league hitter could hit. Jimmy Rollins made him pay with a two-run hit, capping off a magical three days of sports for yours truly.

The only good news for me was that Tuesday was an off-day for sports, because whatever team I wanted to win would have probably lost. And it was unlikely to improve Wednesday, as I didn’t know how any team (the Dodgers) could come back from what happened that Monday night, other than you don’t (my point was conveniently proven as the Phillies secured a second trip to the Fall Classic that Wednesday night). The Phoenix is officially off my Christmas card list this year, but Dr. Sportsfan can stay because I didn’t play his 1-4 team in fantasy football and lose.

The math is so simple that even a caveman can do it.

Margarita Mondays + Monday Night Football with my buddies = Margarita Bowl and a Running Diary!

- I’ve just filed into the Landmark in Glassboro, New Jersey with my buddies Nick and Vinnie.  After grabbing our first $2 margarita, we’ve decided to set a few ground rules for a drinking game between Vinnie and me.

One sip of our margaritas:

• Wildcat plays
• Manning face
• Dwight Freeney sacks
• Joey Porter sacks.

Chug the rest of our margaritas:

• Wildcat touchdowns
• Reggie Wayne touchdowns
• Defensive touchdowns
• Special teams touchdowns.

I’m not sure about the game itself, but this drinking game has all the makings of an entertaining (and drunk) evening.  Even Michael Scott would agree that this is a win/win situation.

- Gotta love the Monday Night Football theme from Hank Williams.  It’s so much better than NBC’s version with Faith Hill (although, wow does she look hot).  Of course, isn’t it a little over the top how the team helmets travel through space to arrive at the football stadium?

First quarter:

- I’m waffling like Brett Favre on this whole baseball infield on the football field thing.  Part of me likes it for its vintage, old-school style, and the other part is thinking that with the billions of dollars spent on pro football, why can’t we find a way to have the whole field be just grass?  Right now, I’m pro-baseball infield.  Oh wait, scratch that.  I don’t like it.  Well, I guess maybe I’m okay with it.  (See how annoying this is, Brett?)

- Wow, first play from scrimmage and we have an 80-yard touchdown pass to Dallas Clark.  It doesn’t look like the Colts miss Anthony Gonzalez right now (at least not like fantasy football owners do).

- Second wow after the Clark TD:  We have a Tiger Woods sighting on the Colts sideline, and he’s giving out high-fives to the Colts and his marketing rival, Peyton Manning!

- (12:42) We have our first Wildcat formation. (Sip…)

- (12:00) Wildcat No. 2! (Sip…) Maybe this whole drinking game was a poor decision because Miami might run a lot of these plays.

- I’m liking the teal jerseys look for the Dolphins, but Nick (a big Miami fan) thinks that their orange jerseys are the best.  I couldn’t agree more.  In fact, I think it would be really cool if they had orange facemasks when they bring out the orange jerseys.  On a related note, I could talk uniform styles all day.  Maybe one day I can host a style show about sports jersey fashions, but you know, without the whole having to be gay part.  That may, however, completely discredit my opinions on fashion.  (Moving on, before I get picketed outside my house by gay rights activists…)

- (8:42) Wildcat touchdown for Ronnie Brown! (CHUG!)  Wait a second, the replay makes it look like Brown didn’t break the plane.  Vinnie just exhaled because he just finished his first margarita and was going to have to chug a brand new one.  Never mind, the Colts didn’t challenge and it’s time to drink up!

(Note to self: Frozen margaritas should not be chugged.  Ouch!  Brain freeze… I’ll be back soon.)

- My friend Bob stopped by the bar for a few before his indoor flag football game.  He — like many fantasy owners — is pissed at Matt Forte.  Forte had 13 rushes for 29 yards and a fumble Sunday against the Steelers, so it’s safe to say that he is not the “forte” of Bob’s fantasy team.  (P.S.  — All writers love puns!)

- The Indianapolis defense was just announced about 10 minutes into the first quarter, and of course Bob Sanders isn’t playing.  Does this guy ever play, and what does he do in the offseason?  Bob’s response: “He spends it in surgery.”

- (3:00) Wildcat No. 4. (Sip.)

- (2:30) We have a Pat White sighting, but it’s a spread option play.  Should it count as a Wildcat play?  The integrity of this drinking contest depends on answers to questions like these!

At the end of one quarter of play, Miami and Indy are tied, 7-7.

MARGARITA BOWL

Vinnie   2
Kevin      1

Second quarter:

- “F” My Fantasy Life — Week 2: I forgot to bench Donovan McNabb and his broken rib in favor of Matt Schaub and his four TD passes.  Now, all I need is about 40 points from Ronnie Brown, and I might be able to overcome my incomparable fantasy football stupidity.

- During the commercials between quarters, we started recanting stories from our Saturday night spent at the bar when Bob brought up some girl he’d been talking to.  He thought she was pretty but was put off by how much she was into Halloween costumes.  What gives?  My girlfriend loves Halloween costumes too and talks about them from like March on.  My best explanation:  Women think of fun in the same way I did when I was 6 years old.

- ESPN just brought up a graphic on Marvin Harrison.  We’re all convinced that he’s the real-life version of Kingpin from Dare Devil.  He may have tried to have several people killed in North Philadelphia — a neighborhood he’s all but bought up (and it’s not exactly a place that someone looking to avoid trouble lives).  The dude could be a sociopath for all we know.  Think about it…

- Remember how Tennessee running backs LenDale White and Chris Johnson liked to call themselves “Smash and Dash” last year?  According to Bob, head coach Jeff Fisher says he has his own nickname for them: “Dumb and Dumber.”  (Haha.)

- The guys have also decided that they’d like to be either Degeneration X or the New World Order for Halloween.  I miss living in NJ.

(Yeah, just like we were making fun of girls earlier.  One could call us hypocrites, but that would just make us look stupid, so please don’t.)

- I just looked up at the Mets-Braves game on one of the other TVs in the bar, and it reminds me of a Bob Uecker quote from Major League II: “As for the game, it was a real nail-biter.  It was a lot closer than the 11-3 score.”  Guess those preseason picks that featured the New York Mets as the NL East Champions sure worked out.  P.S. — The Phillies’ magic number to clinch the division is six.  (Excellent, Smithers.  Excellent.)

- Bob has to leave for his football game.  I told him that I might need two touchdowns from him if I’m to win my fantasy indoor flag football game this week.  (Or is it indoor flag fantasy football league?  I can never tell.)

- (6:40) Wildcat No. 5 (Sip!)

- (5:50) Wildcat No. 6 (Sip!).  Big props to Miami for really going after this Wildcat formation because without it, I’d be sober right now…

- (5:00) Dwight Freeney sack!  (Sip.)  By the way, Chad Pennington is extremely immobile.

- (4:32) There’s been a Donald Brown sighting!

- (3:57) Manning scrambled out of the pocket and slid into second base for a 2-yard gain.  I swear that made sense when I wrote it down around Margarita number three.

- Why does everyone hate Ricky Williams?  He didn’t kill anyone with his car, he didn’t electrocute any dogs, and he didn’t even bad-mouth any of his teammates.  He just wants to smoke weed.  I FEEL LIKE I’M TAKING CRAZY PILLS… or taking bong hits.  Not that I would know how that feels…  Nothing to see here, folks.

- With the game tied, 10-10, at the two minute warning, we’ve decided to make this thing a little more interesting.  I’m having a hard time typing this up, so I’m just going to bullet point this:

• Two years ago, we got Vinnie to order a frozen strawberry margarita and our server made fun of him.  It was high comedy, believe me, when our female server offered to put an umbrella in the drink!  So we thought we should make a bet where the loser had to order a strawberry margarita.  We’d each pick a team and the person that was wrong would be stuck ordering the “unmanly” strawberry margarita.
• Vinnie and I drew straws to determine which team we’d be rooting for.
• Vinnie drew the small straw (followed by him cursing me out), so he was stuck rooting for the Dolphins and I had Indianapolis for the night.  I liked my chances.

- (0:50) Miami runs the ball on third-and-7 in field goal range, and Vinnie does not approve.  Of course the Dolphins don’t convert the first down and are forced to settle for three points.  This play call reminds me of another movie quote, this one from Willem Dafoe in Boondock Saints: “Cuddle?  What a fag…”  (Just substitute “Cuddle” for “Calling a running play on third-and-long.”)  Either way, I might go into halftime as the clubhouse leader for the frozen strawberry margarita.

- (0:08) Damnit!  Peyton was just picked down the left sideline.  But will we get a Manning face?  I may be losing the Margarita Bowl, but I can at least get to enjoy this drinking game, if only ESPN will give us a reaction shot from Peyton…  Why can’t we get a shot of Peyton?!  If I get stuck with this damn strawberry margarita then I better get an f-ing Manning face!!!

- We’re back from commercial, and WE’VE GOT A MANNING FACE!  You KNOW it!  (Sip…)

- Wow, the Manning interception was overtuned after an official review, and the Colts rallied for a field goal.  My manhood has hope.  (Vinnie did not approve of that call…)  Colts 13, Dolphins 13 at the half.

MARGARITA BOWL

Vinnie 4
Kevin 3

Third quarter:

- Even though the NFL action is paused for halftime, the bar action has more than made up for it.  In fact, a group of dudes just spontaneously erupted into Biz Marquee’s Just a Friend.  Weird but awesome.

- The third quarter just started with Miami receiving the kickoff and there are two more Wildcat snaps in the first three minutes!  (Sip.  Sip.)

- Vinnie just brought up a good point: Do Pat White’s shotgun spread snaps count as Wildcat snaps?  Vinnie and I think so, so we both drink one from earlier, bringing our Wildcat total to 10 for the game.  (Sip.  Sip.)

- Miami just lined up for a field goal but missed wide right!  But instead of shouting wide right, I merely looked at Vinnie and asked if he’d like an umbrella in his margarita.  We should do this all the time!

- (8:11) We have a Joey Porter sack!  (Sip.)  Speaking of Porter, he’s definitely the heart and soul of the Miami Dolphins, right?  This got the three of us thinking about heart/soul guys in the NFL, guys that seem to have their teammates fired up every time their name is called out.  Here are some initial nominees for the All-Heart & Soul Team: Porter, Ray Lewis, Brian Dawkins, Drew Brees, Adrian Peterson, and Larry Fitzgerald.  This sounds like a great future column…

- (5:05) Wildcat No. 11.  (Sip.)

- (4:26) Wildcat No. 12.  (Sip.)

- (1:39) Wildcat No. 13.  (Sip.)

- (0:14) Wildcat No. 14.  (Sip.)  I’m getting a little sick of margaritas right about now.  Vinnie concurs like Leonardo DiCaprio in Catch Me If You Can.

Colts 13
Dolphins 13

Vinnie 6
Kevin 5

Fourth quarter:

- (13:23) Brown just scored his second TD for Miami.  Miami now leads, 20-13, and I’m beginning to swell up like a blueberry and little people are circling me and singing Oompa Loompa, Doopa De Doo.  Not good!

- (12:25) Peyton to Clark for another huge gain.  Clark seems like he has to be on his way to a 200-yard receiving night.  Has a tight end ever had a 200-yard game?  This is one of those times that I wish I had the Elias Sports Bureau on my speed dial…

- I’m definitely hitting a wall with this Margarita Bowl.

- Donald Brown just tied the score with a tough rushing TD!!  The strawberry margarita is still up for grabs!  The Colts and ‘Phins are tied, 10-10!!!

- (8:03) Wildcat No. … who cares?!  I’m sick of this margarita shit.  (Sip.)

- (7:24) Wildcat again!  I’m having homicidal thoughts about whoever invited this infernal beverage.  (Sip.)

- (4:29) Sparano runs the ball again on third-and-long in field goal range!  Yeah, that’s the way to play against Peyton Manning — go for field goals.  Even though Miam took the lead, 23-20, I feel like I’m in the driver’s seat in the strawberry margarita sweepstakes.

- During the commercial break, the three of us began debating a topic that many men have had at bars:  How much of your manhood are you willing to sacrifice to have sex with a girl?  (As opposed to, say, your hand…)

Nick: “I’d pay for it.  We all know that every girl is a prostitute anyway — you have to buy them things and take them out.  No matter how you look at it, in the end you’re paying for sex.”

Vinne is stumped.  On a related note, he’s single.

- Two plays and two completions for Manning — the Colts are in business!  (Great call on third-and-long, Tony!  That was, as my dad would say, “an example of what not to do.”)

- Miami is blitzing, but Manning throws a quick wide receiver screen to Pierre Garcon (alumnus of Division III powerhouse Mount Union) and the young Frenchman (or at least French-sounding) follows two blocks and HE COULD GO ALL THE WAY FOR A 48-YARD TOUCHDOWN!!!  With 3:18 left in regulation, the Colts lead, 27-23, and the fat lady is getting Vinnie’s strawberry margarita ready.  “Kevin, you’re walking home,” says Vinnie.

- The game and our manhoods all rest on the weak shoulders of Chad Pennington.  Needless to say, I like my chances here.

- The Dolphins continue to cuddle and call two running plays to start their drive while also letting the clock tick down to the two-minute warning.  Look, I want Ronnie Brown to have a good fantasy football game too, but WTF is Miami thinking?  Again, I like my chances here…

- We’ve just had our second “Just a Friend” outburst from the toolbags at the bar.  One time was cool, but the second time has me thinking that maybe this song is the anthem for this group of guys.  My guess is that Vinnie won’t be the only heterosexual gentleman ordering a strawberry margarita tonight.  Wait, I better not jinx this… Let me rephrase:  It looks like neither of us will be the only heterosexual man ordering a strawberry margarita tonight.

- (0:50) Pennington just completed a 19-yard pass to get Miami within striking distance of the go-ahead touchdown, and we have Manning face No. 2!  (Sip.)

- Ted Ginn Jr. just dropped the go-ahead touchdown on a decent jump-ball pass from Pennington.  Each of our hearts just skipped a beat on this play.

- It’s all going to come down to a Hail Mary pass.  While Nick is hoping his team can make it to 1-1 on the season, the fate for Vinnie and me is about to be determined.  Which manhood will fail?!

- Indianapolis intercepts Pennington’s pass, and the Colts win, 27-23!  Let’s go to Vinnie for a postgame reaction.  “Bullshit!  Fuck Ted Ginn Jr.!”

Margarita Bowl

Vinnie 9*
Kevin 7

*Vinnie had to drink an extra strawberry margarita because he is a girl.

Hope you all had as much fun watching Monday Night Football in week two as I did!

Jack Bauer of All Sports wrote an NFL preview, and Dr. SportsFan summarized the 2008 season to get everyone ready for the ‘09 season.

Everyone does their own thing when the NFL starts.  Personally, I believe it’s better to just view things as they happen.  I’m a reactionist — I think I’ll copyright that term, actually.  Things happen.  I write about it.  Plain and simple.  I’m not Miss Cleo, so why would I try to predict what happens?  (With all do respect to “Jack”).

With NFL Kickoff 2009 over and done with, there are some things fans are thinking, but don’t have the medium to say so.  There’s also some stuff out there fans may not be thinking about at all, but should be concerned with.

So, here it is, my inaugural NFL column for Taking Back Sports.

1. Mark Sanchez looked pretty ready to me …

Correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t USC head coach Pete Carroll swear by his belief that Mark Sanchez wasn’t NFL-ready?  I’m curious.  Hey, Pete, are you eating that crow with Tapitio sauce, or is ketchup good enough for you?  The rookie went 18 for 31 with 272 yards, a touchdown and an interception.

Sanchez’s only “oh crap” moment came in the third quarter, when he violated the No. 1 rule of quarterbacking.  Sanchez dropped back to pass, got flushed out of the pocket and rolled to his right.  He then threw the ball across his body to the other sideline.  The pass was completed, but Rex Ryan needs to tell Sanchez to select his “beating switch.”  YOU CAN’T DO THAT, MARK!  You got away with this time, but NEVER try that again because what you did is the EXCEPTION to the rule.

Aside from that little hiccup, Sanchez played with poise similar to another rookie quarterback who had a good first game last year.  Thankfully, both of these rookie quarterbacks had tailbacks who backed them up.  Michael Turner had a 200 yard game for first-year QB Matt Ryan, and Sanchez enjoyed handing off to Thomas Jones, who had two TDs.

2. Matthew Stafford will have a long, long … LOOONG rookie season …

I can’t really call Stafford’s debut memorable: 16 of 37, 205 yards, three picks.  Thankfully, he can only get better — unless we have a Ryan Leaf 2.0 situation on our hands.  Stafford was drafted into an impossible situation.  The Lions were the first team in NFL history to go 0-16, and when Daunte Culpepper got hurt, the Lions had no choice but to throw Stafford to the wolves.

Of course, a few corollaries can be made: Troy Aikman’s first game wasn’t that great, and Peyton Manning’s first start wasn’t all that great.  Forget all that.  Forget it right, now.  Judge Stafford on his own.  Sadly, his next games come against Minnesota, Washington, Chicago, Pittsburgh and Green Bay.  Welcome to the league, kid.  Get used to handing off to Kevin Smith if you don’t want to die within the first six weeks.

At least the Lions are at home next week against the Vikings.  Stafford will have the first-game jitters out of his system, and the home crowd should help him out a little.  You’ll be fine, young fella.  Get your lumps in.  All the great ones had to.

3. The Chicago Bears are no longer a contender in the NFC …

Next on the agenda for QB criticisms — Jay Cutler.  You whined like a Skywalker to get out of Denver.  Then you proved yourself to be as much of a threat as Obi-Wan Kenobi in the final lightsaber battle in Episode IV.

As many a Star Wars character has said in the history of the franchise: “I have a bad feeling about this.”

I can’t remember a QB in recent years who brought more good feeling to a town than Jay Cutler.  Bears fans rejoiced because they finally had a signal-caller that was as popular as Sid Luckman.  (For the record, I think it’s amazing how Bears fans clamor for the days of a guy from the 1940s when Jim McMahon won a Super Bowl in ‘85.  They just forget he exists).

But I digress …

Cutler’s first game as a member of Da Bears: 17 for 36, 277 yards, four INT.  You can spread the blame equally between Cutler, the Packers defense and the inexperience of the wide outs in Chicago.  The last INT was an absolute back-breaker.  Green Bay just got the lead off a beautiful TD pass from Aaron Rodgers to Greg Jennings.  Cutler came onto the field and threw an interception right into the waiting dreadlocks of Al Harris.  Cutler deserves some blame for that, but rookie receiver Johnny Knox stopped his route, giving Harris the inside play on the ball.

The bigger concern for Bears fans might just be Brian Urlacher’s right wrist which happens to be dislocated.  Urlacher sustained the injury in the third quarter, and that will be the last time he suits up this year.  In the ‘04-’05 season, Urlacher was injured for seven games, which eventually led to a 5-11 season.  Hunter Hillenmeyer, Urlacher’s replacement, looked completely lost, so he can’t be inspiring too much confidence in Chi-town.

If Chicago has to win games with offense this year, they have the perfect quarterback to do so — if he has his mind right, that is.  Cutler succeeded last year with the corpse of an NFL defense in Denver, so he has experience with this kind of thing, but if New Orleans is putting up 45 a game all year, Bears fans won’t sniff any part of a Super Bowl berth.

4. Normalcy has returned to the NFC West …

One team in the NFC West won 28-0, and another lost 20-16.  One team’s quarterback went 25 for 36 for 279 yds and three TDs, and the other quarterback was 26 for 44 for 288 yds, two INTs and a fumble.

Because the winning team was Seattle, and the good QB stats belonged to Matt Hasselbeck — who may or may not remind you of a balding uncle — yesterday was the first step in returning the NFC West to normal.

The NFC West isn’t the only thing back to normal.  Kurt Warner regressed back to his 2002 form: happy feet and turnovers galore.  How uncomfortable did he look against the 49ers?  Warner made the same mistakes rookies make in this league: they look at the pressure coming to them instead of the way to alleviate pressure (much like my epic search for TUMS last night after a kickoff weekend full of hot wings and Cajun food).

The Cardinals needed their opening game to shut the critics and doubters of the world (like myself) and build some momentum.  Instead, they laid a thousand-year-old egg against a team they mopped the floor with last year.  They also needed this game because with games coming up against Jacksonville, Indianapolis and Houston, it doesn’t get any easier.

The Seahawks won with authority yesterday.  They had to.  They had to send a message to Arizona, and the message was loud and clear:

“Your bird may look a little frightening on your helmets, but ours looks MUCH more pissed off.”

I reserve full and final judgement on this case until Oct. 15 at Qwest Field.  If Seattle wins that game, they get in Arizona’s head, and I will proclaim Seattle the 2009 NFC West Champions.  Until then, I’ll just settle for a Week 1 “I told you so.”

5. Will Eli Manning be all right without Plaxico Burress?  I think not …

The Giants began year one of living after the “Big Bang” against the Redskins, and Eli Manning actually looked pretty good without Plaxico Burress.  Manning completed passes to seven different receivers and went 20 for 29 with 256 yards, one TD and an INT.

However …

Depending on how much time Hakeem Nicks will miss, the receiving corps becomes a HUGE question mark once again, and the Giants are stuck with the same problem.  I said it in last year’s playoffs, and I’ll repeat myself: When Kevin Boss is your biggest threat at wide receiver, fear isn’t exactly the emotion I’m feeling if I’m a member of the opposing secondary.  It’s more like uncontrollable laughter.

“HA HA HA HA!  Seriously, we have to treat Steve Smith, Mario Manningham and Dominik Hixon as serious receiving threats.  I just can’t do it.”  (Unconfirmed account of what was said in the locker room of the Dallas Cowboys, who the Giants play next week.)

Need more proof about Plaxico and his importance to Eli vs. the NFC East?  In four years against NFC East opponents, Burress’ totals look like this: 24 games, 98 catches for 1,433 yards and 12 TDs.

In time, Manning could learn to live without him. But for now, the Giants need to reload some of their arsenal.

6. You know what, Terrell Owens was the problem in Dallas …

Let’s face it.  It is scientific fact that Owens has been a headache for about as long as he’s been in the league.

Ask Jeff Garcia.

Ask Donovan McNabb.

Ask Tony Romo.

Ask Trent Edwards (next year).

Yesterday marked the first year of the T.O.-free Cowboys, and as painful as this is to say (me being an Eagles fan), the Cowboys looked pretty good. Romo threw for a career high of 353 yards and hit six different receivers.  Romo’s best friend and personal mediator in the T.O. business Jason Witten led the way with five catches for 71 yards.

If you watched Romo against Tampa Bay, you’ll notice he looked a lot more confident in his throws, and he had more smiles on his face than looks of frustration (or sadness, depending on the situation).

What should worry Cowboys fans is the continuing mediocrity of Roy Williams.  Williams still looks like a work in progress in this offense.  He had 86 receiving yards and a touchdown, but 66 yards (and the TD) came on one play.  If Williams has more games like this, it could still be an interesting year — in the way Cowboys fans have known and not so much loved the last few seasons.

7. Someone better tell the AFC that the Ravens have an offense …

If Joe Flacco is making the “Year 2 Jump,” then his 307 yards and three TDs could be a message to the rest of the AFC that Baltimore can beat you with its offense or its defense.  Everyone has been used to the idea of a stubborn Ravens D combined with a QB that doesn’t lose the game.  (The Trent Dilfer year was absolute validation of that theory).

The Ravens have also been known to have a running back or two.  Jamal Lewis, Willis McGahee and this year Ray Rice.  Nineteen carries and 108 yards is a good start.  What the Ravens did against the Chiefs was a first.  Offensively, they had never had a 300+ yard passer and a 100+ yard rusher in the same game.

Hard to believe, huh?

It worries me a little bit that Brodie Croyle threw for two touchdowns, and Philip Rivers is the next quarterback this defense will face.  However, I don’t believe most teams will be able to move the ball against Baltimore like the Chiefs did on Sunday.

The Ravens aren’t going to win the AFC North, but they’re gonna make interesting.  It’s a new aerial attack in Baltimore led by someone whose name isn’t Ed Reed.

8. Tom Brady just put the NFL on notice …

For those of you who took part in the Brady vs. Cassel argument, I simply state the following:

39 of 53, 378 yds, two TDs

You heard me.  He put up those numbers in his first regular-season game returning from major knee surgery.

Yeah … (Bill Lumbergh voice)

He reached career high in completions and led back to back scoring drives to win the game for New England.

Does anything else need be said here?

Anything?

Ok, we’re good.  Moving on.

9. There are more things that warrant discussion …

But there are just too many that I chalk up to first-week-back jitters.  For example, the questionable performance from everyone’s 2009 AFC Champions, the San Diego Chargers.  They looked pretty average against the Raiders, a team they destroy perennially.  Does Richard Seymour really make that big of a difference?

Other things I chalk up to first-week luck.  Memo to fans of the 49ers and Broncos: It is NOT 1990, and neither of your teams are going to the Super Bowl.  Fans of both of these teams should enjoy their highs now because between Denver’s whole new offense and San Francisco’s lack of offensive talent (aside from Frank Gore) mean they’re not going too far.

More thoughts in the coming weeks.  Consider this the free sample.  After this one, I charge you your patience in waiting seven days.

When I was a little boy, all I could think about after Thanksgiving dinner was Christmas. In fact, it dominated my whole life. Everyday I woke up, I reminded myself that I was that much closer to the best day of the year.

(No offense to Jewish kids, who had eight crazy nights.)

When Christmas finally arrived — coincidentally on the 25th every year — I knew I’d awake to presents upon presents at both my mom’s and dad’s house, one in the morning and one in the afternoon.

Now that I’m 25-years-old, Christmas morning is no longer the most anticipated morning of the year. December is no longer my month of anticipation.

Like most other American males, my favorite morning of the whole year is the first Sunday of the NFL season. Like my Christmas experience, we get two sets of games each week! Also, thanks to the genius of NFL and broadcast execs, we are now treated to Opening Night FOUR DAYS EARLIER!!!!

WAHOOOOOO!

You KNOW it!!!

I CAN’T FEEL MY LEGS!!!

(You get the point.)

Just as Lloyd Christmas said to Harry Dunn when they arrived in Aspen, we’re there!

While most sports writers were drafting their NFL preview columns, I have been doing something a little different. Since I purchased my own 42-inch high definition television and attached a DVR/TIVO box to it the moment it arrived in my room, I have been taping my favorite programs — including every NFL Films team yearbook.

In the past few weeks, I’ve seen almost every team’s 2008 season highlights. Even teams like the Lions are filled with 15 minutes of uplifting material, and I’m not even sure they led a game for that long during the season. And after reading far more informed writers’ NFL preview columns, I decided that the world could do without another NFL preview.

Why not give the people what they want: a few thousand words on actual football that was played on the field and not in the minds of pigskin prognosticators. And what good is an NFL review column on its own? Any old bloke can do that. Why not find a way to incorporate one of my favorite shows, like say “24,” into it as well?

Done.

So without further delay, here is my NFL review column of the 2008 season.

The following takes place between Week One and Week 17.

“Jack, the U.S. government needs your help one more time.”

Since every season of “24″ begins with some politician or government agent begging Jack Bauer to help with a terrorist threat, the 2008 season began with Brett Favre unretiring to join the New York Jets. The sports media across the world agree that the Jets finally found the missing piece to their Super Bowl puzzle: a 39-year-old quarterback. At least Favre didn’t disappoint early on as the Jets started out the year with a 9-3 record. Unfortunately for the Jets, Favre’s old bones didn’t like December and New York finished 9-7 and out of the playoffs.

“David Palmer has been shot.”

In one of the series most shocking moments, President Palmer is killed at the beginning of Season Five. Just 7:33 into the 2008 season, reigning MVP Tom Brady was lost for the season when he tore both his ACL and MCL in his left leg during a low hit by Chiefs safety Bernard Pollard. Former high school quarterback Matt Cassell naturally stepped into meaningful football action for the first time since puberty and the Patriots finished 11-5 despite Brady’s injury. Unfortunately for New England, they were the first team in two decades to win 11 games but fail to qualify for the playoffs.

Although they didn’t lose him for the regular season, the Colts Peyton Manning had minor surgery on his knee late in the offseason (Is it just me or do Manning and Brady always seem to be trying to one-up each other?!). After missing training camp and the preseason, Manning wasn’t as sharp to start the season and Indianapolis struggled early on. But the eventual league MVP rallied the troops and Indy finished with a 12-4 record and a wildcard berth.

“Cops have to play by the rules. I may have to break a few with this guy.”

Miami brought two waves of change to the NFL.

1. The Dolphins were the comeback story of the league in ‘08 after finishing the ‘07 campaign with an NFL-worst 1-15 record.
2. Miami’s Wildcat offense is the newest fad that all other offensive coordinators are trying desperately to copy — and all defensive coordinators are losing sleep trying to stop.

There was a new Sheriff in town as the legendary Bill Parcells brought his brilliant football mind — as well as his wonderful sense of fashion — to South Beach. Parcells hired Tony Sparano as his head coach and added Chad Pennington, after he was let go when the Jets added Favre.

Two weeks after Brady’s injury, when the 0-2 Dolphins traveled to Foxboro to face the 2-0 Patriots, no one could’ve known what the Miami coaches were hiding up their sleeves. Using a modified single-wing formation — based on former Arkansas offensive coordinator Gus Malzahn’s decision to have Darren McFadden take the snaps from shotgun — running back Ronnie Brown took six snaps from shotgun, and Miami scored four touchdowns in the Wildcat on their way to a dominant 38-13 victory. Miami rode that wave the rest of the season and finished on an 11-3 run to win the AFC East.

“You are going to tell me everything I want to know or I swear to God I will hurt you before I kill you, and no one will be able to stop me.”

Maybe it’s the testosterone in me, but I’ve always thought that if you can run the ball then you don’t need to do anything else. Just run the ball down the other team’s throat until they stop you. This classic quote from Jack goes out to John Fox’s Carolina Panthers, Tom Coughlin’s New York Giants, and Jeff Fisher’s Tennessee Titans. Each team played smash-mouth football all season long, won their divisions, and secured first round byes in the playoffs.

Tennessee started the season 10-0 despite starting quarterback Kerry Collins — a guy so bad that the Raiders gave up on him — filling in for Dr. Phil candidate Vince Young. Rookie of the year candidate Chris Johnson rushed for 1,228 yards and 10 touchdowns while the pudgy LenDale White scored 15 touchdowns as the short yardage back. Defensive tackle Albert Haynesworth anchored the Titans defense as Tennessee finished with the league’s best record (13-3).

The Giants followed up their surprise Super Bowl upset of the Patriots with an 11-1 start. Despite the corny nickname, Brandon Jacobs, Derrick Ward, and Ahmad Bradshaw — a.k.a. Earth, Wind, and Fire — were a dominant three-headed monster at the running back position. Jacobs and Ward each rushed for over 1,000 yards, and their tough running style was the perfect compliment to a strong defense that was led by Pro Bowl defensive end Justin Tuck and his 12 sacks.

With a rebuilt offensive line, Fox decided to run at, around, and through defenses with his talented running back duo of third-year back DeAngelo Williams and rookie Jonathan Stewart. Williams rushed for 1,515 yards and scored 20 touchdowns while Stewart added 836 yards on the ground and 10 TDs. Julius Peppers tallied 14 1/2 sacks and the Panthers finished 12-4.

“I’m sorry, Jack. I wanted to believe that you’d changed, but I can feel it. You’re lying.”

This one goes out to Andy Reid who — like Jack — has a fatal flaw: he’s fat. Ok, I’m kidding; that’s not what I meant to say. What I meant to say was that Reid can’t stop himself from calling too many passing plays. For the season the Eagles had about a 40/60 run/pass ratio — about normal for Reid’s Eagles. But from Week 10 ’til Week 12, Reid pigged out on the pass, even by his standards.

During that three-game stretch (vs. Giants, at Cincinnati, and at Baltimore), the Eagles went an embarrassing 0-2-1 and the run/pass ratio was all out of whack. Reid and offensive coordinator Marty Mornhinweg dialed up a staggering 139 pass plays — that’s over 45 per game — and ran the ball just 60 times in that same time span. Donovan McNabb was benched in the middle of the Ravens game for the first time in his career, but backup QB (always a Philly favorite) Kevin Kolb could do no better as the Eagles limped into the stretch run with an embarrassing 31-7 blowout loss.

(By the way, Mornhinweg the same guy that took the wind when he won the toss in overtime as head coach of the Detriot Lions. The Lions of course lost before they ever took over possession, and Mornhinweg was later fired. Yeah, you’re jealous that he’s second in command of my favorite team.)

But the Eagles always have a late run in them — more on that later…

Meanwhile, Drew Brees was taking pass-happy to record levels. The 2008 Offensive Player of the Year passed for 5,069 yards and 34 touchdowns, just the second QB ever to pass for 5,000 yards (Dan Marino in ‘84 was the other). Still the Saints, and their top-ranked offense, finished at 8-8 and out of the playoffs.

“Drop your weapon!”

My guess is that Tom Coughlin wishes that he had said this to Plaxico Burress before he killed his team’s Super Bowl chances while accidentally shooting himself in the leg in a Manhattan night club. Before Burress broke New York’s strict handgun laws, the Giants were 10-1 and on the fast track towards repeating as Super Bowl champions. New York would close the season with a 2-3 record but still finished as the NFC’s top-seed after defeating fellow smash-mouther Carolina on Sunday Night Football in Week 16.

Plax, Eli misses you.

“Spare me your sixth grade Michael Moore logic!”

NFL logic states that rookie quarterbacks don’t lead their teams to the playoffs. I guess that means that Atlanta’s Matt Ryan and Baltimore’s Joe Flacco are not your common rookie signal callers. Ryan — along with new head coach Mike Smith, free agent pickup Nate Turner, and John Abraham — led the Falcons to a stunning turnaround from 4-12 to 11-5, while the Ravens — who rely on their Ray Lewis- and Ed Reed-led defense — also finished 11-5 with a rookie head coach in John Harbaugh. While neither QB was the focal point of their offense, neither backed down like a liberal, um, wussy.

Then again, neither has Michael Moore…

“Complex problems sometimes have the simplest solutions.”

This quote from Wayne Palmer — the Frank Stallone of the Palmer family tree — just about sums up the improbable playoff runs for the Chargers and Eagles. The Chargers were four games back of the Broncos in the AFC West with four weeks left in the season, and the Eagles needed to fly past three teams — Chicago, Tampa Bay, and Dallas — in the final week of the season to join the postseason party as a wildcard team. All both teams needed was everyone to lose — simple enough.

San Diego won three straight games while Denver did its part, losing three straight before their huge Sunday night showdown for the Division in Week 17. Both Chicago and Tampa Bay lost in early games in Week 17 — thus eliminating them from playoff contention — which left Dallas-Philly in the afternoon as a winner-take-all contest for the playoffs.

The Eagles pulverized the Cowboys, 44-6, and the Chargers whooped the Broncos, 52-21 — avenging the Ed Hoculi loss in Week Two. Simple enough indeed…

The following takes place between Wildcard Weekend and Championship Sunday.

“You cannot have a normal life and do this job at the same time.”

This one goes out to one of the NFL’s all-time great people: Tony Dungy. His last game as the Indianapolis head coach was an overtime loss to San Diego, where LaDainian Tomlinson’s backup Darren Sproles ran for over 100 yards and two TDs — including the game-winner in overtime. Hopefully now Dungy can spend more time with his family and do some real good for this world. It sure could use his help. (Now, if only he could’ve helped Peyton Manning win a few more postseason games…)

“You can either phone the President and explain to her that your conscience won’t allow you to do what is necessary…or you can do what is necessary.”

This quote goes to the dominant defensive units in Baltimore and Philadelphia that sparked both teams’ deep playoff runs. Both defensive units shut down a pair of explosive ground attacks on their way to surprising championship game entries.

The Ravens found an answer to the Wildcat and laid the smackdown on the Dolphins in Miami one week before stealing a road win against the top-seeded Titans. Meanwhile, the Eagles stout run D limited the NFL’s leading rusher, Adrian Peterson, and returned a Tarvaris Jackson interception for a touchdown during their Wildcard victory over the Vikings. The next week in the Divisional Round, Philly knocked off the defending champions in the Meadowlands with a pair of fourth down stands late in the fourth quarter.

“I’ve killed two people since midnight. I haven’t slept in over 24 hours. So maybe you should be a little more afraid of me than you are now.”

This quote is an oldie but goody from Jack in Season One, and it applies very well to Eagles fans before the NFC Championship. Ask anyone who’s seen “24″ — Jack isn’t to be messed with, especially when he’s pulling an all-nighter with the fate of the free world in his hands.

In the 2008 playoffs, Larry Fitzgerald was the football equivalent of Jack Bauer. I know because I was there when the Cardinals wide receiver helped defeat my beloved Eagles in the NFC Championship Game.

It’s not that we Philly fans didn’t know that Fitzgerald was dangerous; it’s just that we didn’t think that there was any reason to believe that the Cardinals — the stinkin’ Arizona Cardinals — could possibly beat the Eagles in the NFC Title game. We were wrong. Fitz broke virtually every postseason receiving record known to man as the Cardinals improbably ran the gauntlet in the NFC Playoffs (beating Atlanta at home and blowing out Carolina on the road). In four games, number 11 caught 30 passes for 546 yards and seven TDs (all NFL postseason records) as Arizona shocked the world by winning the NFC Championship for the first time in team history.

“Do you understand the difference between dying for something and dying for nothing? The only reason I fought so hard to stay alive in China was because I didn’t want to die for nothing. Today, I can die for something.”

This quote goes out to the Steelers defense, the best in the NFL. The latest incarnation of the Steel Curtain — overlooked as title contenders most of the season — knocked out the NFL’s top-rated passer (Chargers QB Phillip Rivers) in the Divisional Round and out-slugged Baltimore’s second-ranked unit in the AFC Title Game. On a cold January evening in Pittsburgh, the kind of weather that only great defenses like, the Steelers brutally defeated the arch-rival Ravens for the third time this season. Willis McGahee left that game on a stretcher, and he is lucky to be alive; but at least it was something worth dying for, a shot at the Lombardi Trophy two weeks later in warm and sunny Tampa.

The following takes place on Super Bowl Sunday.

“Don’t wait around for life to happen to you. Find something that makes you happy, and do it.”

This is for a pair of men, James Harrison and Larry Fitzgerald, that were equally deserving of the Super Bowl MVP Trophy, regardless of the outcome. Each player swung the pendulum in favor of his team with a big play. Harrison’s interception return at the end of the first half (despite Fitzgerald’s best efforts to bring him down at the one) gave the Steelers a 17-7 halftime lead. Fitzgerald of course came alive in a big way in the fourth quarter, scoring two touchdowns — including an electric 64-yard catch and run that finally gave Arizona the lead with just 2:37 left in the game. He just needed his defense to hold on to it like they did in the waning moments of the NFC Championship…

“Right here, right now, you are going to face JUSTICE!”

Just as Jack always comes through for the red, white, and blue, Big Ben Roethlisburger and Santonio Holmes were equally clutch for the black and gold. Taking over from their own 22-yard line, the Steelers would need to march the length of the field to take the lead. Before the drive, the Steelers wide receiver found his QB on the sidelines and told him to look his way every time because he was going to deliver. True to his word, Holmes caught four passes for 71 yards and Roethlisburger marched the offense 78 yards — culminating with a beautiful six-yard TD pass to Holmes, who tip-toed in the corner of the endzone to give Pittsburgh a thrilling 27-23 victory in Super Bowl XLIII. Holmes was named Super Bowl MVP, and Roethlisburger joined Joe Montana and Eli Manning as the only QBs to lead their team on a game-winning touchdown drive while trailing in the game’s final minute.

Enjoy Week One everyone!

(Special thanks to 24quotes.com and moviemistakes.com!)