By Brady Hunter
EDITOR
I’m sick of NFL mock drafts. So here’s mine.
Okay, I won’t really be that glib. First, let me impress you with how meaningless mine is.
My picks are not based on any sort of insight or intelligence. I simply ordered the top 32 prospects (according to Scouts Inc.) by the number of letters in their name. The first tiebreaker was number of letters in their school’s name, and the second was simple alphabetical order. (Incidentally, this was similar to the system I’ve used to fill out my NCAA bracket the past two years.)
For the most part, I tried to rationalize my picks in an attempt to demonstrate what a load of crap mock drafts are. I thought that if mine sounded reasonable or similar to the myriad others out there, it would prove that it’s all bunk. Unfortunately, my focus waned at points and I made attempts at snarkiness and/or humor.
One final note: This whole draft is even more of a sham due to the fact that Georgia QB Matthew Stafford has already agreed to terms with the Lions.
1. Detroit Lions: QB Matthew Stafford
Unfortunately, Stafford and the Lions operate in reality, which is strictly outside the bounds of my terrifying scenario.
2. St. Louis Rams: WR Darrius Heyward-Bey
Torry Holt’s gone, and Donnie Avery was streaky. Why not break the seal on the WR class this year as well?
3. Kansas City Chiefs: TE Brandon Pettigrew
No Tony Gonzalez, no problem. This guy will actually block.
4. Seattle Seahawks: ILB James Laurinaitis
The Seahawks’ defense was atrocious in 2008. Can’t blame it all on injuries, and Laurinaitis’ blue-collar mentality might be a welcome change for this finesse team.
5. Cleveland Browns: WR Michael Crabtree
Bad news for Braylon Edwards (and likely for the NFC East, where he seems destined to land).
6. Cincinnati Bengals: CB Malcolm Jenkins
Jenkins can start at corner or safety for the Bengals. He could probably start at both positions simultaneously and still be an upgrade over last year’s secondary.
7. Oakland Raiders: RB Knowshon Moreno
A shocker, but the pick makes sense when Al Davis sends Michael Bush and Justin Fargas to the RB-needy Cardinals for Anquan Boldin.
8. Jacksonville Jaguars: DE Everett Brown
Derrick Harvey and Quentin Groves combined for six sacks last year. Another young pass rusher couldn’t hurt.
9. Green Bay Packers: DE Larry English
Pairing English with 2007 first-rounder Justin Harrell and 2006’s A.J. Hawk fortifies the Pack’s front seven for years to come.
10. San Francisco 49ers: OLB Brian Cushing
Ditto the previous pick, except sub 2007’s Patrick Willis for Hawk and 2008’s Kentwan Balmer for Harrell. With Manny Lawson on the roster, though, this gives the Niners an embarrassment of riches at linebacker.
11. Buffalo Bills: DE Tyson Jackson
Jackson will be a formidable end in the NFL, but the Bills may be going back to the well for a pass rusher at pick 28.
12. Denver Broncos: WR Jeremy Maclin
We know Josh McDaniels is unafraid of stirring things up, despite being a rookie head coach. Now he does something his predecessor never could do: get under Al Davis’ skin.
13. Washington Redskins: OLB Clay Matthews
Insert Daniel Snyder joke/observation here.
14. New Orleans Saints: OT Eugene Monroe
Can’t pass on Monroe if he falls this far. Add to strength is the prevailing wisdom for the Saints in this draft.
15. Houston Texans: RB Donald Brown
Ahman Green hasn’t been capable of splitting (let alone carrying) a load since the mid-80s. Get Steve Slaton some help.
16. San Diego Chargers: OT Michael Oher
A down-the-road pick for a team with few needs, although Oher may push for a starting spot.
17. New York Jets: DE Robert Ayers
Like the bizarro-Saints, the Jets continue to stockpile spells for the wizardry of Rex Ryan.
18. Chicago Bears: S Louis Delmas
Da Bears break the hearts of Cowboys fans with a major reach here. But it certainly is a need for this once-great defense.
19. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: DE Aaron Maybin
Lose a mainstay at linebacker, gain a mainstay at defensive end. At least that’s what the Bucs hope.
20. Detroit Lions: WR Hakeem Nicks
Turns out the Lions loved Roy Williams more than they let on. So they draft his clone (plus or minus a few cheeseburgers).
21. Philadelphia Eagles: CB Vontae Davis
Last season proved that having three top-flight corners is no problem for the Birds. All those crying out for Beanie Wells, I have three words: 1999 NFL Draft. (Which can be condensed to two other words: Shut up.)
22. Minnesota Vikings: OT Eben Britton
When your quarterback is Sage Rosenfels/Tavaris Jackson (or, really, Sage Rosenfels/Anyone) and your top receiver is Bernard Berrian, it’s time to give up on the passing game. Vikes pick a road-grater to take Visanthe Shiancoe’s place and run the ball 45 times a game.
23. New England Patriots: WR Percy Harvin
Similar concept to above, except swap the run and pass games. Also, for the record, all character issues disappear in the magical Foxboro air.
24. Atlanta Falcons: OT Andre Smith
Steal of the draft?
25. Miami Dolphins: DE Brian Orakpo
Bill Parcells needs a new diaper when he sees Orakpo on the board at 25.
26. Baltimore Ravens; QB Mark Sanchez
You thought the Wildcat revolutionized NFL offenses last year? Wait until you see the Ravens’ version of the A-11.
27. Indianapolis Colts: ILB Rey Maualuga
Quick, and no cheating: Name a Colts inside linebacker.
28. Buffalo Bills: DT Peria Jerry
Now the Bills don’t have to wait for John McCargo to pass a physical to seal the deal on a trade. They can just cut him.
29. New York Giants: OLB Aaron Curry
Steal of the draft?
30. Tennessee Titans: RB Chris Wells
Look for Lendale White in a Cleveland Browns uniform next season. NFC East members rejoice as Braylon Edwards heads south.
31. Arizona Cardinals: OT Jason Smith
Steal of the draft.
32. Pittsburgh Steelers: DT B.J. Raji
Casey Hampton won’t be around for ever, and the Stillers feel like Big Ben’s not worth a respectable offensive line.